Getting Tough
***Updated***
What a difference a weekend makes. Last week I was doing great. I hadn't closed the account yet because I was waiting for Sara to read my response, parting last words, to make sure she knew I wasn't upset with her. But since she hasn't been back yet to read it, I'm starting to have trouble trying to keep my back turned. I want to delete that email and leave one now that says I can't leave. I won't leave. She's a big girl and she has the right to stay away with no interference from me. But I have to be there for her if she comes back. Don't know if its just the Monday blues, but it's unsettling.
***It appears minutes before I posted this, she had come back to read that email. At the end of that email I told her that once I saw she had read it, I'll lock the account. Her reply was "read it". Of course I would have known she had without her telling me, but guess she wanted the last word. ;)
What a difference a weekend makes. Last week I was doing great. I hadn't closed the account yet because I was waiting for Sara to read my response, parting last words, to make sure she knew I wasn't upset with her. But since she hasn't been back yet to read it, I'm starting to have trouble trying to keep my back turned. I want to delete that email and leave one now that says I can't leave. I won't leave. She's a big girl and she has the right to stay away with no interference from me. But I have to be there for her if she comes back. Don't know if its just the Monday blues, but it's unsettling.
***It appears minutes before I posted this, she had come back to read that email. At the end of that email I told her that once I saw she had read it, I'll lock the account. Her reply was "read it". Of course I would have known she had without her telling me, but guess she wanted the last word. ;)
posted by do_in_it_2 | 10:26 AM
5 Comments:
Then I think you owe it to her to lock the account and walk away like you said you would.
Her life sounds unhappy when you're in it as well as when you're not in it. But when you're in it, she seems distracted by fantasies of a life she will never have. This has gone on for years now. I can understand her need to just put an end to the distraction and focus on the reality of her life, even if it is mostly miserable.
It makes me think of someone who hates their marriage, family, home, and job, who buys a lottery ticket every day just for the five minutes of fantasizing how they'd change it all if they hit the jackpot. They'll never win it (and they KNOW they'll never win it) but it's a nice distraction. Until one day they realize that they're relying on the fantasy and never doing anything real to change their life, and if they continue, they're going to be miserable forever, existing only for the five minutes' distraction which permits them not to make major changes. So they stop buying lottery tickets and start taking control of their own life, finding that self-empowerment is much more gratifying than the distraction of fantasy.
Maybe that's where Sara is now. Maybe she'll come back in a moment of weakness and you'll have to start all over again. But I'm cheering for her. I would hate for her to be 58 years old and looking back at her life, realizing she spent it all wishing she had something else and still trying to escape from the bits and pieces of the fantasy you offer her.
Well said, kayten.
What Kayten said.
End this for both of you so that both of you can move on.
my two cents
as long as she thinks you are there, this torment will continue
if you move on and she believes you did, it will be better for you both
i know this is easier said than done (believe me, i know)
hang in there...and prepare for the ups and downs.
What Kayten said was good, I liked the analogy of the lottery ticket.
I was in much the same boat, 3 1/2 years, on again, off again. The roller coaster can be painful, very much so.
BC said that as long as she knows you are there the torment would continue, entirely true, but for who. She can come back around even if you give it up. Agreeing to "call it a day" and walking away doesn't guarantee and end to the whole mess. I can't tell you how many times she "gave me closure" only to call in 2 weeks or 2 months. I suppose I could change my cell number but why should I have to do that, I have never called her after those times.
Once she called me the day after her birthday, saying she had a dream that something had happened to me. Actually she was upset that I never called to say Happy Birthday. why? she said we were over.
One time we sat in a restaurant, shortly after she had gotten married (unbelievably she married in the middle of this time), I told her that I thought it was best if I walked away. She looked at me and laughed, she said "oh, that'll last about 30 days".
Both of you have to want to let go at the same time and then even sticking with it is tougher than hell.
Mine is still coming around, hopefully now I have the strength to "just say no".
My best to you man, let it go.
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