Contradictions

I've had a mixed bag of thoughts that surface occasionally that - when standing by themselves - tend to be a reasonable explanation as to why I'm still in a good place. But taken together they seem to be very contradictory. Yet in no way do I feel confused because of it. Which of course just adds to the contradiction. Whenever I get the urge to call Sara or contact her in some way, I think to myself "If she could see me, how do I want her to see me?" My answer is that I want her to see a decisive, strong, and happy person. I want her to be proud of me. Yet I know it would probably hurt her to see me that way and that would upset me for having done that. It meant to her that I've moved on. Yet I never waiver from that impression I want her to have of me. And how about this: Whenever my thoughts of her brings a longing in my heart and I start to feel depressed, I turn it around by thinking of one of those memorable family moments that I long for as well. That longing feels so much better. So much happier. Yet, my desire is to relive those moments with Sara. One last thought. I have no expectations of Sara coming back, yet just to be contradictive, I also don't feel like this is the end. Go figure. I'm not struggling with any of this. And I feel absolutely no confusion either. Don't know how that's possible, and I don't think I care. It works for me. And if sometime down the road I realize that I've been subconsciously hanging onto a pipe dream..... well.... then time is now on my side and I've already gotten past that big first hurdle that comes from physical seperation.