Why?

It seems to be a reoccurring question I get asked. Why do I settle. Why won't I walk away from Sara. Why don't I walk away from my wife. Why do I choose to inflict pain and suffering upon Sara. Why do I choose to inflict pain and suffering on my family. Why ..... Why ..... Why .....? There is no simple answer because each particular question has a particular answer. And to be perfectly blunt - I don't care. I know what I feel. I know what I want. I know what I can live with. I know what I can't live without. I've never been a 'grass is greener on the other side' type of person. I know there are pitfalls and drawbacks to every relationship, so I won't pretend that Sara and I wouldn't have our share. (My apologies for continuing with the 'grass' scenario), I totally agree that if the grass on your side is brown and dead, anything on the other side is a definate improvement and you need to go for that. But the grass is green on my side. A few bare spots, but nice nonetheless. And there is no doubt that to lots of other people, I'm on that 'other side'. So why can't I be happy with that? I don't know. Things would be so much simpler if I could be. But that's not in my nature to leave well enough alone.

The one question I'm always happy to answer though is "Why Sara?" If you ever meet, or have met, that one person whom you want to climb inside their body just so you can get as close as possible to them, you'll understand. 5 years later, Sara still has that affect on me. My heart is still totally in her hands. As poetic as that sounds, it's actually the best way to describe the hold she has on me. The warmth I feel inside when I'm with her feels just as if her hands were warming my heart. And the pain I feel inside when she's gone is no different than if she was squeezing it herself.

Dino Sings

My alltime favorite crooner, Dean Martin.

Oh let me go
Let me go
Let me go lover
Let me be, set me free from your spell
You made me weak, cut me deep, I can't sleep lover
I was cursed from the first day I fell

You don't want me
But you want me to go on wanting you
How I pray that you will say that we are through

Please turn me loose
What's the use
Let me go lover
Let me go .....

I think its those lyrics I put in bold that affected me the most. It's been her mantra for several years, yet I could never convince her that that was never true. And it still hurts me to think she continues to believe that. And I'm sure that's what she reminds herself whenever she thinks about possibly coming back.

A Month?

Has it really been two weeks since I posted last? Doesn't seem that long. However it's been a month since Sara left, and it seems like an eternity. Go figure. I finally opened the account again. Yeah, I know, what the hell am I thinking. I think I did because I'm just bored, and I think she is as well, and hell, I miss her. But a very dear friend of mine knows me enough to know its more than that. She has always sympathized with Sara, yet would also be angry with her because she could never accept what I was able to offer. She knows I reopened that account because I love her too much to let her go. That my persistance in finding that compromise is what's driving me. And that I'm just to damn stubborn to quit.

The way I'm looking at it right now, if Sara comes back, that's her problem to deal with. If she doesn't, it becomes mine.