On Vacation

This will be the first time Sara will check for messages and will find none. For almost 10 days. And I left her no indication that I won't be around during this time. It should be interesting to see what happens now. How she will handle my 'disappearance'. I'll let you know when I get back.

Booty Call

After reading Bad Girls post about "bloggers syndrome", I realized I had just been inflicted as well. There was something I proposed to Sara that I wasn't sure I wanted to share on my blog. It's damning evidence that shows that I really don't want this affair to end. It was an affirmation of something I suspected, but I didn't want the scrutiny that might come with it. The idea came to light soon after our phone sex on Monday. My proposal was this:
Whenever she was too stressed and needed the relief only an orgasm will bring her, she is to contact me for phone sex. No talk about anything else. And if that need is for a personal visit, the same thing, She contacts me with a time, and I'll arrange to be there. And once again, no talk about anything else. She said she was very intrigued by the idea, but that its important that only she contact me. So what's new with that?

Do I think that this is something I can live with? Not really. It all depends on the conversation in between and afterwards. A connection needs to remain. But the ups and downs need to go.

She Knows

I don't understand. She has not checked in since she gave me the disappointing news on Tuesday morning. I'm doubting her excuse now that she's disappeared. This was by far the best opportunity for us to end this the right way, and she instead bails on me. Does she know I'm going on vacation? That would fit in perfectly since she has always refused to get together with me until after I come back from one. Her reasoning being that I'm always less attentive to her after one of our rendezvous. And couple that with being on vacation - she doesn't think she exists in my mind during that time period. Although she knows that I always go on spring break, I did mention about a month ago that we wouldn't be going because of money issues. But she also knows, that had never stopped me before. Her common defense against my family or wife-only vacations is to disappear instead. But I'm just not convinced that's whats going on. There is one other explanation. We had a brief exchange of words* via email Monday night where my reply was intented to make her obsess (a little) about the intended meaning behind said reply. Its just a knee jerk reaction - she pisses on me, I piss back. It's very possible she obsessed more than I intended. But I don't regret saying it.

*The exchange was as follows:
Her: "Promise me that you will NOT LEAVE ME ANY E-MAILS! That shows you are weak, vulnerable. Can't stand that...very- not attractive."
My Reply: "lol. if you only knew"
Her Reply: "what exactly does that mean? 'if i only knew'? second thought. don't answer that. i don't want to go there. not today. not tomorrow. not next week."

Maybe2

by now, maybe...

i could have nursed the wounds left by the thorns in the roses i had given you
as i dragged them, around your breasts, down your thighs, up your back
my tongue licking the blood as it trickles down your body.
your legs straining to be released
from the chains. your arms
tied over your head.

i could have intensified the pain
as i lay you down on the bed.
a golden shower cleansing your wounds
lighting a fire in your belly.
as you try to cry out from behind the gag.

love was never so intense
never so painful
yet never wanted so much.
never desired, never needed
so much. could have been.
but someday.

Maybe

Maybe.....

you could have already had the hardest fuck of your life.
your aching pussy being kissed and licked to soothe the pulsating pain afterwards.
a plug filling your ass keeping in the hot cum left by my raw cock.

you could have been tied up against the door as i fucked you deep with your new dildo.
tongue halfway down your throat.
hand twisting the pins i had clamped on your hard, red, nipples.

maybe. but not today.
but someday.

you could have had my cock deep down your throat already.
working those beads deep up my ass.
waiting for word of my impending explosion.
so you can rip them out.
and swallow every drop that gushes down the back of your throat.

you could have. but not today.
today i'm wiping that cum off my stomach.
wasted again as i can still only wonder.
of what could have been.
today.

Fallen Through

The perfect plan has come apart, I just got the word. Sara's husband has been on jury duty, but only on Mondays and Tuesdays. Last night he had informed her that he also has to check in this Wednesday*. Thursday is not an option for us. There goes an absolutely perfect opportunity. I am so disappointed. And now I've got to somehow deal with going away on vacation next week without disturbing this good balance we have right now. Impossible. Absolutely impossible. I need another plan.

Added Note: Also was updated on her husband quitting his job. He had given them 3 months notice so that he can see a project to its completion. However, he intends to use up all his vacation time as well.

*2nd Added Note: If husband has jury duty, that creates the possibility he might be home when she gets home. Not a good thing. She'll be an obvious nervous wreck.

Right Place

It went very well. After we both came, we just listened to each other breathing until we both were relaxed. We then said bye and hung up. Sometimes the best communication is none at all. If it goes this well on Wednesday I will be in the right place to do my part in walking away. Some might ask how that's possible after having mindblowingly awesome sex. I can't explain it either, just that it doesn't happen enough to be addictive. Sara is what is addictive.

Phone Sex

This morning I received my first message from Sara since the F.U. message last week.

Phone sex. 11:00. talk about nothing else.

This could be in response to instructions that I had just left her. On Wednesday I want her to put in an anal plug while she got ready to meet me, and to keep it in until I take it out. The thought of that might have prompted her need for an orgasm today. I still can push the right buttons.

Thinking

After thinking over the weekend about the last few posts that are here I realize I should never have gone there. It's not my intention to convince anybody of anything. But that's what it seemed I was trying to do. A lot of these details are private to Sara and me, and even though I'm hiding behind some anonymity, I still feel like I should keep her actions and feelings private. Same goes for the personal feelings that were shared to me by my special reader. Although she allowed me to post them, I shouldn't have. But I also realize, without those details, things would even be more confusing than they are. And I thank all who have commented or emailed me their thoughts, but for the few who have their own blog, please realize your situation, to most of us readers, contain no less drama. And like some of your blogs, mine contains only a very small snippet of my real life. This is only a half hour tv show in my daily routine. I'm spending more time bloggin about it then actually experiencing it. Although, I have to admit, some days it does become a mini-series.

As to my special reader, yes, she is telling me things that I want to hear. But there is not one thing she has told me that Sara hasn't already shared at least once to me over the course of time. There is no doubt in my mind however, that Sara is trying to deny our past. And the reason is simple to me - it is the only way she can move on. But I will be the first to admit, and realize, that feelings can change and that it is very possible she really has fallen out of love with me. I will know it when I look into her eyes on Wednesday.

No Drama Here

I've done a cut and paste of several comments that my 'special reader' has sent me regarding how similar things are between her and Sara.

Our breakups prior to this one were always because I wanted them. I'd tell him I needed a break, or that I was better than being someone he'd 'kill time' with. Sometimes I'd throw myself a pity party because I loved him and wanted to be with him ,but knew we couldn't so I'd decide to stop torturing myself and end the relationship. But hell....did I miss him...just about more than any damn thing. Is this terribly hard. Well, pardon the language..but FUCK Yes it's hard. There are many parts of me that would rather hate him right now..than feel all the things that I am. If I had just one dime for every time I asked him about all his 'other'
girls and he would tell me that there were none---i could probably be living in the Caribbean right now. I wonder if that's just part of having an affair.....always wondering if you're just one of many...one in the line until the next comes along. But like you guys..we've been doing this for years so you think i'd get the hint. I definately have more of an issue of his faithfulness. But how stupid is that. It's like when we first started. I had all these 'rules' in my head. He never enforced them or even mentioned any such thing. I had decided that there'd be no mention of love, no feelings, no emotional involvement. Just fucking. Even if it was cyber/phone fucking...that was all that it would be. That way when he dropped me for the 'other' girl, the one who was prettier, or better, or dare i say sluttier---then I wouldn't be hurt.

Then time passed and I showed him sides of myself that I swore I wouldn't. I cried to him, I allowed myself to get mad at him. And of course I fell in love. So now...the idea of there being another girl hurts so much. And I hate that. Your sentence about letting her hear your voice and the walls would crumble...in fact your whole e-mail--once again also mirrors us. Like you guys...everytime I opened up to him--well, not me opening--him prying me open. It felt so good--even though sometimes the things he would say would sting a little to get me to be honest with myself--but after that I'd always pull back. Want to just 'fuck' instead of the philisophical debates. Get him to crawl out of my head and into my body for a bit. If that makes sense either?

So...here I sit wondering if he'll e-mail me tonight. It's a damn rollercoaster ride right now that takes more of my attention than I should give it. Yet at the same time I'm enjoying the high. So, it's my own damn fault. After reading that your Sara has told you the same things i'm not sure whether i feel better that i'm not alone, or feel bad for her because i know how she feels. When I've left it's usually me writing this e-mail at 3am saying i can't do this anymore. and then giving him whatever reason i have and then going. And he will not usually persue me. He will usually write one e-mail reminding me that if/when i'm ready to come back he'll be there and if i need anything just to mail him and he'll be there. So when i go back i have to fight with my own guilt and demons to come back. I think that her knowing that you'll always be there, that you've told her that, absolutely allows her to 'leave' without actually leaving. As for her never opening up...it took me a long time to allow C to hear me cry and to see me cry. It was also awhile into our relationship before I would get angry at him. I kept my real emotions back. It had to do with the 'rules'. If I didn't open up to him...then I wouldn't fall in love with him..and it would be that much easier when he finally ditched me for good. THAT didn't work. lol.

You know...she wants to know that you're thinking about her and what you're thinking. I bet it has been soo hard for her to hold strong for this long. Maybe she was really trying this time, but when you love someone-- you can't just shut it off. i wanted--to shut it off. to have no feelings for him anymore. but you can't. and neither can she. at least i don't see how she could. now i wonder if she's fighting with herself over whether or not to mail you...the back and forth...you want to so much and yet you don't. you're going to be strong...but in the end i always just said fuck it. life is too damn short and he makes me feel too damn good. oh...and the deal with her transferring her anger to her----I do that a LOT with him. anytime he's hurt me even without realizing that he's hurt me----I WILL try to hurt him back. She has to be a mess inside too. Trust me that you're not the only one hurting in that relationship. But maybe it's time to make it a little harder for her to come back? or maybe it is time to end it. But damn, that's easy for me to say isn't it? lol.

we don't differ that much. If I was ready to be done with him for good---the only way i could do it and not come running back would be if he did tell me there was someone else. And our last phone conversation-- I bawled and begged him to tell me there was someone else. How's that for nuts? And his answer was...is that really what you want me to say? because even if i did say that to you right now you wouldn't believe me. You asked why she gets hurt hearing anything that might relate back to your wife. I can't tell you why it hurts so much except that...I'm a woman. I think differently. I know that he's climbing into bed with her, kissing her goodbye every morning. She gets to rub her hand across the back of his neck. She gets the feel of his hand on her lower back when he opens a door for her and ushers her through. I know all this already. My mind does not need any fuel for the fire. I do not need any help picturing what goes on. And sometimes it does feel exactly like he's choosing her...every single time he can't get back online to chat, or they go out for a family outing on a Sat. It doesn't make sense. I know that he'd never leave her, that was never suggested or insinuated, nor am I 100% sure I'd leave my husband--at all. But it still stings to think of his hands roaming all over her--when i want it to be me that he puts to bed every night.

As far as why she's saying the things she's saying now. okay..this is just my opinion, but i did the same thing awhile back.... she's lying to you and trying to do it in her best 'believable' way. the "if I say this bluntly with an edge to it he will believe me and go away" way of saying things. And if i stated the things that I wanted to believe and wanted him to believe in a way that sounded truthful and honest then maybe i'd believe them myself. Just my opinion. but i've done it several times before myself.

Denial

I'm getting the impression that many of you think I'm the one in denial. Yes, I know that's possible, but if so, I've been in denial since the first month we met. These comments she is making is nothing new. Yet I fall for it everytime - because I realize feelings can eventually change. So this might actually be the first time she really means it. Only time will tell. But I must admit that I have a very special reader out there that sees herself in Sara. Without exception. Everything I've written about Sara, and more importantly, everything I haven't written about Sara has been described back to me - in detail. And because of that, this woman now knows that there is at least one other person out there who deals with things the same way. Rides the same emotional rollercoaster of desires, frustrations, euphoria, melancholy, specialness, jealousy, wanting and hating.

And I don't know for certain if Kayten is correct in her previous comment. Yes, she's a stay at home mom with 4 kids. She married her husband for the financial security, dumping the guy she loved because she saw an unsecure future with him. In the first year of our affair her marriage became really rocky. She wanted out but I could not provide her an out. I suggested she see her old boyfriend (since he was still single) to find out if she still had doubts about her decision to drop him. She came back with a renewed sense that she made the right decision, and actually blamed me for having lost all feelings for him.

On Wednesday I'll know so much more.

Perplexed

From some emails sent to me, I've come to realize that some of you might be taken aback by my audacity to question Sara's feelings. Who better to know one's feelings than oneself. True. To an extent. Sara has done this several times before - try to have her mind convince her heart how to feel. This is a defense mechanism that she uses, and admits to it at times. I just needed to hear her explain away an incident we had together a little while back, to realize what she's doing. This particular incident was a very emotional, exhilirating, passionate, but no sex involved, time we spent together. We started out like a couple teenagers running around a hotel at 2 in the morning looking for a place to fuck. It ended with an outpouring of insight and emotions that she has never let go of before. She cried as she asked me if I'd be there for her if we ever got caught. She cried as she asked me how I could love my wife and her as well. She asked for my commitment to never leave her, no matter what. We genuinely took a step deeper into each other's souls. There was absolutely no confusion of emotions that night. But yesterday she completely discounted that night. Her words:

- hampton inn...weight room...hello. do you not remember - nothing happened. if i still cared so deeply for you i wouldn't have turned you down in the suv. they were only excuses. i would have gone for it in the weight room...the elevator. NOT! the comment out in the parking lot....if you would ever leave wife for me. just wanted to hear you say it...see if you could. thought maybe you would realize you couldn't say it & then you'd leave. no such luck.

BTW: This incident occured while we were technically 'seperated'. After this particular evening we saw each other 6 more times in two months. By far the most times we had ever gotten together in such a short period of time. My answer to her question was that I could never leave my kids. But she had my commitment that if anything went wrong, and we got caught, I would stay with her if she desired. The turndown in my SUV was not true. Her wet panties, her grinding into me, her tongue down my throat as she moaned 'no' was not taken advantage of by me. I knew she was trying to resist coming back, but was failing. I just respected her spoken wishes.

So. Anybody think I'm still wrong in my opinion that she is in complete denial?

It's Set

She has now read my answer and everything is set for next Wednesday. There is a very good scenario that can come from this. If things go really well, and by that I mean she has no walls up, and we have our usual awesome sex, I CAN walk away. At least for a couple days. LOL. BUT. Then I leave for a Spring Break vacation to Florida and will be unable to leave her emails and voicemails. And this is the important part - She Does Not Know I'll Be Out of Town. So in affect, I will be gone for 10 days after our 'last' time. If this is really what she wants, she will at least experience it for 10 days. Just a note: I've never NOT left her any emails or voicemails. Ever. She has been the one that had to stay away. Now for the first time she will check and not find anything - for 10 days. By far the hardest days are the first weeks. We will be well on our way.

However. If she insists on setting out to prove to me that there is nothing between us, and there never was for a long time, it will get heated. I'll then proceed to tell her about my family vacation. And then watch her explain away why she gets upset about that. Then it'll become the same old pissing match we've had numerous times before.

What I think will be an even worse case scenario will be if she comes apart, and it becomes a huge emotional distress. She won't want to leave, and she won't want me to leave her. And I don't want to leave her. Then I'll have to tell her about vacation. Kaboom! She will explode.

Sent Her My Response

My response to her:
I'm not sure what gives you the idea that I have any desire to get in bed with you anymore? Those wants and desires were with a person who used to have the same for me. And why would I possibly risk everything on somebody who wants nothing to do with me anymore? But it probably is a good idea to at least have a last talk.

But the thought of finally getting the chance (a shared fantasy of ours) to totally unload all of our aggravations on each other during sex is still very tempting. That would be pretty awesome. I'm not sure you'd be physically capable of handling all I have to unload. But once again, that shared desire was between two people who loved each other. I'll think about it and let you know today.

Her response:
She locked out the email account. I have already opened her new account and this message is waiting for her:

ok. i'll still get a room - more privacy to talk. so bring ur toys, but not any expectations.

Readership

I see that this week I've had a noticable jump in the number of visitors, and more importantly, the number of repeat visitors, to my blog. Seems you've tuned in at the right time as things have gotten pretty interesting. Yesterday, Sara and I had an unexpected exchange of emails. The jist of the exchange was basically me citing examples in our recent past of true signs of emotions from her, and she would counter with an explanation of why it wasn't. Folks, my eyes are really wide open here, and she is in unbelievable denial. I don't intend on analyzing exactly why, but throughout our discussion I always made sure that she understood that I believed what she was saying. I never accused her of being in denial. The shocker came in her last email to me:

F. U.!!
Okay let's do it your way.
But remember, you've always promised you could do it. I expect no less.
Wed. 23 9:45 bring $40 for sitter Wlmrt prkng lt

She wants to get together one last time. For the record, this was only a suggestion I made in passing the last time we tried to split up. Her reference to "you've always promised you could do it", has to do with a time when I mentioned that I was always in that perfect place to walk away after we've gotten together for the day. I never promised I could, only that it felt right. I don't think this is a good idea, but in a way it is, so I'll need to respond back to her. Check back, the day is just beginning.

In Response Again

In response to Kayten's questions and confusion I'll try to bring you up to speed on what Sara was referring to in her last email to me. I told her from now on to only check voicemail* if she cared about me, and wanted some part of me in her life. Because that's what I feel everytime she does check in. I can't imagine she didn't know that's the signal she was putting out all along.

The part about convincing has to do with the few other times she expressed the same feelings. She wished she was more sure about her feelings back then and she wished she did a better job of convincing me that she really didn't love me - 2 years ago already. Keep in mind - after those episodes - she would later admit it was an attempt to push me away - saying she could never stop loving me.

My analysis of her all along has been that she is constantly battling what are real feelings that come from love in your heart, and what are feelings that come from her insecurity. She alluded to those times when she said "The feelings I've been having were analyzed by you. You would tell me how I felt...and turn my feelings into something they weren't."

I don't know if the guilt thing is about the guilt of leading me on, or the guilt of the affair she has constantly struggled with. But she would always bring up guilt, not me.

Her 'defense mechanism' is the wall she would always put up. It was built on insecurities, and whenever I could allay those insecurities, the wall crumbled.

Hope this helps, don't hesitate to ask questions to clear up further. I realize there is much behind all this that you could not possibly be aware of.

*Reminder. The voicemail and email systems we use serve no other purpose. It's strictly for us.

It's Over

Her last message to me:

I guess I have been living a lie. It was never intentional. The feelings I've been having were analyzed by you. You would tell me how I felt...and turn my feelings into something they weren't. I would start to question myself...'maybe he's right'..maybe it is guilt...maybe it is my defense mechanism. It hasn't been fair to you. I realize this now. I'm sorry if it's too late and I've hurt you worse than if I would have been more convincing a year or two ago. -if I had been more sure of myself. When I read your note about the voicemail...really hit home. This isn't fair to you. I don't check for those reasons...I haven't checked for those reasons for a very long time. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Not like this.

That hurts.

In Response

I understand that there is much in our past that I haven't touched on here yet. The important one is that she has said these things before in an attempt to push me away. And it worked, but she still came back. Then at a later date admits that it was a ploy. So that's why its hard to believe that she means what she says. But nevertheless, she is wanting to push me away - for whatever reason - and she is succeeding. That's all there is to this. She is free to leave at anytime. The only variable here is whether I leave her messages to come back to. Regardless of her true feelings, the real fact is that I am a burden to her at this point in her life and I intend to correct that.

More About the Talk

As the conversation settles into my mind, I realize how much of what she said was not believable now. She mentioned that the 'excitement' of an affair isn't there anymore for her. She said it had become more like a marriage - with the same kind of arguments. She said she's never been one to be brutally honest but feels like she must. She said the last time we got together she felt different than the others. And she said the only reason she checks voicemail is because its like going outside for a two minute smoke. And she said all this in a very sincere way. And it sounded believable at the time. But not now. I believe the feeling one gets from the newness of an affair really only lasts for a little time, so I believe the excitement is gone for her. But the reality is that its been gone for me a long time now as well. Once love comes into the picture its a whole different kind of feeling. Its what caused her to cry a few months ago when we had the last conversation on her cellphone before she starts using her new one - with a new number*. Its what causes her to hurt whenever I mention something 'family' related that I've done. It's why she wrote me this a few weeks after the last time we got together:

this last time it hit me harder than I expected.....thinking of you...then like so many times before reality hits..sets in... the end...then you're gone. just like that, you're gone. oh how i must remember that part. the biggest high of my life then just rip it away. ...i feel the sinking sensation that i always feel on those days that follow. i don't want to ever feel those days again. :-(

The 'arguments' aren't any different than they were since the beginning - all based in jealousy and insecurity. I do believe, and I've mentioned it before on this blog, that that is the main core of why she gets miserable when she's here. She can't get past those feelings - ever. But it would be so helpful for the both of us if she'd just admit that.


*For the longest time we were very careful not to use our cellphones but once a few calls were made we became quite careless. We needed to fix that, which included me not knowing her new number.

Good Talk

Just got off the phone with Sara and had a really good talk. Actually I listened a lot. She told me about what's going on, her husband quitting his job, the kids, things they're getting into, things she's getting involved in, etc. etc. The one thing on my mind was what a true burden I have become on her. She never said that in her own words, but in trying to realize how I fit in anymore, I just don't. There's no room for us. This time, for the first time, I told her I'm leaving. And said goodbye.

Searching For An End

Kayten had pointed out in a comment to my previous post that I should rewrite the description of my blog. It's become obvious to her that I'm not attempting to end this affair. Understandably it seems that way, but the reality of it is that I know it must end. I always thought there would be a perfect way to end things between Sara and I. When I started this blog, it was during a time where I found myself wanting to walk away as well. We were both in a good place when it ended at that time, and I finally felt that a 'perfect' ending is possible. But her place wasn't as good as mine and she came back, and with it came all the feelings and emotions. She left twice after that, once without saying a word - not good with me, and the other time she left upset - absolutely not acceptable for me. And with her coming back each time after told me it wasn't sitting well with her either. But now its her birthday and I want it to be special so I intend on making it that way. She still very well might have other plans. She hasn't checked in yet this morning - not surprising though. She still very well might catch herself from coming completely back to me. She still very well might have left again. So you see we are still a work in progress - the end being our goal - and probably will be for some time.

*Edited*
Kayten had pointed out that I might be a little confusing in what I've said. I'm not formulating any plans to end things at this moment. I just want us to get together soon and just escape reality - like we do so well with each other. Once before, our pillow talk involved making that the last time, but it was short lived. Speaking for myself, I was in a good place and felt it would work, but obviously it didn't for her. That subject might very well come up again - as pillow talk.

Shopping

I need help shopping. She has given me her sizes which is also giving me permission to buy her birthday presents. This is a first. I always have surprised her with sexy gifts when we got together, but they were for a purpose. The purpose of that day. She never allowed any other kind of gift and would be very insistant when she told me that. I never could understand why - aside from the fact that it would be tough for her to show up at home with it. But with that thought in mind, it makes it very tough for me to come up with something. Her husband is very aware of her 'going out clothes' because she always involves him in the picking out process. Not that he goes shopping with her, just that she brings home several outfits and he has to chose which one to keep. So those seem off limits. I don't want to buy her everyday clothes - not special enough. Lingerie is always good, intimate, special, and intoxicating. But it's also expected. Not much thought needs to go into that. Jewelery is good, but I don't know if that is a 'suspicious' present that she feels she would need to hide away. Perfume would be nice as well, but so much to choose from. Any suggestions? I really could use your help.

Affair Sex

This is one subject that I never see get touched on in these blogs. I'm not talking about sex between the two having an affair, I'm talking about sex withing their respective marriages. I know with Sara and me its more a don't ask don't tell kind of thing now. We both admit to avoiding sex as much as possible with our spouses, as horrible as that might sound. For me, and I think for her, we do it for each other. In the beginning I wanted details of their 'sessions' because I know (from her telling me) that I was responsible for it getting wild. I got off on that. And it was my justification to her why our 'affair' was a good thing for our marriages. But she hated to know what went on for me. And she especially hated knowing that I also gave my wife orgasms. I guess I understood, and the more that I did, the less I wanted to know about her and her husband as well. It must be a common feeling.

She Called

As expected she had called (and left a message) Saturday night. Nothing tears down her walls faster than a good quantity of alcohol. The call was about 9pm and they had been drinking since 2 that afternoon. And as expected her intention was to make me jealous and worry me. Her g-friend was trying to talk her into fucking a black guy. Apparently her friend has done 5 in a row (over a long period of time) and swears she'll never go back. So that's the trouble she wanted me to know she was getting into. I don't know what happened, we haven't talked yet, but I'm not concerned that she went that far. The teasing and flirting is all she goes for. We did exchange messages most of yesterday, and she's still up for getting together, but this week is not looking good anymore. Her husband quit his job last week so this week will be too confusing to try to arrange something. And what floored me was that she apologized. Just one short sentence worth, but nevertheless she said she was sorry. That's a first for her. She's back - in a new way.

Keypad

I'm staring at the keypad on the phone. I need to get out of here and do something. The phone is only 2 feet away from me. Sara is only 2 feet and 2 seconds away from me. As long as I'm typing something I can't pick up the phone and call her. This is terrible. All I want to do is call her and tell her I'm sorry for calling her. I'm sorry for not leaving her alone. I'm sorry for loving her so much. I'm sorry we can't be together forever. How hard I'm trying not to call her. How hard I'm trying to leave her alone. How hard I'm trying not to love her so much. I just want to tell her how hard I'm trying. Folks, this is how I was before I started blogging. I'd start to 'freak out'. I can't go back to being like that. It's a wonder how few times I would call her when I got like this. Usually I'd find something to distract me long enough for this to pass. There's my coat. Just need to put it on and go outside for a long walk. Give myself time to get back to thinking rational again. But I have to stop typing for that to happen. Freeing my fingers to dial a number. Or to put my coat on. Here goes.


**Note added 5 minutes later**
Oh yeah. Now I remember why I never called her more. I share an office with somebody else and I thought he was gone for the day. Just as I was dialing her number, he walked in. My office is the only place I can call her from. We don't even have a payphone in this building for me to use a calling card. Guess I'll go for that walk now.

Obsessing

Having a hard time today. I guess the longer I don't hear from her, the worse it gets. I'm having doubts now about next Tuesday. If she doesn't check in at all until then, I'm not sure what I'll do. I was never able to find a woman for her so that's not going to be happening. I want to buy her some presents, but I think it'll just add to the hurt if she doesn't show up. Thing is, I don't feel like getting her anything anyway. I know that'll change the second she checks in, but for now, no desire, I'm too pissed. And the problem is I'm extremely limited on when I can get her something. It's coming down to Monday during lunch is my only opportunity now. I'm definately obsessing about her today. In a big way. I want to call her and just tell her to get fucked. I want a pity party.

Yes, I realize that if she shows up, it'll mean that I forced this on her. Created a situation too good, too difficult, for her to pass up. I don't feel great about that, but that feeling will disappear the second her mouth swallows every inch of my cock.

Party Time

Something I haven't been talking about because it seemed so far off, but its here now. Tomorrow night (Saturday) Sara meets up with her g-friends to hit the town. They all live in different cities now so it's tough for them to arrange a time when everybody can make it. Usually only once a year. But when they do, they hit the town with a bang. It concerns me because they get pretty wasted before they even leave the hotel. By the time they go bar hopping they are already in a vulnerable state. I know most guys are decent and won't take (too much) advantage of the situation, but others will. Sara loves to talk about sex when she's drinking. She gets very detailed and will say whatever it takes to get the guys interested in her. It's almost a contest they have with each other to see who gets the most attention. You can see where this leads. I know she really needs more of these blowouts then she gets, but I'm afraid she will do something that she'll regret later. How do I know how wild things get? She calls me when she's out. Of course I'm happy she can still think of me when she's out having fun, but a comment she made to me about a year ago still haunts me. Technically she was gone during this time, but she broke her silence when she called me, to tell me about the hot guy she was flirting with. Her comment was something like this: "One of these times I just might fuck one of them and call you and tell you about it. Maybe that'll piss you off enough to dump me". I think she would. I'll be out with my family Saturday night. I'll be leaving my cell phone at home.

Temptations

What is it about older men that college aged women find so attractive? My gig last night was for a college only type crowd, so I knew I wasn't going find a distraction. It's pretty bad when they start looking too young for me. But there are a few who are quite ready for the real world. And me. LOL. But there was this one in particular that works there. I remember her from the last time I was there, around October, and I remember we had exchanged more than just casual glances. But it was very busy at the time and she wasn't working the late shift. Which brings us back to last night. Things got pretty slow after midnight so we had a chance to sit and talk. It was like we'd known each other for awhile. She was very intelligent, not in what she said, but how she said it. There is no doubt in my mind that she could distract me away from Sara - for a little while. She would look deeply into my eyes while we talked. We both knew there was a real connection - what a feeling that is. But her eyes also ventured to the ring on my finger a few times as well. That's just as well since I was also reminding myself the situation that Bad Girl finds herself in. This woman has a whole life ahead of her, she doesn't need a big complication like me interfering with it. Something I would never have considered had I not become intimate with Bad Girl's plight. It was tough not to give her my email address when she gave me a warm hug just before we left for the night. But I didn't.

Coincidence?

Sometimes it takes me awhile to put two and two together, but it just dawned on me why Sara is never around during holidays or special days. It was one of those things that truly baffled me. I was just thinking what I'd done previously for her birthday and realized only once did I get to see her. And it was two weeks before her birthday so I didn't do anything, figuring it would be a great excuse to get together again. No chance. Whether its her birthday, my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentines Day or Sweetest Day, she's is always gone. Now I figured out why. No expectations, no disappointments. We always knew we could never give each other gifts because of our overly suspicious spouses, so we agreed that giving of each other was always our gifts to one another. But I'm sure it bothers her a lot more than it bothers me, not to receive special gifts.

I'm glad I haven't called her, yet ...... but I wish I did.

Knowing What I Know

This really isn't a game although to some of you it may seem that way. Deep down I feel she came back on Monday because things weren't going too well at home. That's why I'm not calling her. If it still was like that she would have checked in again by now. I don't want to take advantage of that kind of situation. I don't want to take advantage of any kind of situation for that matter. For the longest time I felt I really knew her, but there were those things she would do, or not do, or say, or not say, that still would baffle me. Over the last month or so I've come to understand those things as well. But I also know Sara well enough to know she doesn't want me to know her so well. And I'm also very much aware now that she definately does not want me to understand her feelings through the insights of another woman. Duh! I make such dumb mistakes in my attempts to help things.

I will be with her next Tuesday. One of the voice messages I left her that she heard had set the time and date. She has plenty of time to get a babysitter, visit the salon, get her nails done, eyebrows plucked, tan her body, lose gawd knows what weight she feels she needs to lose, and my favorite, clean all her holes. (Her words, not mine.) How do I know she'll show up? I don't. But I do. And she might very well be playing out the scenario she attempts each time we plan on getting together. No communication beforehand. I don't know if it's because she's afraid I'll say something stupid and ruin things, or she'll just lose her nerve. I'm not sure. But no doubt it'll be a long, painful, two hour ride home if I don't get to see her,
kiss her
touch her
gently fuck her.

I Won't Call

For some reason I'm not going to call her unless she checks in again - soon. Usually when she checks in twice in one day - like this past Monday, it's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that she wants to be back in and I feel it's ok to call her. Which is my way of letting her back in. But something in me wanted her here on Tuesday as well. No luck. Now Wednesday might pass without her which puts me back where I started. Is it possible I'm now looking for excuses NOT to call her? Or am I just changing the rules governing how much she needs to give before I let her back?

Oh My

As I walked to the bedroom doorway she saw me and covered her naked body with her arms. I smiled a little at her embarassment as I proceeded to ask her a few insignificant questions before I headed out to the pool. After a minute or so, she relaxed, and not wanting to appear ashamed or embarassed, she lowered her arms to her side. I had trouble keeping my eyes from wandering up and down her beautiful body, from her perfect medium sized breasts to her trimmed, but very bushy, vagina area and then back again. I noticed her eyes fixate on the buldge that was growing in my swimtrunks but her eyes quickly shot back up to my eyes. She had now become extremely embarassed and turned to walk back into the bathroom that was just off the bedroom. Just as I turned to walk out she called back to me, appearing before me in all her nakedness, with a fresh towel in her hand. Before I reached for the towel, I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. "Can I touch them?" I asked. She looked down and without saying a word watched as my hand slowly made its way to her nipple and then gently feel the underside of her breast. She did not look up as my other hand did the same to her other breast as now my thumbs were gently caressing her nipples. She dropped her arm down as the towel fell from her fingers, and now watched as my hand was finding its way down into her bush and my fingers searched for her pussy. My fingertips felt a wetness but I wasn't sure if wasn't just from the shower she had just taken. Without taking my fingers out of her pussy, I walked around her so I could work them in deeper, my other hand cupping her breast, finger teasing her hard nipple. She walked slowly, not wanting to disengage, to the bed and with one knee, then the other, she climbed up on it. I was now hunched over her, my fingers never leaving her pussy, my hand still caressing her breast. But now she felt every bit of my bulge up against her ass as she started to rock back and forth up against me. My fingers, now three of them, dove deeper as I curled them up and to the front as I massaged her pussy, the heel of my hand massages her clit. The grinding got more intense as I heard a slight moan come from her lips. As the grinding increased, her moans became more vocal, and I found myself ready to explode. I didn't want to stop her pleasure, so I tried to stop mine, but it was too late. Being at the point of no return I slammed my bulge up against her ass as I humped her to my climax. Her's as well as I felt a rush of warmth in my hand as she came into it. Soon after, she collapsed onto the bed as I climbed off of her. As I turned to walk away she reminded me not to forget my towel. "Thanks mom", I said.

Unburdening the Guilt

A subject that I've found that never really gets addressed on the infidelity blogs - but gets mentioned - is the subject of confessing one's infidelity. Does anybody think this is a good idea? Has anybody ever entertained this idea? I think it's a terribly misguided one. Sure one needs to be honest and open in a relationship for it to remain healthy, but isn't this just creating a wound that will never properly heal? Is there a person in this world that can truly forgive a cheating spouse? Now, I'm all for using a little white lie and confessing thoughts of infidelity in order to get a message across. But never should one EVER think confessing the act could possibly aid in the repair process of a relationship. Anybody disagree?

Came and Went

Well #2000 came and went without a word from anybody claiming to be the winner. I guess pizza coupons aren't a worthy prize. No doubt if Kayten had taken me up on my offer there would have been many many people claiming to be the winner.

Sara checked messages again last night so I guess that's my signal to call her today. Should I or shouldn't I bring up the blog friends? I know that's in the back of her mind, is it better left there? But I want phone sex, and she has to be needing it as well. So there it will stay. We have not seen each other since back in September, and the last phone sex was sometime in December. But I still have plans on meeting up with her next week. I've given her a time and place but she has yet to confirm. Should I forego the phone sex and just plan on a big explosion to occur next week? Or rather do I need to tempt her of things yet to cum?

2000

Hit number 2000 is gonna happen today or tomorrow. The counter is at the very bottom of this page. I guess I could offer another half naked picture of me to the winner, but I'm pretty sure the guys would not care to see that. Possibly the women don't care to either. Maybe since Kayten won the last time she would be kind enough to offer up a naked picture of herself for the winner. Oh. An idea is coming together in my head now. Maybe the condition for a winner to collect his or her prize, they must first submit a picture for me to use the next time. Okay? Kayten?

Checked In

Sara retreived voicemail this morning. But predictably didn't leave anything. That must mean she had a pretty rough weekend. Good weekends with the family gives her the resolve to stay away, but with 4 kids under 6 yrs of age and a husband that doesn' help much with them, those are few and far between. Weekends. Weekends are very tough times for the 'other' woman. The knowlege that your lover is spending every minute with their spouse, for two whole days. Reconnecting bonds broken during the busy week. Planning things to do together. It took me a long time to understand why Sara was such a bitch on Mondays. In fact Mondays were by far the most common day that she would leave me. I learned not to engage in too much conversation with her on those days. But in reality it didn't matter how I handled Mondays. I'd always start out in a hole and have to dig my way out of it.

Zero

Had two bartending gigs over the weekend so I was determined to make some connections. Came away with nothing. They were all too young and single. Young and married is okay, and older and single is okay, but young and single is not. I did have an older one really hot on me. She was blond, big boobs, about 40ish. A true MILF. But she was scary. She would give me the evil eye if I looked anywhere else but at her. Can you say Fatal Attraction? LOL. But I could pretty much predict that I will always have an excuse. Following up on the serious flirting means I have to make the decision to move on from Sara. Frankly these women don't stand a chance being compared to her. See. More excuses.

Sorting It Out

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, and sort through my feelings. But I was getting way too wordy and it wasn't heading me to any sensible conclusion. Bottom line is that it is the worst when she leaves because she is upset with me. No doubt about that. When I started this blog a month ago I think it was obvious that I was handling the latest breakup very well. I had the insight from other bloggers to help me finally make some sense out of Sara's actions. Then she came back - and a day later she was gone again. And left me with the sounds of her tears in my head for many, many days after. But she came back again - and I walked on egg shells as I tried to figure out why. As I directed my questions toward that goal, she asked how I was doing. I told her.
I told her it was hard not calling.
I told her it was because she was crying in my head and I didn't know why.
I told her I felt I let her down because I didn't try to console her.
She commented that I will never be happy with the way we leave things.
I said - not so.
I told her that the time before last I actually found myself walking the other way.
I told her it was because we had talked, knowing it was our last talk, and I could hear that we were in a good place.
And I also told her how my corresponding with a few bloggers helped immensely as well.
bang.
It was a silent shot to her heart. Betrayal she thought. Other women. Jealousy. It probably only got worse in her mind thru the night. When I called her that next day she was not there anymore.
She read me the riot act.
She was upset and was finished with me.
She told me I don't love her.
That I'm cheating on her.
BANG!!
That was a shot to my heart.

And thats what I'm left with.

Once Again

Once again she was back for a day and then gone. What is becoming apparent to me - finally - is why (she says) she is more miserable when she's here then when she's gone. She makes herself miserable with jealousy. She hates to know I've exchanged a few emails with many of you. She hates when I have my gigs on the weekend. She hates to know that come spring break I'll probably be on a vacation with my family. And she hates knowing that only I can make her orgasm - computer, phone, in person. When she goes away she can bury these thoughts and the feelings that go with them. And is left only with her sense of longing for me. I think that is the only time she can truly see and believe just how much I love her.

Pissed

She is pissed at me. She locked out the email account which is her way of telling me so. I just called her and she won't tell me what the problem is, just that how 'dare' I ask her why she's pissed. Tells me she doesn't want anything to do with what I'm planning, and to leave her alone. She's obviously still pissed about the blog world and used last night to really work herself up about it. I can't tell you how much more painful it is for me when she leaves so upset. My stomach is in knots. And it didn't help things that I accidentally disconnected us while she was in a rant. Fortunately though she answered my return call so I was able to let her know I didn't hang up on her. But that was it, she said bye and hung up. So she's gone again. Why does she torture me so much? Why do I torture her so much? Sigh.

Her Comments

Some of her more interesting comments she made to me during our phone conversation:

"I keep telling myself you're not worth it, and you prove it everytime I come back."

"You belittle your wife telling her she's nuts whenever she suspects something and then expect me to believe the same thing about you and those other women?"

And my favorite:
"I'm riding my husband a little harder now and he's almost able to make me orgasm."

I understand she made these comments to send some of the hurt back my way, but in between these comments were other comments like:

"I can't believe how wet I'm getting just talking to you."

"Some what's my birthday present going to be? Or should I ask - WHO's it going to be? Knowing you, you probably are going to an escort service."

She came to this thinking when she sensed how excited I was about her previous comments a couple months ago. As a matter of fact that was initially where I was going for a woman. But I didn't get any responses to emails I sent to them, and I'm sure the fee would have been a tad to much. Does she know me or what? :)

Damned If I Do

.....and damned if I don't. That's been my whole existance with Sara. Just talked with her on the phone and all was good. She asked how I was holding up and I mentioned how this blog world has been a real help in keeping me from dragging her back. She kept asking questions, and the more she asked the more it became obvious to me that she was pissed. I mentioned how I'd discuss us with other people, but I didn't dare mention this blog.* I told her she didn't need to be jealous of me chatting with other woman, but she said it wasn't jealousy, it was betrayal. Wow. Never thought about that. Am I betraying her by airing our dirty laundry - even if under the guise of anonymity?

*So if this blog disappears suddenly, its to keep her from finding it.

A Message

Sara left a message for me late yesterday afternoon, but before I had a chance to retrieve it she had deleted it. Probably a good thing - it must not have been a nice one. That's actually why I hesitated to listen to it right away, I want to give her a chance to have second thoughts about what she might have said. Like I mentioned before, even though she comes back on her own, its still my fault. I accept the blame willingly. But it's at a time like this when I'm so glad I hadn't called her.

Checked In

After almost 2 weeks she finally listened to her voicemail. But no reply, so this Friday will be 3 weeks since I last heard her voice. Her birthday is coming up and I've been trying to plan something for a couple months now, but I keep dropping the plans when she leaves. I've decided to continue with plans and then call her with the time and place. Her present is going to be difficult to attain. Or should I say arrange. Over the years the discussion has come up briefly about doing a 3-way. She would bring it up and it seemed obvious she wanted it for me. I kept declining because frankly, I don't want to deal with the overmath when she thinks I was more into the other woman than her. LOL. But I also don't want to share time with her since we have so little in the first place. So, a few months ago I was kidding her about licking pussy, which I've kidded her about other times as well, but this time she replied back "Okay". I was floored but not convinced. Off to another subject I sent her a small video clip of something I wanted her to do for me. A woman had a glass butt plug up her ass and was crawling away very erotically. When I saw that I almost creamed so I sent her the clip. Her response: "Ohhh, yeah. I want to do that for you, and I want somebody to do that for us". She's definately curious now. Of course I'm not sure if its something new, or that's why she kept bringing it up the 3-ways. So, to get waaay back to her birthday - that's what I want to get her. Another woman.