It's Only a Nudge.
First off I want to emphasize that I do not put any blame on Sara for anything. I totally shoulder the responsibility for what has gone on. With that said, I'm surprised at how many people forget the fact that she is partially responsible for all this. Including my actions or reactions to her decisions. Considering what has always been the inevitable (in hindsight), I have only tried to hurry along the process. I nudge her, and she allows herself to be nudged. Its up to her what direction she's facing when I do that.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 10:53 AM
5 Comments:
Then why don't you resolve to nudge her ONLY when she's facing you? Why manipulate someone who has made it clear that you are only causing them more pain?
If she believes the testament of your love for her is whether or not you would leave your family for her, that's her issue, not yours, and no matter what you say will make her see any shade other than black or white.
If you can both do it and risk being alone, then do it. But you have to both be okay that you might burn bridges and end up stranded. She could leave and you could decide to stay, or vice versa. Then what? Can either of you handle the guilt for causing the end of the other's marriage if you can't get out of your own?
Even if the stars align, there is not enough light from stars alone to see the path. Trust me, I'm dealing with that one every single damn day. I am nearly divorced, my former lover's marriage is essentially over, we still love each other and desire each other as much as ever, and yet I have seen him once in the past four months. He still has internal demons to fight before he can feel "clear" to be with me, and I need to decide how long my love will allow me to wait, alone, having only his friendship when he can make time for it. And there's only one small child between the both of us, and really no major financial issues for either, so very few complications.
When love's possibilities are eclipsed by circumstances, you can't simply assume that a different set of circumstances would make things possible. You just have to assume a different set of problems with a different set of circumstances .... whether they can be overcome or not remains to be seen.
I've been quiet here for a while and resisting putting in my thoughts, but since bellacara and I spoke about your situation some the other night, I thought I'd speak up.
There is NO WAY to make this right for everyone. Simply none. And this will be why I will never be involved in an affair again. Even now when my former lover and I are available to date and be together, we are trying to start "fresh" in a situation where we are already at the center of each other's hearts. The period during which we could become unattached should it not seem to work out for one of us is long, long gone - which is where most people start from when they begin a new kind of relationship.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that having been where you are (but in a much less complicated way), I can say that the grass is not greener on the other side, it's simply a different shade to deal with. Fortunately, I think that I'm still better off being alone than I was with my husband, and that my child is too, so I have no regrets. But would you or Sara be willing to go it alone if things did not work out? And will you ever be able to make her see that she needs to accept all those possibilities without gauging your emotions by actions? Especially if your being in her life to even simply explain that makes it too difficult for her?
Personally, I think it's an example of loving being sacrifice. You need to sacrifice what you want because you do love her. If you go for what you want at her expense, that's not love, it's lust or greed or something else which sends just as bad a message as not fulfilling her definition of action in the name of love.
Kayten - I would have loved to have been at that meeting. At least to make sure my side was well represented. ;) But you reinforced the point I was making about refusing to see Sara is totally in charge of this situation. And always has been. So people need to stop feeling sorry for her for having such an unfeeling, inconsiderate, unloving, manipulative and demanding (ex)lover like me. Because I'm not.
As far as the nudge goes, I have no possible way to determine which direction she is facing. Up until now it has always (obviously) been in my direction. I can't make her feel love for me. I can along ask she be honest with herself about her feeling. If that's manipulation, then so be it.
Kayten says a mouthful here, sadly you dismiss it. No where does Kayten imply she is feeling sorry for Sara, that is you projecting and justifying your own feelings and manipulations.
Why should Sara need to do anything to vis-a-vis sharing feelings or anything else with you. It seems like she has made her decision, has stuck to it, and you are one that is now trying to interject yourself into her life under the guise of caring for her.
PS: you should be ashamed of your constant arrogant declarations that "there is no doubt in my mind [you] can get her back."
anon - my arrogant declaration is based on fact. in my last phone conversation with Sara she told me all it would take is a phone call, or her seeing me to totally dissolve any resolve she has to make this work. she asked that i not use this knowledge against her.
i would think a comment like (from kayten) that says "why manipulate someone who has......" as a strong indication that she is considering Sara the victim here. i'm not saying it was her intent to imply that, but that's how i took it.
For the record, Bellacara and I did not say anything in which you would need to be represented, only in talking about all the different directions an affair can take, none of which seem to end well.
You are both right in that I both consider Sara the victim if you attempt to contact her while she is trying very hard to escape you, and that I do not feel sorry for her, because she embarked on the same path with you. It's just that you seem to have differing opinions as to where and how it has to end. She has begged you to have mercy and if you contact her, you are refusing the request and simply taking what you want. Kind of an emotional rape. She will give herself to you and it will gratify you but cause her even more pain. Remember all our analogies about addicts falling off the wagon? Why take advantage of her brutal honesty just for what you want?
My advice is to let her go since there is only one way you can prove your love to her - leaving your families to be together - and nothing else will do, and she cannot be convinced. Everything else is a way of hurting her. If you must, find someone new who is willing to venture down that road, someone who obviously has no idea what pain will be at the end of it.
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