Drawing the Line
Sara is still checking in when she can. Sometimes not till almost midnight. But because of some concerns she is having with her computer, its been strictly voicemail. Which is fine with me. I love hearing her voice. But one voicemail she left me is continuing to bug the shit out of me and I'm finally figuring out why. For some reason she felt the need to let me know that her husband and her have ventured into the new territory of anal sex. And that upsets me. A lot. He has ventured into 'our' territory and she allowed it. For those of you who know and understand what we do, and what makes it so awesome, might also understand why I'm upset. For those who don't understand, let me try to explain. The things Sara and I get into are heightened because of a trust we have with each other to do things that we'd never allow others to do. There is something about the bond that is created from that which makes everything we do so damn awesome. Yes, I'll admit it. I do take a dildo up the ass for her just for that reason. I see in her what my trust in her creates. Do I get off on that dildo in my ass? Not at all. Do I get off on her doing it? Yes. Its an amazing bond one creates with their lover when this can occur. I hope this makes sense.
Here's a question. Would I be out of line to ask her not to allow that anymore? I know she doesn't realize what she's done. But if I were to annouce to Sara that my wife and I played some tie-up games the other last night, I think she will feel differently. So, should I make this an issue? Is it okay to ask her to draw a line in regards to her husband?
Here's a question. Would I be out of line to ask her not to allow that anymore? I know she doesn't realize what she's done. But if I were to annouce to Sara that my wife and I played some tie-up games the other last night, I think she will feel differently. So, should I make this an issue? Is it okay to ask her to draw a line in regards to her husband?
posted by do_in_it_2 | 11:22 PM
11 Comments:
Okay ... I read this this morning and thought about it quite a bit, and found myself hoping that this question is just to gauge who's still reading your blog and see if you can coax a reaction. Because I can't really believe that you want to go so far as to manipulate the woman you say you love into making her relationship with her husband worse so that you will feel better.
Why are you both having an affair which you do not intend to leave your spouses for? Isn't it to give yourselves a little sexual vacation from your lives which will make you happier in your home lives? If not, what? To see how far you can manipulate each other? I wasn't getting this before but now I wonder.
If it IS to round out your lives, then how can you consider bad anything that improves her relationship with her husband in any way? And exactly WHAT authority do you think you have to tell a married couple what they can and cannot do in their own bedroom?
You say this is about trust. Do you really think she should trust YOU more than she trusts her husband? Isn't that trust in you misplaced if, for your own selfish jealousies, you want to meddle with her marriage? You have said yourself that you have anal sex with your own wife (when she's drunk). Should Sara forbid you from that? What if your wife asked you for it? Would you be willing to risk your marital happiness over refusing your spouse something in the bedroom that she knows you enjoy? Isn't messing around with the natural order of a marital sexual relationship one of the primary signs that an affair is going on?
In other words: suppose you forbid Sara to have certain kinds of sex with her husband which she has ALREADY had with him. When he proposes it, she should turn it down? (And don't say it should be easy, because if you were with her and you started teasing her and making her want it, wouldn't you be surprised by her sudden and repeated refusal?) So then suppose he becomes suspicious and starts to look more closely at the computer and phone records. He sets a trap to catch her in your affair. He walks out and leaves her with four small children to care for. Was that all worth it because of your jealousy? What will you do then?
Like I said, I really hope that you were not serious with this question; I can't see how you would deserve her trust if you were to use the hold you have over her in this way. If she truly has a bond of love and sexual chemistry with you, the anal sex is not going to be the same with her husband anyway. In fact, she may do it while fantasizing about you in order to feel closer to you. I just really hope that you don't invade this territory without being ready for the consequences, OR mentally manipulate her to make her feel the jealousy you do (tell her about your own sexual experiences with your wife). Isn't this whole thing complicated enough as it is?
If ANYTHING, tell her it was TMI and that it made you a little jealous, and you'd rather she not relate the details of her sex life with her husband to you anymore. But it is not your place to forbid you to do anything in her marital bed.
Sorry for the rant. Guess the idea of a man sexually controlling a woman through anger and jealousy still touches a sore spot in me.
Well, when I read this, I wasn't sure how to put into words what I was thinking-but Kayten did it for me. I ditto everything she said.
You are one sick individual. Get therapy.
Wow!
I can't write more now, but i wanted to say that I don't think you're a sick individual. (For what its worth.)
I had an affair with someone, each of us were committed elsewhere, and the sort of situation you describe is somewhat familiar.
You see, when there are emotions involved for which the only release is sexual--because of the nature of the time you can share--its impossible for the sexual not to become laden with symbolism. We would be jealous of each other and each other's sex lives, but this was only because we envied the ability to wake up together in the morning and have breakfast together.
But you will still need to recognise this. And not harm each other or each other's primary relationship.
Eventually, we decided on a policy like the one Kayten recommends:
" tell her it was TMI and that it made you a little jealous, and you'd rather she not relate the details of her sex life with her husband to you anymore. "
good luck; you have my sympathy.
I think it best that I answer these comments in a new post. Kayten - you draw conclusions from unknowns and I realize I don't give everything you would need to know to go on. But yes, the question was a real one. What good is a blog if one can't say what is troubling oneself. Watch for a new post.
I will watch. And it's because I know you don't go into a hell of a lot of background that I give you the benefit of the doubt that you're a good person and it's a beneficial situation. But if you ask for an answer to the question, "should I make this an issue?" you have to realize that those of us responding are doing so ON THE BASIS of the information you provided.
But if you ask for an answer to the question, "should I make this an issue?" you have to realize that those of us responding are doing so ON THE BASIS of the information you provided.
Yes.
And I still think (purely from my own experience, of course) that it's best not to make it an issue. Not if you do love, and want each other's happiness.
Looking forward to your post, DII2, and Kayten's always good comments. (Hi K!)
Kayten is dead on.
As a man who had an on-again-off-again affair for *12* years with the same woman (and who intended to leave his wife for her...and finally she has but too late...see my blog if you care) you are *WAY* off base.
What you wrote was selfish, manipulative, and the antithesis of love, respect, or intimacy.
To plagerize Kayten's wise words:
"If ANYTHING, tell her it was TMI and that it made you a little jealous, and you'd rather she not relate the details of her sex life with her husband to you anymore. But it is not your place to forbid you to do anything in her marital bed."
I totally, totally, TOTALLY disagree with every single comment. Anal sex is something that i do NOT do with my husband specifically because it's just for my lover and i. so, we're the same place you are. i have told my husband that i hate it and it hurts, the one time he tried. he's just as happy to not do it and is none the wiser. and at the same time i've kept it just for us. i WANT him to know its only for him, and he reserves our territory for just us as well. what the hell is wrong with that?
Well, Anon-
I know nothing about you or your specific situation, and it's not my place to judge-
However, amybe if you were more open and sexual with your husband-the way you are with your lover-you wouldn't need to go outside your marriage for that satisfaction.
Quite frankly, DII2's post bothered me all day and night. Never in 5 million years would I ever ask Paul not to do something with his wife that we do. Conversely, he has never asked me to not do something with anyone else. It's ridiculous and (as Kayten said) manipulative.
Again, maybe all the married people out there wouldn't need lovers or be cheated on if they just tried being more open. I mean, it's not like your husband doesn't want anal sex with you-you just keep it from him. How is that helping your marriage at all? Maybe he deserves a chance??
Hmm, interesting.
D and I share things and experiences that my SO and I don't. And experiences that D and his wife don't share.
We like it that way.
I would enjoy it if D asked me not to have certain experiences with my SO so they would be uniquely ours.
I think that is because I am looking for things that are just "ours."
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