In Response Again

In response to Kayten's questions and confusion I'll try to bring you up to speed on what Sara was referring to in her last email to me. I told her from now on to only check voicemail* if she cared about me, and wanted some part of me in her life. Because that's what I feel everytime she does check in. I can't imagine she didn't know that's the signal she was putting out all along.

The part about convincing has to do with the few other times she expressed the same feelings. She wished she was more sure about her feelings back then and she wished she did a better job of convincing me that she really didn't love me - 2 years ago already. Keep in mind - after those episodes - she would later admit it was an attempt to push me away - saying she could never stop loving me.

My analysis of her all along has been that she is constantly battling what are real feelings that come from love in your heart, and what are feelings that come from her insecurity. She alluded to those times when she said "The feelings I've been having were analyzed by you. You would tell me how I felt...and turn my feelings into something they weren't."

I don't know if the guilt thing is about the guilt of leading me on, or the guilt of the affair she has constantly struggled with. But she would always bring up guilt, not me.

Her 'defense mechanism' is the wall she would always put up. It was built on insecurities, and whenever I could allay those insecurities, the wall crumbled.

Hope this helps, don't hesitate to ask questions to clear up further. I realize there is much behind all this that you could not possibly be aware of.

*Reminder. The voicemail and email systems we use serve no other purpose. It's strictly for us.