Late.
I just re-read my last post and realized I should have updated you a lot sooner than this. Yes, she has been reading my emails since the last one she left me. Yet, she still chooses to remain hidden. She had out-patient surgery last Monday and I was hoping - and yes, nudging her via email - she would let me know if all went well. Since she never said a word, I called her yesterday. Even though I had no expectations from the call other than to hear how things went, I was still left feeling discouraged. Discouraged that she still expends so much energy fighting me. Fighting us. She's all excited about a project she's working on for her husbands new business. It takes her back to her days in school doing what she's trained to do. I loved hearing the excitement in her voice, and loved her telling me how bad she wants my opinion on it. But she refuses to send me pictures because, as she puts it, "we know where that will lead". Yes I do. So, whats so damn wrong with that? Don't answer that - its rhetorical.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 8:57 AM
13 Comments:
I am absolutely the last person who should give advice on situations such as this, being in a similar one myself. That being said, I must say it seems like it would be a kindness to you both if you were to take the step to stop contacting her. She seems like she is working at getting on with her life without you, and you just aren't willing to let go. For your own sanity, as well as hers, let go.
Just confused. Sounds like this woman wants to be with you if she can have you 100 percent, yet you ask the question why she is fighting the feelings you have for one another. Just my opinion, but she wants you all or nothing and she finally has the strengh to stand behind it. Question i have is what do you want from her, just an affair or to take it to the next level, from what i read you would just be happy having an affair with her for the rest of your life.
My questions are more pragmatic. How many times have you actually seen her, say, in the last 12 months? And how many times have you actually done anything sexual? --VM--
Being the female in this same-type scenario (only longer), I am curious to hear why you hold on - because I am always wondering that of my guy - we haven't seen each other in 2.5 years and the drama and angst is still as high as ever - if you stop reaching out to her, are you afraid she will forget about you, get over you and move on?
I hold on simply because I don't want to let go. Letting go means I will never see her again, and that thought tears me up inside. No, I'm not afraid she'll move on if I stop reaching out to her.
VM - Last time was about a month and a half ago. But before then it was almost a year. According to her, the emotions she goes through everytime after we've gotten together has become almost impossible to recover from. Apparently she's still recovering from the last time.
what a shame that you put all this effort into holding onto a dead relationship. Maybe if you put all this effort that you expend holding onto Sara into your wife and family you will find your "true" happiness. This relationship that you cling to is like beating a dead horse. IT IS OVER, SO OVER. It's a crutch that you run to when you both need an ego boost. It's unfair to your spouses, and your children....it's very selfish. She will never, ever leave her husband for you, even if you got a divorce. Why, because the allure would be gone.
I speak from experience, I had an affair. Nearly ruined my marriage, and went back to my husband .....woman, generally go back..but, you probably know that, and that is the allure for you.
Good Luck...
anon - not that I expect you to read my whole blog, but if you did, you'd find she is the one who is willing to leave her husband. I'm the hold out.
I hear that suggestion ("..if you would spend as much time on your marriage..etc etc.") so often, but I've yet to understand how that makes any sense.
Not trying to be a know it all here, honestly. But I would be willing to bet that if you did break up with your wife, and where foot loose and fancy free, the reality of what she is doing, would hit her like a ton of bricks and send her running back to her husband and children. Once again, speaking from experience.
Why I say put more effort into your marriage is because it is reality. This affair is fantasy, and I would suggest waking up from fantasy land before you loose what is "real" and that's your family. Or is that what you want is for your wife to find out and leave you? Would that somehow make it easier for you? Please don't think that I'm being harsh....I'm just trying to understand this. And one more thing if you where truly putting you all into you wife and kids you would have no time for Sara or anyone else.
Best wishes, and clarity.....:)
Anon - If you look back at my posts you will see that's exactly what I've tried to do. Several times. I wanted a face to face 'talk' with her because I was convinced she couldn't make the decision to leave her family. With her making that decision, and not having me make it, I felt would help her to decide what she really wanted out of us.
As to your last comment, that's such a cliche'. For anybody to put their 'all' into their spouse and kids, would mean having to quit anything else in their life they have passions for (i.e. career, hobby, sport activity). Where do you draw the line?
{As to your last comment, that's such a cliche'. For anybody to put their 'all' into their spouse and kids, would mean having to quit anything else in their life they have passions for (i.e. career, hobby, sport activity). Where do you draw the line?}
You totally took my comment the wrong way. It's not a cliche' to love your wife and children, and respect them so as to not want to go out on your wife, your children's mother. And to say that to put everything into your kids and wife would mean giving up hobbies ect. is silly. You still live, just do so with respect to your family. Your not committed to anything, or anyone the way it sounds....just kind of wafting in the breeze.
Peace, and clarity
I feel for you. I really, truly do. I have tried so hard to let go of a relationship for a while now, and it isn't easy, because we human beings are complex creatures. We can rationally and intellectually understand that what we are doing is not right or good, but our emotions override our intellect.
Can we love more than one person at the same time? I think so, at least I can. Is that acceptable to society? No. Is it acceptable to those we love? Often not. Most times a person desires to be the one and only love in another's life. They are not prepared to share with another, to have their beloved's love subdivided. So we are left at a point where we must choose.
You, on the other hand, refuse to choose, refuse to let go of one side or the other, refuse to acknowledge that in the long term you simply can't have it all. I was at that place for a while, and I understand the difficulty in getting beyond that place. But I will tell you this, it will be better for all parties involved if you finally come to a place where you accept that you aren't going to have it your way in this situation. You may choose the wife or the lover but not both. Search your heart, and your conscience, and your intellect, and make a choice. Make a choice, man, and move forward instead of spinning your wheels in the mud.
Pick one. Then move on with your life.
Or ignore me altogether.
Um........ok........
I'll just stick with hi on this one
That "what if" game is an interesting one. I went through it myself, when an affair culminated in the end of my lover's marriage. I was already single. But when he had the whole world of single women to choose from and not just me, it was a different kind of terror. Would he have to shop around to know it was me he wanted to be with? He did, and it wasn't. True, we are still friends now (no sex for more than a year) and true, he says that it was the issues unique to our situation which kept him from being with me when he had the chance, not "finding someone better." But let's think about this one ... in so many extramarital affairs, people find each other, willing to compromise and make the situation work. You're already trapped in one way, and the freedom of what you have with the other person feels like freedom. But when you compare it to true freedom, true choice, not just the limited selection of people who are willing to help you cheat on your spouse on an ongoing basis and on the terms you want, maybe it's not that much of a choice after all.
What-ifs are always hard.
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