Perplexed
From some emails sent to me, I've come to realize that some of you might be taken aback by my audacity to question Sara's feelings. Who better to know one's feelings than oneself. True. To an extent. Sara has done this several times before - try to have her mind convince her heart how to feel. This is a defense mechanism that she uses, and admits to it at times. I just needed to hear her explain away an incident we had together a little while back, to realize what she's doing. This particular incident was a very emotional, exhilirating, passionate, but no sex involved, time we spent together. We started out like a couple teenagers running around a hotel at 2 in the morning looking for a place to fuck. It ended with an outpouring of insight and emotions that she has never let go of before. She cried as she asked me if I'd be there for her if we ever got caught. She cried as she asked me how I could love my wife and her as well. She asked for my commitment to never leave her, no matter what. We genuinely took a step deeper into each other's souls. There was absolutely no confusion of emotions that night. But yesterday she completely discounted that night. Her words:
- hampton inn...weight room...hello. do you not remember - nothing happened. if i still cared so deeply for you i wouldn't have turned you down in the suv. they were only excuses. i would have gone for it in the weight room...the elevator. NOT! the comment out in the parking lot....if you would ever leave wife for me. just wanted to hear you say it...see if you could. thought maybe you would realize you couldn't say it & then you'd leave. no such luck.
BTW: This incident occured while we were technically 'seperated'. After this particular evening we saw each other 6 more times in two months. By far the most times we had ever gotten together in such a short period of time. My answer to her question was that I could never leave my kids. But she had my commitment that if anything went wrong, and we got caught, I would stay with her if she desired. The turndown in my SUV was not true. Her wet panties, her grinding into me, her tongue down my throat as she moaned 'no' was not taken advantage of by me. I knew she was trying to resist coming back, but was failing. I just respected her spoken wishes.
So. Anybody think I'm still wrong in my opinion that she is in complete denial?
- hampton inn...weight room...hello. do you not remember - nothing happened. if i still cared so deeply for you i wouldn't have turned you down in the suv. they were only excuses. i would have gone for it in the weight room...the elevator. NOT! the comment out in the parking lot....if you would ever leave wife for me. just wanted to hear you say it...see if you could. thought maybe you would realize you couldn't say it & then you'd leave. no such luck.
BTW: This incident occured while we were technically 'seperated'. After this particular evening we saw each other 6 more times in two months. By far the most times we had ever gotten together in such a short period of time. My answer to her question was that I could never leave my kids. But she had my commitment that if anything went wrong, and we got caught, I would stay with her if she desired. The turndown in my SUV was not true. Her wet panties, her grinding into me, her tongue down my throat as she moaned 'no' was not taken advantage of by me. I knew she was trying to resist coming back, but was failing. I just respected her spoken wishes.
So. Anybody think I'm still wrong in my opinion that she is in complete denial?
posted by do_in_it_2 | 3:07 PM
2 Comments:
Damn, I can't even go a whole frickin' day holding my tongue. But since you asked ...
NO. I do not think she's in denial. I think she's a drama addict. Okay, that's harsh. But look at this history of coming and going and inflaming and cooling - but not too cool! - and deleting emailboxes and god knows what else she does to push and pull you.
She's a woman with, what, FOUR small children? A boring job or stay at home mom? A husband who doesn't appreciate her, much less her sexuality. You are her soap opera. You are her dual life. But you are not reality. She's in love with herself when she's with you - the passionate sexy desired woman - and, it appears to me, not with you.
We women suffer from the misfortune of being raised to think that every day in a relationship is a honeymoon. That the man we marry should be the Marlboro man and Donald Trump and Clark Kent and Superman and Don Juan all in one person, all the time, every day. She is probably struggling with ways to change her husband into someone who excites her, while you, who excite her, are on the outside.
Yes, her take on it now is not that of someone who bared her soul to you. But how do you maintain your dignity when you've given a piece of yourself in a moment of weakness that you want back? You spin it.
I'd be curious to know more about her marriage and her husband, their history and how they got to the now, but it seems to me that her heart is elsewhere (probably more likely at home than with someone new) but she can't let go of your characteristics, the ones she wishes she could infuse into her husband.
If you have any sort of a Dom/sub thing going here, that throws everything even FURTHER out of whack. If her job is being in charge of an out-of-work husband and four small children, then the concept of being seen sexually and dominated is going to appeal to her no matter WHO is doing it, much less someone she already trusts to get the job done.
I see it as someone who loves the play but not her co-star. Whether it's that she wishes you were someone else, or has grown disenchanted, or something else, I do see that you are assigning entirely different feelings and interpretations to things and words than she is.
I could be WAY off base but there is so much confusion about boundaries and unclear communication here that it seems to be a mess no matter how you look at it ... but a mess involving two horny people who, physically, can't resist the opportunity to be together.
Sorry ... but like I said, you asked for a take on your opinion.
OK-Kayten-I couldn't have put it better myself.
I think you hit the nail on the head.
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