A Day.
I left Sara this email today. Not that she's checked in almost 2 months, but had to get it off my chest. An overwhelming urge to get it off my chest.
don't know if you care but here's what a bad day is like for me. i start to miss you so much i feel something like an anxiety attack coming on. actually it's probably just an overwhelming urge to call you, but feels the same. i have to go for long walks to try to subdue it, thinking of other things trying to get my mind off you. but seems the more i try, the worse it gets. people i know pass me in the halls or outside and i don't even acknowledge them because my mind is so into thinking of you, or trying not to think of you. then i feel myself starting to break, realizing the only way to have you is for us to be together forever. so now i want to call you to tell you that i'm ready. but then the fear of you telling me no keeps me from calling you. vicious circle that lasts most of the day.
like today.
I know. Sounds pretty pathetic, but it was therapeutic. Thing is..... today she finally checked in. Not really sure I wanted her to read that.
don't know if you care but here's what a bad day is like for me. i start to miss you so much i feel something like an anxiety attack coming on. actually it's probably just an overwhelming urge to call you, but feels the same. i have to go for long walks to try to subdue it, thinking of other things trying to get my mind off you. but seems the more i try, the worse it gets. people i know pass me in the halls or outside and i don't even acknowledge them because my mind is so into thinking of you, or trying not to think of you. then i feel myself starting to break, realizing the only way to have you is for us to be together forever. so now i want to call you to tell you that i'm ready. but then the fear of you telling me no keeps me from calling you. vicious circle that lasts most of the day.
like today.
I know. Sounds pretty pathetic, but it was therapeutic. Thing is..... today she finally checked in. Not really sure I wanted her to read that.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 1:43 PM
12 Comments:
What is the allure? What is it that keeps you, willingly, in this limbo and unabated desire? Beyond the sex, I mean. Can you describe the attraction, relationship, connection, and knowledge of each other more fully, pretty please? --VM--
I am curious too. To me it seems like torture. Why express that to her if you know very well you are not going to leave your wife? That is cruel to be honest. If she reads the email and says "Yes lets" will you leave your wife?? Somehow I doubt it.
VM - since you said pretty please, I did think extra hard about your questions. But sorry, I don't know what to tell you that is any different than what other people find in each other. It could be as cliche' as - deep, to the core, soul-binding love, which needs no justification. It's just there. Or it could be something as shallow as wanting something I can't have. I sure can't figure it out but I'm hoping its the first thing.
anon - I always know I can retract an email I send if I have second thoughts later. I've done this many times, and only a few did she read before I could delete it. And its that thinking she might get from the email is why I wish she didn't read it. But I do want her to know how hard it (still) is for me. But its not torture - at least not for the majority of the time.
"realizing the only way to have you is for us to be together forever. so now i want to call you to tell you that i'm ready"
This is torture for HER, not you. You have always clearly said that you will not leave your wife/kids, but here you are dangling a lure.
What if she took you up on that, then you pulled it back. That is the cruelty that "anon" alluded to.
Thank you Iam--you are right, that's what i meant. I am also speaking from experience. I wasted five years (and I LOVE my husband) in a "come here/go away" relationship with another married man. I will never ever go back to that. I was stupid for letting it happen. It took me a long time to break that cycle. It's hurtful and hard..there is no romance left when its constantly a roller coaster ride. The things you emailed to Sara whether you hope she reads it or not, are just so manipulative. Its as if you want her attention enough to write the words --but we all know once you get it (her attention) you're not going to leave your wife. I think for you, you should deeply seek why you allow yourself to keep toying with her..because it's dangerous and it's hurtful. To both of you. This is not what "Love" or "Romance" is about.
I know, I'm always the bad guy. It's all on me. I'm not allowed to be human. And only a woman is allowed the prerogative to change her mind - as her feelings change.
Bottom line, its how I feel on those days. Those days I miss her so much, I actually think its possible to leave my wife/kids for her. It's a downtime for me, and its something I usually recover from. And when I do, I'd delete any emails reflecting that.
Ha ha. You are The Bad Guy, exactly. Well - maybe that's the impression because no one here knows her side of the story. And there's the perception that you've already clarified that the two of you have different long term needs and goals for this thing, so it may seem to readers as if you are 'bad' for changing it up yet again. (Sometimes I think I'm silly for even replying because I know that in time, all things will change!) Are you really a bad guy? Only you know, I suppose.
As for me, still over here on page 347 while everyone else is on page 1, I was kind of hoping for a longer, more nuanced explanation or discussion of what you love about this woman, what you know of her character, her depth, what would draw you together and make you want to even fantasize forever. I freely admit that I am not a romantic, as should be obvious to you by now, so "deep soul-binding love" doesn't make sense to me just on its own. I like to know the story behind it. Why do you love her this much? What does she do for you? How does she make you a better, fuller person? What does she inspire from you? All those things...and of course, since I'm on pg 347, off in m own little corner of your story, NONE of this may be relevant. Feel free to inform me that I am a loon. =VM=
No one said you were the bad guy. I think she's a little wacko at times when she contacts you and then ends contact within 24 hours. Just a lot of weird back and forth that goes on. And in the end we all know you both aren't leaving your spouses. So in the end it's the jaded part of me that says "Why bother"??? It seems like so much energy spent on something you both really can't have.
Anon - If it really were that black and white, don't you think we'd have no problem moving on? Thing is, there is some unknown tie we have for each other that is making that impossible to do. And if I could only figure out the answer to VM's question, that just may be that tie.
VM - I was hoping to write a new post that tries to answer your question, but I'm failing miserably. It's just a feeling I have for her that I've never experienced before in my life. Aside from the sex, there isn't a thing I see in her that I don't also see in my wife. Even their flaws are identical yet I find Sara's to be endearing and my wife's to be irritating. Go figure.
That's how affairs are. People we have affairs with--we don't share bills and kids with them. We don't argue over who does the laundry or who's fixing dinner etc. No matter who you're having an affair with- they are going to be less irritating than the one you see 24/7. That's just plain common sense. And its what makes the affair partner much more "desireable" than they really are or would be had we married them.
Anon - that might seem like common sense, but in our case (as is the case with me at home) all that stuff slips neatly into place. Logistics is not, and would not be a problem. And the irritation things I speak of are common to most women. :)
Noone has said that only a woman has the prerogative to change her mind...what they have said, though, is that it is unfair to Sara that you should alternately draw her in and then push her away. It seems that she has been entirely clear about what she wishes to occur in your relationship, however YOU are confused and falter at making a definite decision. Of course, this is human, but it doesn't make Sara's life any easier. She wants either to have it all with you, or give up on that pipe dream and face her real life. I feel for her, because you (whether intentionally or not) keep dangling the lure of 'what could be' in front of her, so that she can't bring herself to walk away.
Lots of us have been in this kind of situation before (whether as an affair or not) and it reaches a point where you have to say to yourself, I am destroying the person that I love and care for.
It may be the kindest thing to let her go...write your emails, but press 'save as draft', not 'send'. It'll be torture for you, I know, but the best thing for the woman you love.
Post a Comment
<< Home