Resignation
I'm resigning from the hope/expectation I had of Sara calling me before the holidays. And because she hasn't you probably have come to the conclusion that after our last conversation things were not good for her. You know that she is not in a great place right now, but a better one than where she'd be if she called me again. You know that all I need to do is tell her I want her all to myself and she'd drop everything to be with only me. But you know I'd hurt 3 other people I love dearly in the process. You know I'm in a special place in her heart. And you know that she spends all of her time either thinking of me, or trying not to think of me.
Now if only I can convince myself.
Now if only I can convince myself.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 7:26 AM
5 Comments:
everyday i go through this:
"i will not call him, i will not call him, i will not call him"
i feel for you...
Not to raise your expectations again, but I believe she will call you. Possibly after the holidays when things slow down for her?
Is this the root of the problem with marriage, yours or anyone else's?:
"The problem comes from a realization that only had occured to me yesterday. Since the moment I laid eyes on this new woman, I had never looked at her in a sexual way. Yes, she is very sexy, but the thought of what a great lay she would be had never entered into my mind. And it still hasn't. That has only happened once before in my life that I can remember. Yes. The time I met Sara. "
In other words, if one does not feel this way when they meet their spouse - if one does not remanufacture this feeling regularly in marriage - then one is leaving themselves quite open to the slippery slope of falling into affairs, into lust, and into love with another person. Or a string of others. Are you keeping feelings for Sara because they justify the affair and the angst of it? (Like, it's a once in a lifetime thing, it's special, so that makes it all okay.) I know I ask the tough questions - that's me - but I also know there are enough people who think of themselves as 'romantics' who would say this: if Sara's that once in a lifetime, then why waste your lifetime in a relationship that is not these things? Yes, your wife & kids would end up hurt, her husband & kids would be hurt too, but eventually it would all settle into some equilibrium.
Clearly I am NOT a romantic, more of a pragmatist. I don't think there's any easy answer here. But I do think that if you wish to get past Sara and move on, you need time to grieve, feel the feelings, and then move into really examining your vision for your life and whether you can live that vision more completely, whatever that vision is or may be. --VM--
VM - think you hit the nail on the head. yes, i'm afraid to realize Sara might not have been the only 'one' for me. that's been my justification for this whole affair. i think. but i do know that i'm not keeping feelings for her just because of that. they are true and run deep.
regarding wasting a lifetime, i'll borrow a cliche' and tweak it slightly: The hearts of the many outweigh the hearts of the few. I have mentioned to Sara so many times in the past that not being able to be together is our punishment for this affair. I except this punishment, which probably explains why I feel no guilt.
Very well put VM.
FWIW, do_in_it_2, IMO, there are no "only one(s)." There are people that come along at certain times and at certain places, some better than others, all different.
What *SUCKS* is being caughtin the lmibo in between choices and committing to them.
Its a matter of deciding what you want and when and then proceeding accordingly. And, in addition, knowing when to say *enough* if that doesn't work and moving on.
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