Before I Locked It
We had a fantastic heart to heart conversation, and even slipped in a little phone sex. She had her walls down, her heart wide open and honesty on the table. She made one last attempt to get me to consider a life with her full time. It broke my heart to tell her it wasn't possible. I knew we both would carry a guilt into that relationship that would strain it from the start. A guilt that would come from seeing the aftermath of that decision. She then asked that I give her back to her kids and husband. She has not been able to give them 100% of her. The thought of her children not getting all of there mother, because of me, was enough of a push in the right direction. I told her I was ready to lock her out of the account but she wanted the opportunity to write one more email to me. It was this:
i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.
sucks. gawd it's going to hurt sooo bad.
while i was driving around i was able to reflect on the last 4 years. it felt good. i could smile and even laugh when a fun time came to mind. felt good to have emotions about it instead of trying to bury it and pretend it never happened.
another corny thought that came to mind is - you make my body sing. i don't know how else to say it. harmony - my mind & body. i've never been there in my entire life. it's so hard to let go. it's only been four years but i feel like i've known you forever. but i also feel like there's soooo much more i want to know and will never get the opportunity. a knowing that could only be if we were together.
the other thing which is, i guess you can say ironic, that after our phone conversation the other day - i walked away knowing you truly love me. after 4 years you've finally convinced me & now it's over. double edge sword - i'm sure you didn't want to hear it, but i'm sure you did.
i love you. there will never be another. that i can promise you. when i wrote i love you, i remember the times you would write it 100 times across the screen. my heart is finally smiling with all the memories.
i miss you. i love you so much.
i just want to type & type & type. i don't want this to end. but thank you for letting it end this way. i can cry now instead of trying to pretend to be pissed at you. i close this with tears in my eyes.
I locked her out of the account. A perfect ending - or as perfect as can be expected. But this morning she text messaged me from a new email account she created. She wanted to tell me how much it stung when she tried to log in and she couldn't. I'm sure she has locked herself out of that new account already, but it's what I've told her many times before. Locking this account wasn't going to change a thing. I HAVE to resist responding to any emails I receive from her. That's the ONLY way this will stop.
i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.
sucks. gawd it's going to hurt sooo bad.
while i was driving around i was able to reflect on the last 4 years. it felt good. i could smile and even laugh when a fun time came to mind. felt good to have emotions about it instead of trying to bury it and pretend it never happened.
another corny thought that came to mind is - you make my body sing. i don't know how else to say it. harmony - my mind & body. i've never been there in my entire life. it's so hard to let go. it's only been four years but i feel like i've known you forever. but i also feel like there's soooo much more i want to know and will never get the opportunity. a knowing that could only be if we were together.
the other thing which is, i guess you can say ironic, that after our phone conversation the other day - i walked away knowing you truly love me. after 4 years you've finally convinced me & now it's over. double edge sword - i'm sure you didn't want to hear it, but i'm sure you did.
i love you. there will never be another. that i can promise you. when i wrote i love you, i remember the times you would write it 100 times across the screen. my heart is finally smiling with all the memories.
i miss you. i love you so much.
i just want to type & type & type. i don't want this to end. but thank you for letting it end this way. i can cry now instead of trying to pretend to be pissed at you. i close this with tears in my eyes.
I locked her out of the account. A perfect ending - or as perfect as can be expected. But this morning she text messaged me from a new email account she created. She wanted to tell me how much it stung when she tried to log in and she couldn't. I'm sure she has locked herself out of that new account already, but it's what I've told her many times before. Locking this account wasn't going to change a thing. I HAVE to resist responding to any emails I receive from her. That's the ONLY way this will stop.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 10:29 AM
8 Comments:
Sounds like the best way something like this can end, honestly. I have to say I am not surprised that she explained what the real hope was - that you'd leave your wife/family and join hers. When she's spoken about the problems she's had dealing with this, it was easy to read between the lines and see that she was also struggling because she wanted from you the main thing that you could not give her. [People think this makes affairs between two married people easier, but I think things can always go FUBAR regardless...] I wish you well & hope you'll ignore her entreaties, as it would be selfish to reply when you know that the one thing she wants is impossible. Take care of yourself too. --VM--
i hope that you will still continue to write. i have followed your blog for a while now as a lurker and with each word i read i feel the deep pain that runs through you sometimes. i know one day that could be me.
life will move on but she will always fill a space in your heart that no one can replace.
be well and keep writing!
I am both glad and sad for you at once. Been in the same boat for about the same amount of time and know exactly how difficult it can be...
I hope that I can put mine behind me soon too, sounds like this ended well. A friend suggested that mine may want the same thing from me but I feel the same way as you. I couldn't look at the destruction it would cause and be able to enjoy it. I'm sure she'd feel the same.
Best to you.
VM - I think it will be impossible for me not to answer her call. In the back of my mind I'm always hoping she can find the same compromise that I have with us. 'Some' is better than 'Nothing'. If she writes me, I will think its because she has found, or is now willing to accept, this compromise. How will I be able to resist responding?
bella - i don't plan on going anywhere just yet, but if i'm absent from writing its because i'm probably still in a good place.
I hope you can both reach an ending this way. I think you can resist responding by remembering that her children don't fully have her with you in her life. Imagine her off in her closet masturbating while the TV babysits them, or her mechanically responding to their questions, not giving them any interest, because she's thinking of you, or all the ways they don't get the benefit of two jointly loving parents because her heart is split wishing you were her husband instead.
You already seem to realize (she doesn't) that it's not a happy-ending fairy tale when marriages end and there are no obvious impediments to you being together. I'm dealing with this right now myself. My marriage is long over, my lover's is newly ending, and yet we're still not together, even though for 18 months we said we would be if we were both single. The end of a marriage changes a person, their needs, their priorities, their emotions. The whole world is open to both of us whereas we had narrowed it to each other before. We have practical considerations to deal with now, like distance, finances, each other's children. We are each emotionally needing support and closure and can't give each other anything without getting something back. We can't do halfway fuckbuddy relationships with each other because we're already too emotionally involved with each other, so we each have them with someone else. But that runs the risk of setting us up to be each other's "other person" again and continuing the cycle that kept us apart. I never spent any time during the affair wishing things were different, and I'm glad, because I never could have imagined how unhappy and dissatisfied I would be if he were not married. I don't know where things will end up as we each grow and heal, but I know that right now we're further apart than when either of us were married.
Sorry to hijack, just saying that she has this fantasy that would probably not be true. She can't live with you in the now, she can't live with you in the future and still function. She has to put you in her past to get along.
If this hurts her, and she has a solid reason why you're not together, can you imagine how devastated she'd be to be alone with her children, and you single, and yet the love you have isn't enough to keep you together? It's so much easier to end an affair saying "it's the circumstances, not the emotion" then to have your lives fall apart and face the reality that maybe the emotion just wasn't enough.
Maybe when you feel weak you can write here as if it's her and at least get it out. I have so many documents on my hard drive of emails to my lover I've never sent him, things I need to say but he can't really hear right now.
They say relationships are mainly about timing. I'm starting to believe it. Not only that, but that the people who are happiest are those who accept and yield control to time and fate.
You wrote, "In the back of my mind I'm always hoping she can find the same compromise that I have with us." Are you sure that's the body part where this hope is located (like, that hope is not located further south...?)? You seem to miss the main thing that attracted you in the first place: she is a woman. Period. We are taught via romance novels, "The Bachelor," and other sources that romance & love win all. We are NOT taught that occasional sex, furtive phone sex, and naughty emails will satisfy us for the rest of our lives, and that we can take all manner of unrest as long as we have our secret, taboo affairs. What we are taught makes us think that if we trade our sex, our passion, our orgasms -- we will get the key to 'his' heart, and thus, everlasting happiness. So Sara has never been able to perceive this the way that you do. She has never successfully compartmentalized this, and maybe if she had, there wouldn't be any love here - just the occasional sexual interlude. Her inability to compartmentalize has revealed itself in the many dramatic ups and downs of the relationship. You have to let go of the possibilities because there aren't any. And let go of the fear that she'll hate you for not responding. Tit for tat never ends well and it never ends, really.
Kayten makes a point: even when two people depart their marriages 'for each other' - or for any reason - it doesn't necessarily mean that they will or can end up together. Ending up together guarantees no success, and likely, the only known quantity is pain and difficulty. Second and third marriages have much higher divorce rates. And she also rightly suggests that sometimes, the affair's potency is primarily due to its secrecy and narrowness, its unreality, its distance from mortgages, the flu, childrens' troubles, battles over toilet seats, and the like. Affairs are not the same as dating, and they're not the same as marriages, and that's probably a good thing. --VM--
your post has engaged some interesting conversation...too bad we can't all in the same room, sharing these feelings and providing each other with support
i too am struggling with the end..i vacillate between WHY does it have to end (heart speaking) and knowing exactly why it has to end (mind speaking)...
i think in my situation, i just wasn't ready for the end yet...we all know these affairs will end sometime, it was just that the affair hadn't depleted me yet..it was still fulfilling and somewhat unexplored
but for him, it was time to stop..at least for now...ideally,
its always much easier when its more mutual
i totally understand the comment about her not being 100% there for her family and her children..i often find my thoughts drifting somewhere else
but then when i completely focus on family, children, work..i feel like a part of me is lost and that secret passion is going untapped
most days, it just feels like a no-win and a struggle
we can consciously choose to approach each day with gratitude and thanks (appropriate for this week) and that does help..and we can focus on what we have v. what we don't have
but when you've had pleasure, passion, intensity, connection...its hard to not have that anymore..
hugs...**bellacara**
I admire you...and I say this because I know what it is like, what is entails, how extreme the emotions are and how frustrating the situation is in it's never changing limitations.
I wish I had your strength.
Love
MG
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