Just Out of Reach
You know what surprises me? Try to follow this. Sara is (almost) exactly where I've been wanting her to be since we met. I picked up from almost the beginning that it was the obsessiveness that she had for me (as well as I had for her) that was causing most of our problems. Since she was an all or nothing kind of girl, she wanted all of me. All of my time. All of my attention. And this filled her days of thinking only of me, and ignoring her wifely duties at home. This is where the guilt would creep in. And to counter that guilt, she wanted nothing to do with me. And would leave. This was the constant extreme highs and lows we would endure for a long time. I've tried many times - with horrible results - to try to get us to 'fit' into each others normal lives. The 50 emails a day needed to stop. Her expectations of me needed to become more realistic. And she needed to understand that any attempts by me to get a handle on all this was because I loved her so much and realized if we were to remain in each others lives, it was necessary. But I failed continously. Any attempts to put limits on things was looked upon as disinterest in her on my part. Or, at times, thoughts that somebody else came into my life and was taking my time now. But during these almost 4 years, she was either in my arms (extreme highs) or a million miles away (extreme lows). Now it appears she's got us under control. She's found space for me in her homelife (albeit only a crawl space). It's what I've been working towards all along. She's right there for me, yet I can't shake this frustrating feeling that she's just inches out of reach. I want her back in my arms, but I can't upset this balance she's achieved. Is that even possible? Is it possible that all along I've wanted all of her, and that I've been working towards 'nothing' ever being an option?
posted by do_in_it_2 | 6:46 AM
4 Comments:
Your married,.. She's married.. there isnt such a thing as having "ALL OF EACH OTHER". Hard Reality, but true. Your both dedicated to other people. I'm assuming spouses come first in both your lives..
Just to clarify. We both decided that we weren't going to leave our marriages so obviously our spouses came first in that regard. But that's more functionally, and not emotionally. The concept of 'all of each other' is, of course, impossible in that circumstance. However, that need does get partially filled when every waking minute is spent finding ways to communicate with each other. That's what was out of control.
I'm glad you both seem to have reached a kind of resolution. But there will come a point that it may exhaust one of you to spend so much time wanting what you can't luxuriate in. Even the time spent together can be spent worrying how quickly it's moving past. I dream of a day where I can wake up every morning with someone I love and make no further compromises for circumstance.
kayten - what you say is correct, but isn't that the case even with the one you eventually wind up with? there are no perfect relationships.
vm - she never did ask me to leave my wife, but several times she went on fishing expeditions hoping to figure out what my answer would be. during those times i left her no doubt in her mind how much i wished for us to be just us, but i could never disrupt my family for that to happen. but i also assured her that if all came crashing down - i would be there for her.
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