Juicy Stuff

Well not exactly. Since Sara has a propensity to slash and burn emails, and at that time we used the same account, I used to keep a seperate account that I would forward emails that I wanted to keep around awhile. Several months ago I was unsuccessful in getting into that account so I figured I had forgotten the password. I tried it again last night and the password worked. This is a treasure chest of stuff from last year. It's nice to read this stuff and realize that I wasn't living in a fantasy. I kept the stuff that touched me at the time, and it still does today. The numerous times she'd thank me for her 'awesome day', the numerous times she'd tell me in graphic detail what she needed me to do to her, as well as, sadly, the times she'd be introspective about us and how its creates such pain in her heart when she admits to loving me more than anything else in her world. As in this email she sent after coming back from being 'gone':

Okay, the wall is coming down for two min.
- soooo good to hear ur voice! ahhh. had no intentions of
calling..but second time opening e-mail...i did. next best thing to an O. lol. feel relaxed & calm. :-) few months ago..laying in bed..thinking. the last 3 yrs of my 6 yr marriage has been a lie. I don't want it to be that way. but i think about u every day...every night. lay in bed & fantasize about u.

wanted so bad to say 'i love u' on the phone. i just can't open those doors again. the guilt is exhausting for me. ahh. guess the two min. are up.

At least up until September of last year, as evident in her emails, her feelings for me were the same, if not more intense than at our beginnings. And since September I still have the vivid memories of her emotional breakdowns on the phone whenever she would struggle between wanting me, and wanting me to go away. Yeah, I understand why she is trying to convince me otherwise. But, then again. I don't understand.