Nothing Much

I've got nothing much to say. I'm still in the same place I was last week and haven't waivered any since then. I still long for her but its a good feeling - for now.

I had wanted to address the issues of affairs but I seemed to have forgotten why. But since I mentioned that I had had two previous affairs, I guess I could at least synopsize them. The first was with a married woman I worked with, or rather worked in the same part of the building as me. I wasn't looking for it, but we became close over time and things took the obvious course. But it never went past the heavy petting stage, and never extended outside the workplace. When things seemed like they were heading that way, I freaked and ran. Disappeared as much as I could considering the situation. I didn't say more than 10 words to her afterwards and looking back now, I was an asshole.

But the thrill of having that 'second' life never left me. Less than a year later, another woman moved into my office. Her name was Monica. She was married as well. I did set my sights on her. Within a couple weeks we became good friends and we both put out enough signals that we wanted to take this farther. And we did. She was perfect. Looks of a model, but a personality like 'one of the guys'. She was the party-type, but still exuded a lot of class. I didn't realize it at that time but looking back at the relationship we could pretty much call ourselves fuck buddies. We never let it spill outside of the workplace/time environment. It was the perfect situation. I was still with her when I met Sara. I wasn't looking for another affair - I was in the perfect one already. But it was too late because I had already fallen for her. With Monica, we always told of our exploits over the past weekend, and so I told her about Sara. Not that I had fallen for her, only just what had gone on. But she must of have seen it in my eyes, and considering our emails starting falling off between us, she decided to dump me. I realized then that she had a more emotional attachment to me than she had let on, and I felt bad that I didn't see it. I probably would have responded in kind. I apologized to her for being so insensitive and asked her to reconsider. I told her I needed her to keep me from getting dragged in deeper with Sara. Yeah, I really did say that. I meant it in the most sincere, and flattering way, but boy was that a dumb thing to say.
*** side note - I hadn't had the benefit of insider knowledge from you woman bloggers yet, so be a little more understanding. ;) ***
We're still friends, in fact she sits just 50 feet away from me, and to this day she still gives out signals that she wants to try again. But I just follow her lead, and each time it's straight into a closed door. To this day I'm still wanting her to keep me from getting dragged in too deep with Sara.

So much for not having much to say.

Much Better.

Well, as you can tell from my previous post, something snapped. And from the condition I was in, I was really dreading the long ride home I had in front of me. As busy as I try to be, there's not much to occupy your mind when you're on a long drive. And my cellphone was going to be the enemy. I even thought about leaving it behind at work so that I wouldn't do anything stupid. Instead I just put it in the trunk and hit the road. An odd thing happened. I smiled the whole way home. And not the kind of smile you would see on a crazed person, lol. All of the nice things Sara's said to me in our last few conversations (as well as emails) all surfaced at once. Totally out of the blue. It was the damndest thing. She was the last person I intended to have on my mind at that time. But I've been here before. I just need to stay here.

Simple

I was in the process of writing a post that would help me view things from Sara's perspective. Fuck it. Its this simple. I'm the cause of our heartaches. She's willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for us to be together. I'm not. I want to reach some middle ground. She doesn't. No amount of understanding will change the fact that my heart breaks when I realize I will never be with her again. The knowledge that I can fix it by leaving my family doesn't ease the ache by any means. The fact that if she did come back it still won't end the cycle of heartaches - and that makes no difference to me. The reality is that if we did see each other again, nothing will have changed and we'll still end up where we're at right now. I don't care. Facts are facts. Reality is reality. And the emotions I feel for Sara run way too deep to just 'let it go'. I'm beginning to feel the desperation she felt when she wanted to just tell her husband about us so all this would end. For better or for worse. Anything. Anything, has to feel better than this.

Except, maybe, watching the devastation afterwards. Shit.

I Did.

I called her. I was certain it was the right thing to do, and it was. She sincerely thanked me for promising her that any calls were not going to come from me, and agreed that she would have blamed those type of calls on me. She was warm and friendly but didn't let on that anything was going to change. Although I was not looking for an open door, the feelings I had afterwards told me I was. She was not upset that I called but later she did think to tell me that her husband is working weird hours and can be home anytime of the day. I asked her (jokingly) if that meant I was to wait for her to tell me when to call. Her laugh pretty much told me that wasn't the case. I honestly had no hidden agenda or expectations when I called her, but obviously some were going to be there anyway. My joy in talking to her turned south pretty quickly and sadness overtook me. I knew that was the risk, in fact I was sure it was going to happen, but I'm glad I helped ease a possible concern of hers. I'll deal with my sadness and maybe it is just what I need to move on now.

Assurance

(This is a continuation of my earlier post today.)
So just where am I going with my previous comments? First off, as a reminder to some, and an update to others, anytime I seem to presume I know what Sara is thinking comes from the fact that she has told me (in past situations) what she was thinking. Yes, that could change, and its with that thought in mind that I don't act solely on the basis of what I think she might be thinking. In the past, when she was presumably gone, she still snuck and read emails I would leave her. She did this because it assured her that I hadn't forgotten about her. It was not meant (according to her) as an indication she didn't want to leave. What I never did get her to answer truthfully is what always brought her back. Now I'm only guessing here, but I would think that by leaving her constant indications that I haven't forgotten her has helped her stay silent for long periods of time (up to 6 months). But also provided her a road back to me as well. It's been a month now since she's truly been isolated from me. She has no way of knowing now if I still think about her. This is a position neither of us as ever been in. If only I was a fly on the wall and could watch her expression during a moment she thinks of me, and assure myself she's still in a good place, I could back off. I'm trying to believe that's still the case, and I'm 99% sure of it. It's that damn 1% that's got a hold of me right now.

Achilles

Sara is an amazingly strong woman. She also has the amazing ability to make a decision, and within the course of an hour have it accomplished, or at least well on its way to being accomplished. We could be discussing an (domestic type) issue and while I still think its a topic she will ponder for a little while, I'm blown away when the next time we speak, its been accomplished. This includes the time when she discussed wanting to upgrade her cellphone, and maybe change carriers. She even suggested that she change her number and not give it to me since we had become very careless with our cellphones. Of course my biggest concern at that time was what her husband would think if she did do that. I told her we should think this through. By the next day it was already a done deal. Of course she was grilled by her husband as to why she didn't keep her number. And then a week later, as she used up the last minutes of her old phone, she broke down while talking to me when the realization hit that we'd never again be able to call each other at a whim. Like she was doing at that moment. But I was proud of her for doing this - for us.

Why do I bring this up? It's because it's something that I really admire about her, even though it usually involves leaving me with the short end of the stick. This beautiful, sexy, awesome, amazingly strong woman, is capable of making the tough decisions and acting on it immediately. And I'm her achilles heel. Do you have any idea how good that makes me feel? Do you have any idea what responsibilities that puts on me? Do you have any idea what is involved emotionally in how I deal with her? Just by nature, when you love someone you also become their protector. And I try to accomplish that by providing her comfort, love, support, an emotional outlet.

Now she won't allow me to provide her my protection. For her to be so strong, she told me she had to turn off her emotions. I would never allow that. She knew as well as I did that that wasn't healthy in the long run. Thats why I felt, as her protector, that I could never allow her to walk away devoid of emotion. I felt we finally achieved that when she sent me her last email. I'll reprint it here:

while i was driving around i was able to reflect on the last 4 years. it felt good. i could smile and even laugh when a fun time came to mind. felt good to have emotions about it instead of trying to bury it and pretend it never happened.

another corny thought that came to mind is - you make my body sing. i don't know how else to say it. harmony - my mind & body. i've never been there in my entire life. it's so hard to let go. it's only been four years but i feel like i've known you forever. but i also feel like there's soooo much more i want to know and will never get the opportunity. a knowing that could only be if we were together.

the other thing which is, i guess you can say ironic,that after our phone conversation the other day - i walked away knowing you truly love me. after 4 years you've finally convinced me & now it's over. double edge sword - i'm sure you didn't want to hear it, but i'm sure you did.

i love you. there will never be another. i promise.
when i wrote i love you yesterday, i remember the times you would write it 100 times across the screen. my heart is finally smiling with all the memories.

i miss you. i love you so much.

i just want to type & type & type. i don't want this to end. but thank you for letting it end this way. i can cry now instead of trying to pretend to be pissed at you.
i close this with tears in my eyes.

So, where am I going with all this? I'll continue in another post a little later.

I Tried.

I tried to call her today. With my heart pounding, my body sweating, I wimped out twice before I went through with it. Got the machine. As you know I've been mulling over whether to call or not and I had decided - as always - that she will continue to direct our course. So I dropped the idea. However, there has been another reason nagging at me as to why I still needed to call her. But I wasn't certain it was just an excuse to call her. But last night while lying on my couch watching TV, I did what I've done many times when Sara was around. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like to have her lying next me at that moment. I've never, never did that when she was gone because it would just cause me pain. But this time it felt good. I don't exactly know why and I don't really care. But what that did was convince me I wasn't looking for an excuse to call her. So I tried. I knew it was totally for her benefit and I knew it was making me totally vulnerable to being knocked out of where I'm at if she was to get pissed for me calling.

Oh, the reason why I needed to call her? To tell her - assure her - that I'd never call her. No one-ringers, no hangups, no nothing. Ever since my actions forced her into closing her joint email (she shared with hubby) I felt awful and was concerned she would do the same, if need be, with her phone number. I didn't want random one-ringers or hangups to make her feel I was behind them, thus causing her to change her phone number, and needing to explain that to her husband.

As contorted as that explanation sounds, I know Sara, and I know the many times she has told me she panics whenever a blocked or 'out of region' number shows up when her husband is home. She's always paranoid it could be me and now that the phone is my last means of communicating with her - I'm sure her concern is more than ever.

Purpose

There is a purpose to writing this blog. And I'm certain it's not to look for validation, approval or reassurance. Bellacara can't be any more an enabler than the Anonymous commenters out there can be disablers. I'm not looking for permission, and although I welcome all comments, I assure you that I'm aware of most everything that is being told to me. What I do find the most useful are the firsthand - from the heart - accounts of what Sara might be going through right now. That helps me keep it 'real' and does not allow me to forget her emotions are just as important as mine. My hope is that by writing and thinking and writing again about this, I will keep myself in check and not pursue too strongly what I'm certain I want. And that is Sara.