Figuring Her Out

This would be a big step for Sara. For me to take control of her is an acknowledgement that I've figured her out. Nothing has infuriated her more than when I'm right about her. Maybe infuriate is not exactly the word, but she does make an attempt to throw me curves to keep that from happening. It's these mixed signals that have kept me around, and allowed me the ability to filter out the noise. Because eventually she will always confess the truth about when she was misleading.

I think one thing that is surprising me is how I'm handling this. In the past I would build up such anxiety, checking for messages several times an hour, many times a day, every day of the week. And any memories I would have of her would be painful. Most probably because I feared we would never create any more. It's not how I wanted to leave things. I always believed (and still do) that there is a way to end things, and still alleviate the pain. I realize that in time bad memories will fade and be replaced by good ones, but the problem was/is - it's the good memories that become painful when she's gone. BUT! Not this time. Since I now have a much better understanding of what's she's going through - thanks to bloggers - I'm surprisingly at ease. And blogging about it has become very therapeutic as well. The memories don't hurt. There's no pain. There's no anxiety. Hmmm. Guess its time for me to walk away as well.

Now if only I can get rid of these aches. Aching to hear her voice. Aching to hold her. Aching to touch her in such animalistic ways. And of course this big ache in my pants.