Assurance
(This is a continuation of my earlier post today.)
So just where am I going with my previous comments? First off, as a reminder to some, and an update to others, anytime I seem to presume I know what Sara is thinking comes from the fact that she has told me (in past situations) what she was thinking. Yes, that could change, and its with that thought in mind that I don't act solely on the basis of what I think she might be thinking. In the past, when she was presumably gone, she still snuck and read emails I would leave her. She did this because it assured her that I hadn't forgotten about her. It was not meant (according to her) as an indication she didn't want to leave. What I never did get her to answer truthfully is what always brought her back. Now I'm only guessing here, but I would think that by leaving her constant indications that I haven't forgotten her has helped her stay silent for long periods of time (up to 6 months). But also provided her a road back to me as well. It's been a month now since she's truly been isolated from me. She has no way of knowing now if I still think about her. This is a position neither of us as ever been in. If only I was a fly on the wall and could watch her expression during a moment she thinks of me, and assure myself she's still in a good place, I could back off. I'm trying to believe that's still the case, and I'm 99% sure of it. It's that damn 1% that's got a hold of me right now.
So just where am I going with my previous comments? First off, as a reminder to some, and an update to others, anytime I seem to presume I know what Sara is thinking comes from the fact that she has told me (in past situations) what she was thinking. Yes, that could change, and its with that thought in mind that I don't act solely on the basis of what I think she might be thinking. In the past, when she was presumably gone, she still snuck and read emails I would leave her. She did this because it assured her that I hadn't forgotten about her. It was not meant (according to her) as an indication she didn't want to leave. What I never did get her to answer truthfully is what always brought her back. Now I'm only guessing here, but I would think that by leaving her constant indications that I haven't forgotten her has helped her stay silent for long periods of time (up to 6 months). But also provided her a road back to me as well. It's been a month now since she's truly been isolated from me. She has no way of knowing now if I still think about her. This is a position neither of us as ever been in. If only I was a fly on the wall and could watch her expression during a moment she thinks of me, and assure myself she's still in a good place, I could back off. I'm trying to believe that's still the case, and I'm 99% sure of it. It's that damn 1% that's got a hold of me right now.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 9:59 AM
4 Comments:
But you can't. And your insecurity threatens to ruin everything. Don't you see that?
I finally wrote about what I meant about this all yesterday. We have the ability to ruin the beautiful memories of the past when we act poorly in the present. Hold her memories sacred and leave them alone. She will find you again if she wants you, you know that.
You're right, that 1% is my insecurity. I didn't see that. But what I did realize after writing this post is that I wasn't going to allow that 1% to drive my actions.
Good, keep that thought. Respect her wishes even though that tiny part in you tells you to do otherwise, and gives you any justification for it.
sometimes you just need to hear the words. because you never have and you may never unless.
they don't need to be true. just there. something to hold.
sometimes all you want is to be lied to, because the truth has always been so selfish.
it's always over, but it never is.
there are only so many times you can tell yourself it isn't over because it never began, before you wonder if it even can.
sometimes you just need to hear the words. and when you finally do, you wish you never had.
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