Amazed
Just from the comments that's being left, I'm amazed that some people really believe that I'm in control here. Sara will do what she wants, when she wants. This locking of the email is just an imagined excuse to keep the responsiblity of this affair solely in my corner. The reason she wanted me to lock the voicemail (last time) is because at that time, that was the only thing she was still tied to. She had broke her email habit and felt voicemail was the last thing that still tied us together. Voicemail has been gone for months now - and she hasn't. A drug addict does not kick their habit by ridding the world of drugs first. Likewise with an alcoholic and alcohol. If she is to successfully kick this habit, she has to do it on her own. After our 'last time', I did not tempt her by leaving messages in email. It was empty. She started that back up.
I replied to her email (mentioned in last post) by telling her nothing has changed since my previous emails. I told her I refuse to promise her anything that I'm not 99% certain I can keep. I can only promise to try. And I told her that there were still enough memories from our last conversations and last time together to help carry me for awhile. Hopefully, long enough. I added a p.s. later that said "but this has nothing to do with choosing them over you". This was her reply:
have tried so many times to end it on good terms. it's leaving - there's
never going to be perfect terms...no matter what.
i am soooooo tired of your psychological bull shit. it's never a good time to
leave...you always provide an excuse...
so i hope you are happy. now we can leave on bad terms.
i am soooo done with this shit.
I guess it's possible I've (by accident) given her the 'fight' she sez she needs to stay away. But its kinda sad that she took what was my honest feelings and viewed them as just excuses and psychological bullshit. But considering the place she was in at the time, I don't fault her for that. The unfortunate reality though is she has ended things with almost these exact words several times before. Once the anger subsides, she'll be back.
It comes down to this. I have to ignore any attempts she makes to come back. And that folks, is where I will fail miserably. And she knows this. But she also is very well aware that I will not leave my family. I have never given her mixed signals about this, and she has never accused me of such. So she is well aware of what all that I can offer her. And all that I can't.
I replied to her email (mentioned in last post) by telling her nothing has changed since my previous emails. I told her I refuse to promise her anything that I'm not 99% certain I can keep. I can only promise to try. And I told her that there were still enough memories from our last conversations and last time together to help carry me for awhile. Hopefully, long enough. I added a p.s. later that said "but this has nothing to do with choosing them over you". This was her reply:
have tried so many times to end it on good terms. it's leaving - there's
never going to be perfect terms...no matter what.
i am soooooo tired of your psychological bull shit. it's never a good time to
leave...you always provide an excuse...
so i hope you are happy. now we can leave on bad terms.
i am soooo done with this shit.
I guess it's possible I've (by accident) given her the 'fight' she sez she needs to stay away. But its kinda sad that she took what was my honest feelings and viewed them as just excuses and psychological bullshit. But considering the place she was in at the time, I don't fault her for that. The unfortunate reality though is she has ended things with almost these exact words several times before. Once the anger subsides, she'll be back.
It comes down to this. I have to ignore any attempts she makes to come back. And that folks, is where I will fail miserably. And she knows this. But she also is very well aware that I will not leave my family. I have never given her mixed signals about this, and she has never accused me of such. So she is well aware of what all that I can offer her. And all that I can't.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 8:15 AM
2 Comments:
Sara's problem is that she was looking for the impossible all along, it seems. You were supposed to unleash her sexuality, her dreams, her hopes, her servitude? to her husband and 'lifestyle'. Some hot sex does unleash these things - for a moment - but once the sex is over and the daily grind begins anew, everything tarnishes. She, like most, people, was thinking ahead to what was next, or what the future would hold, expecting it to hold your final release of her, from her circumstances. You were supposed to release her by leaving your wife. In her mind, your truth about the impossiblity or unlikelihood of this is "psychological bullshit." IMHO, it takes a bullshitter to know one. She hadn't left her husband had she? And all her "leaving" your affair, coming back, fiddling with emails and phones and so on = bullshitting. I think that her 4 years invested in this affair was contingent, in her mind, on you leaving your wife and releasing her from the life she fully chose, four small kids and a suspicious husband and all. Since you have never done that, you are flogged in her mind. She now has to flog you though you told the truth all along -- so that she can remove some guilt/complicity from herself. --VM--
The addict analogy is an interesting one. The addict DOES kick their habit by ridding THEIR world of drugs, removing themselves until they gain their strength. She's asking you, her dealer, to not push the product she's trying to walk away from. You can do that for her and you probably know it's best for her (even if not for you). But the true test of your moral compass will be after she's clean and she comes back begging for a fix - will you give it to her and get her hooked again, or turn her away for her own good? Then if she turns to someone else, it's no longer your drama. It's all hers and she can't disclaim the responsibility again.
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