More About the Talk
As the conversation settles into my mind, I realize how much of what she said was not believable now. She mentioned that the 'excitement' of an affair isn't there anymore for her. She said it had become more like a marriage - with the same kind of arguments. She said she's never been one to be brutally honest but feels like she must. She said the last time we got together she felt different than the others. And she said the only reason she checks voicemail is because its like going outside for a two minute smoke. And she said all this in a very sincere way. And it sounded believable at the time. But not now. I believe the feeling one gets from the newness of an affair really only lasts for a little time, so I believe the excitement is gone for her. But the reality is that its been gone for me a long time now as well. Once love comes into the picture its a whole different kind of feeling. Its what caused her to cry a few months ago when we had the last conversation on her cellphone before she starts using her new one - with a new number*. Its what causes her to hurt whenever I mention something 'family' related that I've done. It's why she wrote me this a few weeks after the last time we got together:
this last time it hit me harder than I expected.....thinking of you...then like so many times before reality hits..sets in... the end...then you're gone. just like that, you're gone. oh how i must remember that part. the biggest high of my life then just rip it away. ...i feel the sinking sensation that i always feel on those days that follow. i don't want to ever feel those days again. :-(
The 'arguments' aren't any different than they were since the beginning - all based in jealousy and insecurity. I do believe, and I've mentioned it before on this blog, that that is the main core of why she gets miserable when she's here. She can't get past those feelings - ever. But it would be so helpful for the both of us if she'd just admit that.
*For the longest time we were very careful not to use our cellphones but once a few calls were made we became quite careless. We needed to fix that, which included me not knowing her new number.
this last time it hit me harder than I expected.....thinking of you...then like so many times before reality hits..sets in... the end...then you're gone. just like that, you're gone. oh how i must remember that part. the biggest high of my life then just rip it away. ...i feel the sinking sensation that i always feel on those days that follow. i don't want to ever feel those days again. :-(
The 'arguments' aren't any different than they were since the beginning - all based in jealousy and insecurity. I do believe, and I've mentioned it before on this blog, that that is the main core of why she gets miserable when she's here. She can't get past those feelings - ever. But it would be so helpful for the both of us if she'd just admit that.
*For the longest time we were very careful not to use our cellphones but once a few calls were made we became quite careless. We needed to fix that, which included me not knowing her new number.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 10:26 AM
2 Comments:
Are you sure you just don't want to beleive that what she said is "not believable now."?
Maybe you should stick with your original gut instinct-which was to end it. Right now, all you are feeling is your mind telling you what you want to hear.
Yeah, I agree ... but as I am one to listen to what people say and believe it, I'm not sure what possesses people to try to read something else into what I'm saying when if that's what I meant, I would say that instead.
This is where I don't really follow the games you and Sara play. If she wants it to be over, for whatever reason she wants to give you, why not just let it? Why do you always have to pull her back and demand that it be over the way YOU want it to be? Or is she just toying with and testing you for her own amusement and yours?
I also don't see where the love comes into it, and I've been looking for that all along. Granted, you can love how each of you embraces that sexuality in the other, the part that you need to keep hidden at home, but unless you love the way she is in a professional setting, love how she interacts with her children even when she's stressed, love the everyday mundane stuff, love her dearly even if you'd never have sex with her again, and she feels the same, I'm not sure where the "love" comes in. Otherwise it just seems like infatuation and lust and jealousy, and trying to hold onto a hedonistic sensation that is all too fleeting.
Then again, I get the feeling that I'm not understanding most of your blog these days. I may have to just stop reading it for both our peace of mind.
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