When the Levee Breaks
Although most of my idle time recently is spent trying to absorb the magnitude of damage Katrina has reaped on the south, this is not in reference to that. It's in reference to an unknown amount of feelings and emotions accumulating behind a levee of known porportions. And it collapsed. In hindsight Sara and I realized this was the absolute worst time to try to seperate. It's this time period between August thru October that we have seen each other the most. Probably 80% of our encounters were during this time. And 3 of her 4 kids were conceived in this time period as well. It's mating season for her. And gawd is she ever horny. The request she made a couple days ago was for me to write her an erotic story. The unusual part of it was that she wanted it in 3rd person. She hoped that it being in the 3rd person, she'd just be reading an erotic story involving two other people. Thus no guilt, or temptation. But it didn't work. It fanned the already hot cinders and burst into flames. She is begging to see me again. Hiding in her closet, jeans down at her ankles, ramming a dildo in her, begging. What do I do? I kept my promise to her. I left nothing for her to read. Nothing for her to listen to. I'm not the one starting us back up. Yet, I don't have the will, or the heart, to stop this.
BTW: Things have gotten markedly better for her. Her two boys are in school fulltime now so she 'only' has two little girls to care for during the day. Hey, it's all relative. And she has stopped obsessing (so she sez) about her weight. At one point getting down to 102lbs before a friend finally told her she looked awful. And the fighting with her husband has subsided, but she insists had nothing to do with our seperation. But I think differently. All in all things were very good for both of us. What happened?
BTW: Things have gotten markedly better for her. Her two boys are in school fulltime now so she 'only' has two little girls to care for during the day. Hey, it's all relative. And she has stopped obsessing (so she sez) about her weight. At one point getting down to 102lbs before a friend finally told her she looked awful. And the fighting with her husband has subsided, but she insists had nothing to do with our seperation. But I think differently. All in all things were very good for both of us. What happened?
posted by do_in_it_2 | 7:01 AM
5 Comments:
That has got to be tough! I think that if I were to break things off, I would have to just vanish. Otherwise, I would keep falling back into old habits.
Along the lines of the first commentator, it's like when someone really wants to go off drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc. They often quit cold turkey, or slowly back off (with help), but they then need to completely separate from the things that feed the 'addiction'. I mean, four years of a roller coaster is awfully tough to get away from, especially when you and she seem to be good at finding reasons to jump back on. She seems to love the roller coaster. Some people wilt and wither without the drama.... --VM--
I guess I disagree. It's the roller coaster ride that made things miserable. No chance of either of us wilting or withering without that drama. I think we are still trying to find that perfect compromise that allows us our cake and eating it too.
I'll post more of my thoughts about where I think we are right now.
Maybe it's just difference of perspective, but it seems from this vantage point (that of an observer who's read your blog) that the roller coaster must have had some benefit to you - the highs and lows - insecurities of not knowing when or if you'd meet again, see each other, etc. All of that was part of the relationship - not security, safety, having a steady date or arranged meeting spot (besides the voicemail & the email). It's like when people have affairs and then say they hate the secrecy...yet they persist in keeping the secrets for years. I guess I just think that we engage in and choose the behavior that suits us, that 'works' for us. (I used to tell myself that I had commitment problems because, though, negative, it suited me for a while.) Just 2 cents, no more, no less. --VM--
There is no doubt that the lows are what made the highs that much higher. But I've been off that ride for over a month, and I enjoy this so much more. We've been in contact a lot over the past several days and this suits me fine. But I can't speak for her. Yet.
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