Sorting It Out

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, and sort through my feelings. But I was getting way too wordy and it wasn't heading me to any sensible conclusion. Bottom line is that it is the worst when she leaves because she is upset with me. No doubt about that. When I started this blog a month ago I think it was obvious that I was handling the latest breakup very well. I had the insight from other bloggers to help me finally make some sense out of Sara's actions. Then she came back - and a day later she was gone again. And left me with the sounds of her tears in my head for many, many days after. But she came back again - and I walked on egg shells as I tried to figure out why. As I directed my questions toward that goal, she asked how I was doing. I told her.
I told her it was hard not calling.
I told her it was because she was crying in my head and I didn't know why.
I told her I felt I let her down because I didn't try to console her.
She commented that I will never be happy with the way we leave things.
I said - not so.
I told her that the time before last I actually found myself walking the other way.
I told her it was because we had talked, knowing it was our last talk, and I could hear that we were in a good place.
And I also told her how my corresponding with a few bloggers helped immensely as well.
bang.
It was a silent shot to her heart. Betrayal she thought. Other women. Jealousy. It probably only got worse in her mind thru the night. When I called her that next day she was not there anymore.
She read me the riot act.
She was upset and was finished with me.
She told me I don't love her.
That I'm cheating on her.
BANG!!
That was a shot to my heart.

And thats what I'm left with.