Pressure Release.

Sara called me today. She actually drove to a couple gas stations this morning looking to buy a calling card. It was a wonderful conversation, with both of us keeping our fingers crossed that she will be okay after we hung up. If so, I'm certain I can expect more of those calls. Maybe its me we should worry about though. LOL. I actually felt my eyes well up while we were saying goodbye, but that was soon replaced with a huge smile that should continue for a long while. I hope its the same for her. If things aren't going so well for her, she put up a good front. But she didn't go overboard trying to convince me things were good - like she has in the past. She was all there. And so was I.

Pressure Valve.

Still doing good. I think about her constantly, and it still puts a smile on my face and warms my heart whenever I do. As long as that continues to happen, I see no reason why I can't keep on track. But it is a day to day thing. I can't look in the future and not see her still being a part of my life. Whenever I try, I feel myself slip a little.

Sara did contact me via email wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. She (once again) created a new account to do so. I replied wishing her the same, but I have no idea if she even received it before locking that account. A big part of me hopes that she will continue to do this. The hope being that she occasionally sends me an update to how she's doing, and what's new in her life. Yes, I know that's dangerous. But think of it as a pressure relief valve.

Thanksgiving

I think the timing of our seperation is pretty good. We both enjoy the holidays with our families, and its during these times that reinforce how important they are to us. Sure, it doesn't stop me from constantly thinking what the holidays would be like with Sara, but its more a happy feeling than a sad one. And I can't say enough (or is this the first time I'm actually saying it here) how much it helps to read all the blogs from the women who are put into the same situation as her. They do an excellent job of expressing all the emotions that (I'm certain) Sara is probably going through as well. And that helps me to realize and understand that my hope of her finding a compromise with us is unrealistic. So, its time to put aside (at least temporarily) those hopes and dreams of what could be, and just be thankful for whats there. Right in front of us.

Before I Locked It

We had a fantastic heart to heart conversation, and even slipped in a little phone sex. She had her walls down, her heart wide open and honesty on the table. She made one last attempt to get me to consider a life with her full time. It broke my heart to tell her it wasn't possible. I knew we both would carry a guilt into that relationship that would strain it from the start. A guilt that would come from seeing the aftermath of that decision. She then asked that I give her back to her kids and husband. She has not been able to give them 100% of her. The thought of her children not getting all of there mother, because of me, was enough of a push in the right direction. I told her I was ready to lock her out of the account but she wanted the opportunity to write one more email to me. It was this:

i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.

sucks. gawd it's going to hurt sooo bad.

while i was driving around i was able to reflect on the last 4 years. it felt good. i could smile and even laugh when a fun time came to mind. felt good to have emotions about it instead of trying to bury it and pretend it never happened.

another corny thought that came to mind is - you make my body sing. i don't know how else to say it. harmony - my mind & body. i've never been there in my entire life. it's so hard to let go. it's only been four years but i feel like i've known you forever. but i also feel like there's soooo much more i want to know and will never get the opportunity. a knowing that could only be if we were together.

the other thing which is, i guess you can say ironic, that after our phone conversation the other day - i walked away knowing you truly love me. after 4 years you've finally convinced me & now it's over. double edge sword - i'm sure you didn't want to hear it, but i'm sure you did.

i love you. there will never be another. that i can promise you. when i wrote i love you, i remember the times you would write it 100 times across the screen. my heart is finally smiling with all the memories.

i miss you. i love you so much.

i just want to type & type & type. i don't want this to end. but thank you for letting it end this way. i can cry now instead of trying to pretend to be pissed at you. i close this with tears in my eyes.

I locked her out of the account. A perfect ending - or as perfect as can be expected. But this morning she text messaged me from a new email account she created. She wanted to tell me how much it stung when she tried to log in and she couldn't. I'm sure she has locked herself out of that new account already, but it's what I've told her many times before. Locking this account wasn't going to change a thing. I HAVE to resist responding to any emails I receive from her. That's the ONLY way this will stop.

Getting Tough

***Updated***
What a difference a weekend makes. Last week I was doing great. I hadn't closed the account yet because I was waiting for Sara to read my response, parting last words, to make sure she knew I wasn't upset with her. But since she hasn't been back yet to read it, I'm starting to have trouble trying to keep my back turned. I want to delete that email and leave one now that says I can't leave. I won't leave. She's a big girl and she has the right to stay away with no interference from me. But I have to be there for her if she comes back. Don't know if its just the Monday blues, but it's unsettling.

***It appears minutes before I posted this, she had come back to read that email. At the end of that email I told her that once I saw she had read it, I'll lock the account. Her reply was "read it". Of course I would have known she had without her telling me, but guess she wanted the last word. ;)

Marriage

Marriage is a system that was setup destined to fail from the start. Without any intervention, it will always fail. It's a woman's attempt to monogamize what is otherwise a non-monogamous mammal. It's a man's desire for an indentured servant. A successful marriage that lasts a lifetime is almost always the result of the couple being best friends. And thats a tribute to their friendship, not their marriage.

Amazed

Just from the comments that's being left, I'm amazed that some people really believe that I'm in control here. Sara will do what she wants, when she wants. This locking of the email is just an imagined excuse to keep the responsiblity of this affair solely in my corner. The reason she wanted me to lock the voicemail (last time) is because at that time, that was the only thing she was still tied to. She had broke her email habit and felt voicemail was the last thing that still tied us together. Voicemail has been gone for months now - and she hasn't. A drug addict does not kick their habit by ridding the world of drugs first. Likewise with an alcoholic and alcohol. If she is to successfully kick this habit, she has to do it on her own. After our 'last time', I did not tempt her by leaving messages in email. It was empty. She started that back up.

I replied to her email (mentioned in last post) by telling her nothing has changed since my previous emails. I told her I refuse to promise her anything that I'm not 99% certain I can keep. I can only promise to try. And I told her that there were still enough memories from our last conversations and last time together to help carry me for awhile. Hopefully, long enough. I added a p.s. later that said "but this has nothing to do with choosing them over you". This was her reply:

have tried so many times to end it on good terms. it's leaving - there's
never going to be perfect terms...no matter what.

i am soooooo tired of your psychological bull shit. it's never a good time to
leave...you always provide an excuse...

so i hope you are happy. now we can leave on bad terms.

i am soooo done with this shit.

I guess it's possible I've (by accident) given her the 'fight' she sez she needs to stay away. But its kinda sad that she took what was my honest feelings and viewed them as just excuses and psychological bullshit. But considering the place she was in at the time, I don't fault her for that. The unfortunate reality though is she has ended things with almost these exact words several times before. Once the anger subsides, she'll be back.

It comes down to this. I have to ignore any attempts she makes to come back. And that folks, is where I will fail miserably. And she knows this. But she also is very well aware that I will not leave my family. I have never given her mixed signals about this, and she has never accused me of such. So she is well aware of what all that I can offer her. And all that I can't.