She Wants To Meet Up

Sara emailed me from an account she set up temporarily. Just said she can't hide it, can't resist it, then set a date and time. It's a couple weeks from now so I'm certain she'll talk herself out of it. Oh well.

She called me again today

This time not so good. I tried to call her twice since we talked yesterday, but she wasn’t home. The calls showed up as private calls and she was curious/concerned if they were from me. I apologized and explained the reason I tried to reach her. Truth be told, if she hadn’t called me yesterday, I would have called her sometime this week anyway. Last week I had let pass a ‘special’ day in her/our life. I know she was anxious and concerned I’d be trying to contact her. I wanted to show her I was strong and I got through that day without any contact. Afterwards I was concerned that she might have been crushed and that’s when I decided I’d call her later this week to assure her how much effort it took on my part to stay away. Her call yesterday beat me to the punch. Although she wanted to thank me, I knew it was more for self-assurance when she told me how bittersweet that was for her.

Back to the reason why I tried to call her. I realize that I can never assure her I’ll stay away forever, and wanted to suggest to her that she could ‘de-fuse’ the desire with a phone call once a month or so. See, her number one concern is that I’ll call at the wrong time and her – always suspicious – husband will answer.* And because of that she always gets nervous when the phone rings when he’s home during the day. So if she initiates the call, that will never be a concern.** I just felt that it would give her the ability to finally relax each time the phone rang. It puts her totally in control. Unfortunately for both of us, she has been miserable and irritable since we last talked. Emotions she had hoped she had put in the past by moving on. Clearly that’s not something I want her to go through just so I can relinquish control over our situation.

As I acknowledged the pain I keep putting her through, and tried to reassure her that I will double my efforts to stay away, my voice became emotional. So did hers as she spoke over the top of mine saying “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore”. She then hung up on me.

*I have always been prepared for that each time I’d call her with a fool-proof escape plan. I have never needed to use that in almost 8 years so it still remains an option.

** Please keep in mind that receiving one phone call a month is no where’s near something I find acceptable. Just hours after her last call I was missing her so much that it hurt. But it definitely is satisfying enough to last me several weeks.

Talk about timing

Well, she has been gone for over 3 months. Totally, that includes no sneaking peaks at emails either. I think she's gone for good and that saddens me - obviously. Last I spoke to her was early December and that was because I called her since she disappeared so suddenly a month earlier. She said she feels she was finally done, and can resist emails as well. As always she sounds so convincing, but history has shown otherwise.

I wrote that this morning because I was finally believing she was gone for good. Then she called me. Less than an hour later. Believe it or not, it was to thank me for not calling or trying to contact her for all this time. Truthfully, I think it was to find out if I've forgotten about her. Nothing has changed in her feelings for me - she thinks about me all the time. But she is living guiltfree now and that is where she says she has found her strength to move on. I asked her if she's happy now. "No" was her reply. But she has given up on there ever being a future for us.

I can't explain why, but I haven't. yet. But I'll just hang back and wait for that next phone call - whenever, or if ever, there will be one. I miss her.

Update

Nothing new, she comes and goes. About 2 months ago all email ties had been severed, yet that didn't keep her from coming back again. :) But she's holding strong and not allowing herself to see me. However, two weeks ago I got a phone call asking I come see her that morning - she knew I was off work that day. I don't know if it was a test, but I couldn't drop my plans, she was disappointed, and thats the last I heard from her. At that time of the phone call, we had been talking/emailing almost daily for 3 weeks.

Came and Went.

Yes, she did come back again for a couple weeks, but then I went on vacation for 2 weeks and the day I got back she left for a week vacation. She's been using that opportunity to leave again. No surprise.

But our 'anniversary' is coming up in a couple weeks. No matter how long she's been gone, she always has managed to surface during this time. My expectations are obviously high that this year will be no different, but I am trying to prepare myself for the disappointment if she doesn't.

And.....

....she's gone. It took an incident with her babysitter to get her back to sole searching. Her babysitter made some bad decisions and is now paying the consequences for it. Sara feels her bad decision(s) aren't much different and she should get back to doing the right thing and walk away. It's very obvious from her last message to me that she is not 100% resolved to doing this - just that she feels she has too. Really not much difference other than she may find herself back sooner without enough resolve.

It was a wonderful few weeks.

She's been back for awhile.

I've been meaning to post for some time now but just so damn busy. She's very much back now - more than she has been for 3 or 4 years. She even admitted her 'wall' hasn't been this down for that long as well. We're constantly trying to find a time to see each other, but no luck yet. Of course, past history should dictate that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know it won't take much for the 'all or nothing' to kick back in.