Trouble in Paradise.

Well, it was bound to happen. In the course of exchanging many, many, voicemails I've managed to send Sara deep into the dumps. She has come off of a wonderful weekend (specifically Friday night), and while in the process of sharing all the excitement and fun she had, I became a real downer for her. I had a hard time hearing about all the other people whom she paid more attention to then me. And I became very insecure about us. She realized we weren't 'in sync' with each other and opted to take a break for the rest of the day (yesterday). This hit home with me and I left her a very nice message apologizing for wanting so much attention and for not wanting to hear about all the fun she had. Even though she said she was taking a break, she did come back and listen to that message. I felt pretty good about rising above the insecurity that was beginning to overwhelm me. But that's how we left things yesterday. This morning was a different story. I realized that I had apologized for wanting her attention. I never get to see here, or talk to her. And the chances that we are ever in the same place at the same time is very rare. And I also realized that I was apologizing for not wanting to hear about all the attention she paid to 'strangers'. I would have had no problem if it was just her husband. I ended the message with "I give you all that I can give you, and only ask a little in return". This apparently hit a raw nerve with Sara, and what I received were 3 very emotional, verging on a breakdown, voicemails from her. She was very upset, but not angry, that 'the little I ask in return' consists of asking her to cheat on her husband. Cheat on her children. Go against everything she knows is the moral thing to do. I can't possibly cover all the things she said, but you can probably guess most of what is bothering her. But most of all, she said she just needs a friend right now. Not somebody to complicate her already complicated life. Keep in mind throughout all this I was waiting for the 'goodbye' speech to start. But it became apparent to me that she didn't want me to go. She was very careful in what she said, but it was so painfully obvious she was crying for help. She was hurting because I made her feel like she let me down. I took, what was to her, an escape from her daily life, and the fun she had being away from it, and made her feel like she didn't fulfill her responsiblity to me. I was almost in tears as I listened to this. Her last statement pretty much summed it up totally. "If I wasn't feeling so down, and know I couldn't get myself back up, I'd tell you to just fuck off". She began to cry and hung up.

Knowing Sara as well as I do, I quickly left a message for her, and sure enough, she already was listening to it. This went on 3 more times, me leaving her a message after she listened to the previous, because i knew she needed me to make her feel better. In my messages I promised I would continue to give her my all, but that I'd ask for nothing in return. I will be her friend for as long as she needs one, and I'll be her lover whenever she needs one.

This is a first for Sara. She was not asking/begging me to leave. She is only asking me to uncomplicate things between us for awhile. I think I can do that. For a little while. But until she begins to reply back to anything I say, I won't know when and if I've accomplished that. If you recall in my previous posts, I knew I needed to balance on a fine line to keep things as they were. Obviously I lost my balance.