It's Done

Yesterday was nothing short of awesome. We fucked. We talked. We made love. We talked some more. But it was very bittersweet. We knew it was the last time together. And she's counting on me to make that happen. I don't make promises I can't keep, so the only promise I could make her is that I'd shut down the voicemail and email, and not to leave 'one last message' as I always have in the past. Things for her at home have been miserable. But nothing more than any young mother of four young kids would experience. Over the past couple weeks I got to hear all of it. Everything she's been trying to keep from me. Things she hadn't told me in the past because she didn't want my pity. And she didn't want me to judge her. All the times she left me to try to work on her marriage. All the failures because she knew I was right there to run back to. And all those times when it is more than just a fleeting moment, when she thinks of leaving all that for me.

Yesterday was the turning point for me. For her. For us. She asked me why we couldn't be together. She acknowledged to herself and to me that we couldn't possibly keep up the sex on a daily basis, but even to experience it once a year would satisfy her if could share these tender moments on a daily basis. But these weren't pleas from her. She was just wanting to hear herself say it out loud. For both of us to hear.

She asked me what she could do to discipline her children better. She asked me when the fighting stops with the spouse in regards to the kids. She asked me what she could do to cope better with the total loss of desire for her husband. She even asked one last time what my secret was - what I did to make her orgasm so easily. She began to cry at that point. She asked why she had to give up ever having another orgasm for the rest of her life. Looking at the clock we realized we had run out of time and she immediately shut down. As she has done every other time when it was time to leave. No last hug. No last kiss. Not even one last 'i love you'. We got dressed, cleaned up the room, then got into my car as I drove her back to hers. What surprised me was that the conversation in the car consisted of asking me about every little thing that caused her jealousy in the past. I don't know if she was looking for closure with those things. Or if she was still needing to find something to upset her so she can more easily distance herself from me. But just as she was about to close the door, she looked back at me and said "I love you", her voice breaking as she said it.

But I'm happy. Very happy. It's the way I felt it needed to end. I don't know how long this feeling will last. When the reality of it kicks in, will I then have the strength to keep my promise to her? To know what lies before her when she wakes up everyday will tear me apart inside not being able to help her. But she feels I was responsible for making that worse, not better. I need to remember that, even though I have doubts that that really is true. But now she will know for sure. She won't have to fight back the urge to check for messages anymore. There won't be any.