It's All About Me.
Ok, here are some rambling thoughts about me. Maybe knowing these things will help make sense of what I do and why. I never let anything stand in the way of me doing what I want to do. Yet I'm more a 'B' type personality. Go figure. But what comes from that combination is a consideration not to step on other people to get what I want. Not wanting to hurt anybody in the process. Thus the challenge and the constant dilemna. Of course, if my affair became known to my wife and kids, they will be hurt badly. But remember - nothing stands in the way of me doing what I want. So.... I just won't get caught. I'm bad at 'what if' scenarios. I can't realistically deal with hypotheticals. It's not a problem to me until its a problem. Yet, I always cover my bases. Prepare for the worse, but hope for the best. When I'm happy, my family reaps the benefits. In spades. Sara makes me happy. There is absolutely no diluting of emotions for either party. Of course things would be peachy if it were my wife that made me that happy. But she isn't, so I deal with the reality.
Everything that has been pointed out to me are things I've already dealt with in my mind. And for that reason I have never considered for more than two moments leaving my family for Sara. Not that I doubted what we had was special, but I'm enough of a realist to know it can't stay that way. But recently I've realized how unfair that was to Sara to not even consider/discuss the possibility. Especially when I realized she was using that as a measuring stick for my love for her. Although things ended wonderfully for us, I know Sara and I know doubt has crept back into her mind. That's why the hidden messages. I wanted to explain to her (in a 3rd party sort of way) how a discussion like that might have gone. Unfortunately she ended that 'discussion' at the wrong moment. I know what I've left her with, and I know its hurting her. And that's whats driving me crazy right now. I HAVE to figure out some way to make this right. Without stepping on her.
There is no doubt in my mind I can get her back. If this was only about that, I would have done it by now. Something she said to me (twice) that I always try to use to guide my actions: "you have my heart in your hands..please be gentle". I still feel like I do...and I must.
Everything that has been pointed out to me are things I've already dealt with in my mind. And for that reason I have never considered for more than two moments leaving my family for Sara. Not that I doubted what we had was special, but I'm enough of a realist to know it can't stay that way. But recently I've realized how unfair that was to Sara to not even consider/discuss the possibility. Especially when I realized she was using that as a measuring stick for my love for her. Although things ended wonderfully for us, I know Sara and I know doubt has crept back into her mind. That's why the hidden messages. I wanted to explain to her (in a 3rd party sort of way) how a discussion like that might have gone. Unfortunately she ended that 'discussion' at the wrong moment. I know what I've left her with, and I know its hurting her. And that's whats driving me crazy right now. I HAVE to figure out some way to make this right. Without stepping on her.
There is no doubt in my mind I can get her back. If this was only about that, I would have done it by now. Something she said to me (twice) that I always try to use to guide my actions: "you have my heart in your hands..please be gentle". I still feel like I do...and I must.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 11:03 AM
9 Comments:
You wrote, "But recently I've realized how unfair that was to Sara to not even consider/discuss the possibility." Except that affairs are not 'supposed' to be about ditching the existing marriages, especially if you've made it clear from day one that you're not looking to divorce. I mean, I've read blogs where the guy sounds like he's missing an important computer chip. The guys lie and say their marriages are over but it's not the right time to leave. Another baby or two later (with Wife), Other Woman -finally- gets it that her Lover was a big fat liar! You have not presented yourself in this manner - have never implied that you ever lead her on about your goals. And it doesn't seem as if they've changed. I'm also curious about why, if you're used to getting what you want, as you want it, you would or could end up married to someone who doesn't give you what you want sexually.... And as for Sara being culpable, well hell yeah. But we're not getting her point of view here, and far be it from me to malign the woman you love! You can at least speak back, address these comments, etc. -V-
V - as to why i would marry someone who didn't give me what i wanted sexually - she was my first. i had no idea where my boundaries would lie. i was just happy to be screwing. she seemed adventurous during our first years of marriage, but it wasn't until we were in our 10th year when she finally let lose and showed me what she could do, or allow me to do. that lasted all of 6 months at the most. as suddenly as it started, it came to an end - never to appear again. i still remained monogamous for more than 4 years after that, but my appetite was growing that whole time.
Does Sara read your blog?
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sassy- no, she does not know about this blog.
ifiwerebrave's comment is stolen from http://www.alcoholicpoet.com/2005/11/alcoholic-poetry-5.html
these are my words, not hers.
she's also plaigraizing me in the comments at http://willshebeback.blogspot.com/2006/01/for-every-day.html
p.s. - blog owener, please don't remove the offending comments. i would like for the admins at google to be able to see them. thanx.
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