I Tried.
I tried to call her today. With my heart pounding, my body sweating, I wimped out twice before I went through with it. Got the machine. As you know I've been mulling over whether to call or not and I had decided - as always - that she will continue to direct our course. So I dropped the idea. However, there has been another reason nagging at me as to why I still needed to call her. But I wasn't certain it was just an excuse to call her. But last night while lying on my couch watching TV, I did what I've done many times when Sara was around. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like to have her lying next me at that moment. I've never, never did that when she was gone because it would just cause me pain. But this time it felt good. I don't exactly know why and I don't really care. But what that did was convince me I wasn't looking for an excuse to call her. So I tried. I knew it was totally for her benefit and I knew it was making me totally vulnerable to being knocked out of where I'm at if she was to get pissed for me calling.
Oh, the reason why I needed to call her? To tell her - assure her - that I'd never call her. No one-ringers, no hangups, no nothing. Ever since my actions forced her into closing her joint email (she shared with hubby) I felt awful and was concerned she would do the same, if need be, with her phone number. I didn't want random one-ringers or hangups to make her feel I was behind them, thus causing her to change her phone number, and needing to explain that to her husband.
As contorted as that explanation sounds, I know Sara, and I know the many times she has told me she panics whenever a blocked or 'out of region' number shows up when her husband is home. She's always paranoid it could be me and now that the phone is my last means of communicating with her - I'm sure her concern is more than ever.
Oh, the reason why I needed to call her? To tell her - assure her - that I'd never call her. No one-ringers, no hangups, no nothing. Ever since my actions forced her into closing her joint email (she shared with hubby) I felt awful and was concerned she would do the same, if need be, with her phone number. I didn't want random one-ringers or hangups to make her feel I was behind them, thus causing her to change her phone number, and needing to explain that to her husband.
As contorted as that explanation sounds, I know Sara, and I know the many times she has told me she panics whenever a blocked or 'out of region' number shows up when her husband is home. She's always paranoid it could be me and now that the phone is my last means of communicating with her - I'm sure her concern is more than ever.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 12:10 PM
4 Comments:
It DOES sound contorted, since you know that it makes her panic and you are doing it anyway. Why turn her good memories of you into fearful thoughts of what you're going to do to her?
It makes me think of a blog post I've had going around in my head lately and just haven't written yet. Maybe this will make me sit down and collect my thoughts.
Can you simply resolve to ask yourself, before you take any action, "could this thing I want to do in order to make myself feel better possibly make Sara feel worse, even temporarily?" And if the answer is even maybe, then don't do it?
This is insane.
"the reason why I needed to call her? To tell her - assure her - that I'd never call her. No one-ringers, no hangups, no nothing."
How do you need to call someone to say you don't call?! How do you not see how twisted this rationale is. Its like a bad comedy, except you are fucking around with Sara's life (to say nothing of her husband and kids...and your wife and kids).
Hey, maybe you should drop by her house and tell her that you just wanted to say that you wouldn't see her again.
Let it go man, let it go.
PS: this sort of bizarre justification is equally insane
"I knew it was totally for her benefit and I knew it was making me totally vulnerable to being knocked out of where I'm at if she was to get pissed for me calling"
Just have the guts to admit this is all about you.
Wow, those comments sure came quick.
Kayten - I have asked myself that question and I do believe this is a concern she has now, and will have for a long long time. For the record, I WANT her to think of me everytime that happens, but not if it drives her into doing something drastic. This has nothing to do with making me feel better. The concern I was wrestling with is - if in the process of ridding her of that concern - then falling into a conversation - was I going to set her/us back a couple months.
anon - If its all about me, then I would do nothing. I know Sara, and if she sets her mind to changing her number, she will before formulating a rationale reason for doing so. And her husband is no dummy. He'll remember her not wanting to keep her cellphone number last year when she changed carriers. He knows she closed the email account. So he'll know whats up, she'll confess without blinking an eye, and he kicks her out. She runs to me.
That scenario is so very possible that it should scare me. But it doesn't.
:-0
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