You Knew I Would.

Well, after flip-flopping back and forth on whether to call Sara, I finally did. She hasn't attempted to check email, or visit the website for a month now. A big part of me wanted not to call, but I was so concerned I hurt her with something I said, I had to. Anyway, we both knew I was eventually going to call, so might as well get it over with.

Can't say it makes me feel any better though - although she sounded fine, she was distant, as expected. When I asked her why she hung up on me, she said she finally heard me say the same things she's been trying to convince herself of. And so hearing me say it, she said, gave her what she needed to run with. I do believe that, but I'm sure she didn't make that decision at that moment. I know it hurt her badly to hear it, there's no other reason for her to hang up abruptly like that, and the hurt is what gave her the opportunity to run with it. It helped her build the wall she needed. Of course, she's used hurt to build that wall many times. But aside from the 3 months she was gone thru the holidays - the result of a mutual goodbye - this is far longer than any other time. Of course, as most always in the past, I don't expect her to come back.

Just think. This all came about when she pushed a new button last time. She told me the reason she was concerned about meeting with me (to discuss our relationship), was that she was afraid she'd convince me to run away. That it was my reluctance that has shielded her from uprooting her family. So, I thought I'd alleviate that concern by convincing her why she couldn't talk me into it. Little did I know what I'd be doing. I guess it makes no difference that I never believed any of the things I told her. But it was reality. Oddly. As much as I've always realized and could see the reality, it's the one thing I consistantly refused to let sink in thru all of this.

More Thinking Out Loud.

I have started wondering recently if those 'doubts' she'd profess to have were always merely buttons she pushed to get me to say the things she wanted to hear. And I'm almost certain now that all those times she kept denying she wanted us to be together - listing all the negatives - was once again pushing a button that got me started telling her all the wonderful things she wanted to hear. But I'm really curious to know. Was this subconscience on her part, or has she trained me well?

Thinking Out Loud.

I'm really struggling with this. I want to let her be, and if she is to come back, it has to be on her own. But sometimes I get tired of being the passive one. Laying back and waiting for her. I have every right to call her and ask why she hung up on me. But I keep telling myself it really doesn't matter why. But it does.

I can't let this go. Every day that goes by, my need to know increases. I keep telling myself I'm just looking for an excuse to call her. But I'm not buying it. I really need to know. And I think the reason just goes back to how protective I've always been with her. I don't want her to hurt. And I know whatever I said has hurt her deeply. Yes, I know she's now using that hurt to fuel her resolve to stay away for good. And yes I know that's probably best for her in the long run. Doesn't matter. Every relationship that ends badly remains as a sore that never heals. I DON'T want to be a sore.

She has left no doubt in my mind how she feels about me, but unfortunately I continuely have left doubts in her mind. And that bothers me. Although I now know its impossible to accomplish - I always tried to make sure she never had those doubts. But she has now used 'leaving my family' as a benchmark, and I failed. And common sense tells me that benchmark will constantly change, so it is impossible. Yet I will continue to try.

Still Quiet

Nothing. Although I've come to realize that I can never make her happy, even if we were together, I'm still stuck on needing to know why she hung up on me. In the past, whenever I'd say things that she didn't want to hear, she always quickly, and obviously, changed the subject. Why hang up this time?

A short while back I created a website for her to visit from time to time. Here I would tell her things and at times post pictures for her. She could get her 'fix' of me, without fearing she'd fall into the vicious, endless chain of emails we always find ourselves in. (Keep in mind, even now it could be 20 to 30 emails a day, every day). She really enjoyed it, and I felt it was helping her to accept and enjoy the 'good' we can provide each other. Well, during that last conversation I mentioned that if we were together, I hope she didn't expect I could continue that website. This really bothered her. She asked why not. It was during my explanation of why she couldn't reasonably expect that, as well as other things, that she fell silent. Not much longer after that, she hung up.

That's when I realized it would be a fulltime endeavor just trying to keep her happy. Oddly enough, I would still accept the challenge. No doubt it would be an explosive relationship, after all we're both very stubborn, but it would also be full of explosive passion. It would be an interesting relationship - but probably not a good environment for kids to grow up in.

Quiet

Unlike the other lulls between my posts, this time she has remained quiet as well. I never closed the email account again but she's managed to stay away for over a week. And unlike the last few times she left, this time she left me with that damned "what happened?" question lurking around in my skull again. I realize it doesn't matter what she heard that caused her to hang up on me, but it nevertheless has my curiousity peaked. What was news to her?

Looking back at our last few conversations I remembered how she always took the angle of 'I don't even want an us' type attitude, which always prompted me to convince her how wonderful an us would be. I'm guessing that did two things - she'd hear things she wanted to hear, and I'd give her enough hope that there actually will be an us. Both of those being reasons why she never went far, and why we had that conversation so often these past several weeks.

Which brings us to our last conversation. I obviously said some things that ran counter to everything I'd had said previously. Things I was certain she had considered as well. Maybe she did, but didn't want to hear it coming from me. I certainly don't regret anything I said.

As is most always the case, I don't expect her to come back.

Click.

Although I haven't written much, its not because there hasn't been alot to write about. Sara has come and gone a few more times since the last time I posted, but it's pretty much the same way as the few previous times. Except this last time. She hung up on me. Not in anger - I don't think. When we got around to the 'us' part of the conversation, she told me why she was afraid to get together to discuss a future. She told me she was afraid she'd talk me into it. Well, of course, I had to prove her wrong and told her my reasons why I felt a future together would be impossible. As I talked, she listened without saying a word. Then I heard the 'click'. Apparently she didn't like what I was saying.

Earlier in the conversation I commented to her that it would be humanly impossible for me to expend as much time and energy into her if we were actually married. I (half kiddingly) told her it was a fulltime job already and we were far from being a fulltime couple. This came as a shock to her. Which then shocked me. How could she realistically expect that? I pretty much feel like I put my life on hold when she comes around so that I can give her as much of my attention as possible. I choose to do this, and enjoy doing it. But as I mentioned, it would be unrealistic to expect that kind of attention 24/7. But I believe now that's what she wants, or requires, to be happy.

So I guess I've given her a lot to think about now. Things she probably refused to think about otherwise. Reality really can suck.