Happy shit.

She's checked in already. She's picked up the email and voicemail I left her. But that usually doesn't mean much. Nonetheless, her vow to leave for good this time, no matter what, has a slight flaw. She knows the first step in walking away is that she needs to resist the urge to read my emails, or listen to my voicemails*. Doing so just one day later shows her resolve has weakened already. I feel like shit when that happens because I feel so responsible for that. If only I could walk away and not leave her emails or voicemails, it would be so much easier for her. But I justify in my mind that if she really needs to leave, she knows she must never look back. Like any addiction, the cause of it will always be there, you need to resist the temptation to succeed. But I still feel like shit - but happy.

*both the emails and voicemails are specific to us. What I mean is that those accounts are 'our' accounts and she has no other reason to access them except to look for me.