Nagging Questions
Guess I got some nagging questions that need to be answered. The biggie is the one about why we don't dump our spouses and get a life of our own together. As hypocritical as it may sound - and not speaking for Sara - I'm just not that kind of guy. Divorce does not run in my circle of family and friends. Its still hugely taboo and a decision that should be based 99% on the effect it will have on the kids. And I just don't have the heart to disrupt the life that my wife and kids enjoy. Obviously I do put that at risk by having this affair, and therein lies my defect. And I am pretty certain Sara feels the same way. But she also is not blind to the possibility that if I've cheated on my wife, that I might also eventually cheat on her. Probably not a deep down belief, but convincing enough to justify her reluctance.
I am also now certain that I'm still number one in her heart and soul. That's all I could hope for. In her life of priorities I'm down about 6, behind her husband and 4 kids. That's understandable, acceptable and expectable. I did not ask her to keep her husband out of my 'territory'. Doing so would be acting on a jealousy. I recognized that and dropped it. But here is where many times we have been in sync with each other. She commented on that - on her own - by telling me how she didn't enjoy it and that all she could think of was me. She also apologized for even saying anything about it and wasn't sure why she did. I did respond to her by telling her about my feelings and she totally understood why I would feel that way. And agreed that she'd feel the exact same way if the tables were turned.
Emotions just in themselves, whether good or bad ones, are very complex. But what each have in common is an obvious cause and affect. The trick is how to handle the affect without creating more causes that will once again create an affect. A vicious circle. But one that becomes exponentially more complex if you look for hidden and possibly non-existant meaning in each one. Keep it simple. And folks, what Sara and I have is a simple case of two people who think and feel they've fell in love with each other. And the obvious emotions that occur while we look for a way to deal with it. Yes, I do see us still struggling with this as we enter into our 70's and beyond. That's the punishment we must endure for the wrong we are doing. And I'm still smiling.
I am also now certain that I'm still number one in her heart and soul. That's all I could hope for. In her life of priorities I'm down about 6, behind her husband and 4 kids. That's understandable, acceptable and expectable. I did not ask her to keep her husband out of my 'territory'. Doing so would be acting on a jealousy. I recognized that and dropped it. But here is where many times we have been in sync with each other. She commented on that - on her own - by telling me how she didn't enjoy it and that all she could think of was me. She also apologized for even saying anything about it and wasn't sure why she did. I did respond to her by telling her about my feelings and she totally understood why I would feel that way. And agreed that she'd feel the exact same way if the tables were turned.
Emotions just in themselves, whether good or bad ones, are very complex. But what each have in common is an obvious cause and affect. The trick is how to handle the affect without creating more causes that will once again create an affect. A vicious circle. But one that becomes exponentially more complex if you look for hidden and possibly non-existant meaning in each one. Keep it simple. And folks, what Sara and I have is a simple case of two people who think and feel they've fell in love with each other. And the obvious emotions that occur while we look for a way to deal with it. Yes, I do see us still struggling with this as we enter into our 70's and beyond. That's the punishment we must endure for the wrong we are doing. And I'm still smiling.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 9:45 AM
6 Comments:
I admit that I have a hard time connecting to the child variable, as I chose long ago not to have any. But I understand that many people think -some- marriage is better than none where kids are concerned. The issue of how it would 'appear' or seem to others if you both divorced...that one is harder to grasp, given how generally acceptable and prevalent divorce is in the US. In your family and friends, you say it would be unacceptable - and thus it motivates both of you to stay. What I have a harder time accepting is how a long term - decades perhaps? - relationship of deceit, taboo, minimal contact, and secrecy is more acceptable than divorce. I guess everyone needs to weigh the variables: shame of affair vs shame of divorce. I wonder how many financial/lifestyle variables get thrown in when people make these considerations...women think, 'I would lose my lofty lifestyle & have to be a single mother.' Men think, 'The courts would grant 35% of my income to her & I would have to change my lifestyle entirely.' Yet people divorce & even get together with the Other Person all the time, so it's certainly do-able. But I wonder...if her husband or your wife also had affairs, would those straws break the camel's back and induce divorces? The tangled webs we weave.... I remain curious about why, if she was unhappy with a man whom you say she married for the wrong reasons, she went ahead and had two more kids with him (after having seen the light at the end of the tunnel that was you). --VM--
You just reminded me of a question I forgot to answer. How did I feel when she had her 3rd and 4th? It had been their plan to have 4 kids. After she noticed how much support he was providing with only two, I had tried to coax her into getting some assurances from him that he'll lend more of a hand. Otherwise he should be happy with only two. But before they came to any agreement, drunk sex and his inability to withdraw (His! choosen method of birth control) caused the 3rd child. I was very happy for her, but I couldn't even begin to tell you why I was. She wasn't as happy but accepted it as part of their plan. There was no doubt it was his. The same conditions created the 4th. However this one could have been mine. I was ecstatic - while at the same time realizing what a mess it would create if it was. She has since tied the tubes to stop anymore mistakes.
Well, this post makes more sense than anything I've read here in a long time. Thanks for replying to my questions.
Anon - You wonder how a relationship of deceit, taboo and secrecy is more acceptable than divorce. Don't forget what makes an affair so exciting and full of intrique. Those exact same things.
Kayten - I'm glad I can write in black & white sometimes instead of that grey. Of course it helps to read that way as well. ;)
How can staying in a marriage for the sake of the children be healthy? Two miserable people, no matter how carefully they try and mask it, will just raise children who, when they are old enough to understand, will feel the guilt of their parents staying together for their sake.
Who wants their personal unhappiness to be on their children's conscience?
There should always be a compromise or middle ground where everyone's needs are more or less being met. Perhaps the truest form of adult behaviour would be accepting responsibility for a failing marriage, instead of using your children as a scapegoat.
This is a generic observation...not personal about your blog or your situation!
You raise some good questions...keep it coming :)
MG - If you read what I said, I'm saying the decision should be based solely on the kids. If it's a bad situation at home, that obviously is not good for the kids. But in our case, we have a wonderful family life. I'm willing to put their happiness above mine - not that I'm unhappy by any means - but you know what I mean. The only problem I continue to fight is that I am putting them at risk of ruining that happiness.
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