Started
I've started many posts over the last two weeks, but never would finish them. Seeing what I wrote only convinced me more how unsure I am with what I want to do. I bounce back and forth between my need to contact her - hoping to have that face to face talk - and my need for her to contact me first. Either way, it's become obvious to me that the option to let her go is not even on the table. The way I look at it, as long as I can wait for her to contact me, the better the chance that I will have moved on if I don't hear from her. But there is one concern she has always had, and that is hearing from me years down the line. At a time when she has finally settled into the life she was dealt, she is afraid I will come around and stir up all those emotions again. I have to admit, that will always be a possibility.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 10:14 AM
4 Comments:
In a way, you are doing to her what my lover is doing to me. It's a dance of sorts. If I get too close he takes three steps back. If I leave the floor, he soon runs after me. I have asked J more than once to tell me that things are over, that we won't contact each other again so that I can try to get on with my life. He wants to leave the door open, but without any commitment to walk through it. He just wants the possibility that we might somewhere down the road make this a more permanent, more real relationship. I hate that I can't just close the door on him, but I love him so much that I continue to hope that one day he will come around and want the same kind of relationship that I do.
It's hard to be in this position. I can tell from your writings that it is just as hard to be on the other side of it.
What J said - men always seem to do this. Is sitting on the fence really that comfortable? D stopped being my lover back at the end of September, moved a new woman into his house 5 months after his wife left, but still calls me at least once a week to see how things are going ... reminds me how sexy I am and says crap like, "take care of that pussy because I might just want to slide my cock into it again." I see this with other women ending affairs too. We like the black and white and the men like the gray. I wonder if it's just because we're generally more monogamous by nature?
If there's one character I hate in a man, though, it's weakness. Especially from a lover. How can I expect a man to control me sexually when he can't even control his own impulses?
Both of you could generate a plethora of 'what ifs' from now till your kids are college graduates. Maybe 'what now?' is better..?
We all have the responsibility - sometimes, solely - to open our eyes to the choices we make. We can choose to leave the doors open for our lovers/mates/ affairs/etc. or we can choose to close them. We cannot blame people when they take our cues and live at the level of their most banal, their easiest selves. If we don't challenge them or the situation, why would they change? The question is how do you wish to live? With challenge and change or with a lot of doors ajar...? --VM--
Kayten - First off, since its a daily struggle to stay away and not act on my impulses, I think I'm doing a damn good job of controlling them. Secondly, since when did acting on impulse become a weakness? Usually its a sign of spontaneity that women seem to love.
VM - Although I'm not sure what you're getting at, as usual you have a way of sparking a topic for a new post.
trueself - I think my new post will give you a better insight into why we do that.
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