Thinking Out Loud.
I'm really struggling with this. I want to let her be, and if she is to come back, it has to be on her own. But sometimes I get tired of being the passive one. Laying back and waiting for her. I have every right to call her and ask why she hung up on me. But I keep telling myself it really doesn't matter why. But it does.
I can't let this go. Every day that goes by, my need to know increases. I keep telling myself I'm just looking for an excuse to call her. But I'm not buying it. I really need to know. And I think the reason just goes back to how protective I've always been with her. I don't want her to hurt. And I know whatever I said has hurt her deeply. Yes, I know she's now using that hurt to fuel her resolve to stay away for good. And yes I know that's probably best for her in the long run. Doesn't matter. Every relationship that ends badly remains as a sore that never heals. I DON'T want to be a sore.
She has left no doubt in my mind how she feels about me, but unfortunately I continuely have left doubts in her mind. And that bothers me. Although I now know its impossible to accomplish - I always tried to make sure she never had those doubts. But she has now used 'leaving my family' as a benchmark, and I failed. And common sense tells me that benchmark will constantly change, so it is impossible. Yet I will continue to try.
I can't let this go. Every day that goes by, my need to know increases. I keep telling myself I'm just looking for an excuse to call her. But I'm not buying it. I really need to know. And I think the reason just goes back to how protective I've always been with her. I don't want her to hurt. And I know whatever I said has hurt her deeply. Yes, I know she's now using that hurt to fuel her resolve to stay away for good. And yes I know that's probably best for her in the long run. Doesn't matter. Every relationship that ends badly remains as a sore that never heals. I DON'T want to be a sore.
She has left no doubt in my mind how she feels about me, but unfortunately I continuely have left doubts in her mind. And that bothers me. Although I now know its impossible to accomplish - I always tried to make sure she never had those doubts. But she has now used 'leaving my family' as a benchmark, and I failed. And common sense tells me that benchmark will constantly change, so it is impossible. Yet I will continue to try.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 7:51 AM
4 Comments:
What makes you think that you have "the right" to call her and intrude in her life? She is married w/kids, and has her life separate from yours. I also find it mildly disingenious that you claim to be "passive" when it so often DOES seem like you are the one reaching out, sending things, leaving backdoors, etc...
You talk about sores, well this seems to be one that keeps getting picked over and over and over again, so it will never heal. I have said it before and will say it again, let it go. IMO, you will both end up better off.
If you want an affair (as you have said that you do0, don't you think it'd be easier to find a better one than this?
Finally, what makes you think "leaving your family" as a benchmark will ever change for her, seems like that has been a constant.
I have the 'right' just as much as she feels she has the 'right' to contact me out of the blue. Which she has done numerous times.
I sent one thing - in the, well over, 50 times that she has left. And that was the only time I've reached out to her. Yes I leave doors open, but leaving doors open still requires sitting back and waiting. I would consider that pretty passive.
Should clarify. The benchmark will change even if I left my family and was with her. There will always be doubts in her mind, and she will always apply some sort of benchmark or 'test'. But I totally enjoy removing those doubts, and actually, what a great way to keep things fresh and exciting.
This doesn't sound exciting anymore. It sounds painful, for both and all involved. Believe me I'm not judging you on the affair issue, but instead on the dynamics of the relationship between the two of you. It does not sound healthy or good. It sounds like a lot of game playing, a lot of things that don't at all make for a good bond.
This relationship was doomed from the beginning. The married party always goes back, and she has. I do realize you are married as well. But, she has left this affair. One of you just has to be the bigger, healthier, more mature, (whatever you want to call it) adult and close the doors, and never look back. It's the only way to ever have any peace of mind. This affair is over, very over....you know it in you heart, and so does she. Good Luck!
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