You Knew I Would.
Well, after flip-flopping back and forth on whether to call Sara, I finally did. She hasn't attempted to check email, or visit the website for a month now. A big part of me wanted not to call, but I was so concerned I hurt her with something I said, I had to. Anyway, we both knew I was eventually going to call, so might as well get it over with.
Can't say it makes me feel any better though - although she sounded fine, she was distant, as expected. When I asked her why she hung up on me, she said she finally heard me say the same things she's been trying to convince herself of. And so hearing me say it, she said, gave her what she needed to run with. I do believe that, but I'm sure she didn't make that decision at that moment. I know it hurt her badly to hear it, there's no other reason for her to hang up abruptly like that, and the hurt is what gave her the opportunity to run with it. It helped her build the wall she needed. Of course, she's used hurt to build that wall many times. But aside from the 3 months she was gone thru the holidays - the result of a mutual goodbye - this is far longer than any other time. Of course, as most always in the past, I don't expect her to come back.
Just think. This all came about when she pushed a new button last time. She told me the reason she was concerned about meeting with me (to discuss our relationship), was that she was afraid she'd convince me to run away. That it was my reluctance that has shielded her from uprooting her family. So, I thought I'd alleviate that concern by convincing her why she couldn't talk me into it. Little did I know what I'd be doing. I guess it makes no difference that I never believed any of the things I told her. But it was reality. Oddly. As much as I've always realized and could see the reality, it's the one thing I consistantly refused to let sink in thru all of this.
Can't say it makes me feel any better though - although she sounded fine, she was distant, as expected. When I asked her why she hung up on me, she said she finally heard me say the same things she's been trying to convince herself of. And so hearing me say it, she said, gave her what she needed to run with. I do believe that, but I'm sure she didn't make that decision at that moment. I know it hurt her badly to hear it, there's no other reason for her to hang up abruptly like that, and the hurt is what gave her the opportunity to run with it. It helped her build the wall she needed. Of course, she's used hurt to build that wall many times. But aside from the 3 months she was gone thru the holidays - the result of a mutual goodbye - this is far longer than any other time. Of course, as most always in the past, I don't expect her to come back.
Just think. This all came about when she pushed a new button last time. She told me the reason she was concerned about meeting with me (to discuss our relationship), was that she was afraid she'd convince me to run away. That it was my reluctance that has shielded her from uprooting her family. So, I thought I'd alleviate that concern by convincing her why she couldn't talk me into it. Little did I know what I'd be doing. I guess it makes no difference that I never believed any of the things I told her. But it was reality. Oddly. As much as I've always realized and could see the reality, it's the one thing I consistantly refused to let sink in thru all of this.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 11:12 AM
5 Comments:
You wrote, "So, I thought I'd alleviate that concern by convincing her why she couldn't talk me into it. Little did I know what I'd be doing. I guess it makes no difference that I never believed any of the things I told her." Does that mean that you misrepresented the truth to her? And does this mean that the truth is that you DO believe she wouldn't be too high maintenance, you do believe you could actually make a lifetime relationship work, and you do believe you could each divorce and be together? [And if you do believe these things, then why on earth wouldn't you take steps A, B, and C to make it happen? --VM--
VM - Because of steps D, E, F, and G:
Tell wife, tell kids, she tells husband, she tells her kids. I'm guessing the hurt that will come from that could very well surpass the hurt I feel not having Sara in my life.
Look, please don't forget I'm human. I can see logic, and reality, but that doesn't mean it's easy to accept. And the one trait of mine that keeps this going is the one that thrives on solving the impossible problems in a way that makes everybody happy - or at least content.
Oh, forgot to answer your initial question. Did I misrepresent the truth? What happened in that previous conversation is exactly why I didn't want to have it on the phone. I didn't misrepresent the truth, I was merely thinking out loud, putting thoughts on the table to discuss. She had no clue I was doing that - and thus heard what she did as fact - and hung up. Unfortunately I heard the click the same moment I was telling her that I was only thinking out loud, and didn't really know if I believed what I was saying. If we were in a room together, that would not have happened. There would not have been that miscommunication.
Reality sucks.
So why dont you just find someone else?
I mean you have said it before. So why not now? Why go on when nothing is going to come of this?
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