Achilles

Sara is an amazingly strong woman. She also has the amazing ability to make a decision, and within the course of an hour have it accomplished, or at least well on its way to being accomplished. We could be discussing an (domestic type) issue and while I still think its a topic she will ponder for a little while, I'm blown away when the next time we speak, its been accomplished. This includes the time when she discussed wanting to upgrade her cellphone, and maybe change carriers. She even suggested that she change her number and not give it to me since we had become very careless with our cellphones. Of course my biggest concern at that time was what her husband would think if she did do that. I told her we should think this through. By the next day it was already a done deal. Of course she was grilled by her husband as to why she didn't keep her number. And then a week later, as she used up the last minutes of her old phone, she broke down while talking to me when the realization hit that we'd never again be able to call each other at a whim. Like she was doing at that moment. But I was proud of her for doing this - for us.

Why do I bring this up? It's because it's something that I really admire about her, even though it usually involves leaving me with the short end of the stick. This beautiful, sexy, awesome, amazingly strong woman, is capable of making the tough decisions and acting on it immediately. And I'm her achilles heel. Do you have any idea how good that makes me feel? Do you have any idea what responsibilities that puts on me? Do you have any idea what is involved emotionally in how I deal with her? Just by nature, when you love someone you also become their protector. And I try to accomplish that by providing her comfort, love, support, an emotional outlet.

Now she won't allow me to provide her my protection. For her to be so strong, she told me she had to turn off her emotions. I would never allow that. She knew as well as I did that that wasn't healthy in the long run. Thats why I felt, as her protector, that I could never allow her to walk away devoid of emotion. I felt we finally achieved that when she sent me her last email. I'll reprint it here:

while i was driving around i was able to reflect on the last 4 years. it felt good. i could smile and even laugh when a fun time came to mind. felt good to have emotions about it instead of trying to bury it and pretend it never happened.

another corny thought that came to mind is - you make my body sing. i don't know how else to say it. harmony - my mind & body. i've never been there in my entire life. it's so hard to let go. it's only been four years but i feel like i've known you forever. but i also feel like there's soooo much more i want to know and will never get the opportunity. a knowing that could only be if we were together.

the other thing which is, i guess you can say ironic,that after our phone conversation the other day - i walked away knowing you truly love me. after 4 years you've finally convinced me & now it's over. double edge sword - i'm sure you didn't want to hear it, but i'm sure you did.

i love you. there will never be another. i promise.
when i wrote i love you yesterday, i remember the times you would write it 100 times across the screen. my heart is finally smiling with all the memories.

i miss you. i love you so much.

i just want to type & type & type. i don't want this to end. but thank you for letting it end this way. i can cry now instead of trying to pretend to be pissed at you.
i close this with tears in my eyes.

So, where am I going with all this? I'll continue in another post a little later.