No Drama Here
I've done a cut and paste of several comments that my 'special reader' has sent me regarding how similar things are between her and Sara.
Our breakups prior to this one were always because I wanted them. I'd tell him I needed a break, or that I was better than being someone he'd 'kill time' with. Sometimes I'd throw myself a pity party because I loved him and wanted to be with him ,but knew we couldn't so I'd decide to stop torturing myself and end the relationship. But hell....did I miss him...just about more than any damn thing. Is this terribly hard. Well, pardon the language..but FUCK Yes it's hard. There are many parts of me that would rather hate him right now..than feel all the things that I am. If I had just one dime for every time I asked him about all his 'other'
girls and he would tell me that there were none---i could probably be living in the Caribbean right now. I wonder if that's just part of having an affair.....always wondering if you're just one of many...one in the line until the next comes along. But like you guys..we've been doing this for years so you think i'd get the hint. I definately have more of an issue of his faithfulness. But how stupid is that. It's like when we first started. I had all these 'rules' in my head. He never enforced them or even mentioned any such thing. I had decided that there'd be no mention of love, no feelings, no emotional involvement. Just fucking. Even if it was cyber/phone fucking...that was all that it would be. That way when he dropped me for the 'other' girl, the one who was prettier, or better, or dare i say sluttier---then I wouldn't be hurt.
Then time passed and I showed him sides of myself that I swore I wouldn't. I cried to him, I allowed myself to get mad at him. And of course I fell in love. So now...the idea of there being another girl hurts so much. And I hate that. Your sentence about letting her hear your voice and the walls would crumble...in fact your whole e-mail--once again also mirrors us. Like you guys...everytime I opened up to him--well, not me opening--him prying me open. It felt so good--even though sometimes the things he would say would sting a little to get me to be honest with myself--but after that I'd always pull back. Want to just 'fuck' instead of the philisophical debates. Get him to crawl out of my head and into my body for a bit. If that makes sense either?
So...here I sit wondering if he'll e-mail me tonight. It's a damn rollercoaster ride right now that takes more of my attention than I should give it. Yet at the same time I'm enjoying the high. So, it's my own damn fault. After reading that your Sara has told you the same things i'm not sure whether i feel better that i'm not alone, or feel bad for her because i know how she feels. When I've left it's usually me writing this e-mail at 3am saying i can't do this anymore. and then giving him whatever reason i have and then going. And he will not usually persue me. He will usually write one e-mail reminding me that if/when i'm ready to come back he'll be there and if i need anything just to mail him and he'll be there. So when i go back i have to fight with my own guilt and demons to come back. I think that her knowing that you'll always be there, that you've told her that, absolutely allows her to 'leave' without actually leaving. As for her never opening up...it took me a long time to allow C to hear me cry and to see me cry. It was also awhile into our relationship before I would get angry at him. I kept my real emotions back. It had to do with the 'rules'. If I didn't open up to him...then I wouldn't fall in love with him..and it would be that much easier when he finally ditched me for good. THAT didn't work. lol.
You know...she wants to know that you're thinking about her and what you're thinking. I bet it has been soo hard for her to hold strong for this long. Maybe she was really trying this time, but when you love someone-- you can't just shut it off. i wanted--to shut it off. to have no feelings for him anymore. but you can't. and neither can she. at least i don't see how she could. now i wonder if she's fighting with herself over whether or not to mail you...the back and forth...you want to so much and yet you don't. you're going to be strong...but in the end i always just said fuck it. life is too damn short and he makes me feel too damn good. oh...and the deal with her transferring her anger to her----I do that a LOT with him. anytime he's hurt me even without realizing that he's hurt me----I WILL try to hurt him back. She has to be a mess inside too. Trust me that you're not the only one hurting in that relationship. But maybe it's time to make it a little harder for her to come back? or maybe it is time to end it. But damn, that's easy for me to say isn't it? lol.
we don't differ that much. If I was ready to be done with him for good---the only way i could do it and not come running back would be if he did tell me there was someone else. And our last phone conversation-- I bawled and begged him to tell me there was someone else. How's that for nuts? And his answer was...is that really what you want me to say? because even if i did say that to you right now you wouldn't believe me. You asked why she gets hurt hearing anything that might relate back to your wife. I can't tell you why it hurts so much except that...I'm a woman. I think differently. I know that he's climbing into bed with her, kissing her goodbye every morning. She gets to rub her hand across the back of his neck. She gets the feel of his hand on her lower back when he opens a door for her and ushers her through. I know all this already. My mind does not need any fuel for the fire. I do not need any help picturing what goes on. And sometimes it does feel exactly like he's choosing her...every single time he can't get back online to chat, or they go out for a family outing on a Sat. It doesn't make sense. I know that he'd never leave her, that was never suggested or insinuated, nor am I 100% sure I'd leave my husband--at all. But it still stings to think of his hands roaming all over her--when i want it to be me that he puts to bed every night.
As far as why she's saying the things she's saying now. okay..this is just my opinion, but i did the same thing awhile back.... she's lying to you and trying to do it in her best 'believable' way. the "if I say this bluntly with an edge to it he will believe me and go away" way of saying things. And if i stated the things that I wanted to believe and wanted him to believe in a way that sounded truthful and honest then maybe i'd believe them myself. Just my opinion. but i've done it several times before myself.
Our breakups prior to this one were always because I wanted them. I'd tell him I needed a break, or that I was better than being someone he'd 'kill time' with. Sometimes I'd throw myself a pity party because I loved him and wanted to be with him ,but knew we couldn't so I'd decide to stop torturing myself and end the relationship. But hell....did I miss him...just about more than any damn thing. Is this terribly hard. Well, pardon the language..but FUCK Yes it's hard. There are many parts of me that would rather hate him right now..than feel all the things that I am. If I had just one dime for every time I asked him about all his 'other'
girls and he would tell me that there were none---i could probably be living in the Caribbean right now. I wonder if that's just part of having an affair.....always wondering if you're just one of many...one in the line until the next comes along. But like you guys..we've been doing this for years so you think i'd get the hint. I definately have more of an issue of his faithfulness. But how stupid is that. It's like when we first started. I had all these 'rules' in my head. He never enforced them or even mentioned any such thing. I had decided that there'd be no mention of love, no feelings, no emotional involvement. Just fucking. Even if it was cyber/phone fucking...that was all that it would be. That way when he dropped me for the 'other' girl, the one who was prettier, or better, or dare i say sluttier---then I wouldn't be hurt.
Then time passed and I showed him sides of myself that I swore I wouldn't. I cried to him, I allowed myself to get mad at him. And of course I fell in love. So now...the idea of there being another girl hurts so much. And I hate that. Your sentence about letting her hear your voice and the walls would crumble...in fact your whole e-mail--once again also mirrors us. Like you guys...everytime I opened up to him--well, not me opening--him prying me open. It felt so good--even though sometimes the things he would say would sting a little to get me to be honest with myself--but after that I'd always pull back. Want to just 'fuck' instead of the philisophical debates. Get him to crawl out of my head and into my body for a bit. If that makes sense either?
So...here I sit wondering if he'll e-mail me tonight. It's a damn rollercoaster ride right now that takes more of my attention than I should give it. Yet at the same time I'm enjoying the high. So, it's my own damn fault. After reading that your Sara has told you the same things i'm not sure whether i feel better that i'm not alone, or feel bad for her because i know how she feels. When I've left it's usually me writing this e-mail at 3am saying i can't do this anymore. and then giving him whatever reason i have and then going. And he will not usually persue me. He will usually write one e-mail reminding me that if/when i'm ready to come back he'll be there and if i need anything just to mail him and he'll be there. So when i go back i have to fight with my own guilt and demons to come back. I think that her knowing that you'll always be there, that you've told her that, absolutely allows her to 'leave' without actually leaving. As for her never opening up...it took me a long time to allow C to hear me cry and to see me cry. It was also awhile into our relationship before I would get angry at him. I kept my real emotions back. It had to do with the 'rules'. If I didn't open up to him...then I wouldn't fall in love with him..and it would be that much easier when he finally ditched me for good. THAT didn't work. lol.
You know...she wants to know that you're thinking about her and what you're thinking. I bet it has been soo hard for her to hold strong for this long. Maybe she was really trying this time, but when you love someone-- you can't just shut it off. i wanted--to shut it off. to have no feelings for him anymore. but you can't. and neither can she. at least i don't see how she could. now i wonder if she's fighting with herself over whether or not to mail you...the back and forth...you want to so much and yet you don't. you're going to be strong...but in the end i always just said fuck it. life is too damn short and he makes me feel too damn good. oh...and the deal with her transferring her anger to her----I do that a LOT with him. anytime he's hurt me even without realizing that he's hurt me----I WILL try to hurt him back. She has to be a mess inside too. Trust me that you're not the only one hurting in that relationship. But maybe it's time to make it a little harder for her to come back? or maybe it is time to end it. But damn, that's easy for me to say isn't it? lol.
we don't differ that much. If I was ready to be done with him for good---the only way i could do it and not come running back would be if he did tell me there was someone else. And our last phone conversation-- I bawled and begged him to tell me there was someone else. How's that for nuts? And his answer was...is that really what you want me to say? because even if i did say that to you right now you wouldn't believe me. You asked why she gets hurt hearing anything that might relate back to your wife. I can't tell you why it hurts so much except that...I'm a woman. I think differently. I know that he's climbing into bed with her, kissing her goodbye every morning. She gets to rub her hand across the back of his neck. She gets the feel of his hand on her lower back when he opens a door for her and ushers her through. I know all this already. My mind does not need any fuel for the fire. I do not need any help picturing what goes on. And sometimes it does feel exactly like he's choosing her...every single time he can't get back online to chat, or they go out for a family outing on a Sat. It doesn't make sense. I know that he'd never leave her, that was never suggested or insinuated, nor am I 100% sure I'd leave my husband--at all. But it still stings to think of his hands roaming all over her--when i want it to be me that he puts to bed every night.
As far as why she's saying the things she's saying now. okay..this is just my opinion, but i did the same thing awhile back.... she's lying to you and trying to do it in her best 'believable' way. the "if I say this bluntly with an edge to it he will believe me and go away" way of saying things. And if i stated the things that I wanted to believe and wanted him to believe in a way that sounded truthful and honest then maybe i'd believe them myself. Just my opinion. but i've done it several times before myself.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 1:29 PM
1 Comments:
Sigh. . .
On the one hand I feel as though I of all people should be more understanding.
But I can't be. Every comment Kayten has made seems to be right on.
Drama, Drama, Drama
What's more (please understand that I am not saying any of this to be harsh or mean-it's just what I see)-
Your "special" reader seems to be only telling you what you want to do-I can think of a couple of reasons as to why she would do this-but since I don't know her-it's not my place to make assumptions or judge.
You are going to the ends of the earth and back to not have to accept an end to this situation. I take comfort in the fact that if I looked Paul in the eye, told him I wanted something else-he would wish me the best and move on. I never worry that he is going to start these dramatics. I won't start the dramatics-maybe I feel some of those things-but I don't drag Paul into the yes/no, yes/no game.
You two seem bored with life, so you play these games.
And if it works for you-OK, so be it. But realize that it's just a game.
Again-sorry for my harsh words-but the whole thing has been in my craw all weekend.
Good Luck
Post a Comment
<< Home