I Did.
I called her. I was certain it was the right thing to do, and it was. She sincerely thanked me for promising her that any calls were not going to come from me, and agreed that she would have blamed those type of calls on me. She was warm and friendly but didn't let on that anything was going to change. Although I was not looking for an open door, the feelings I had afterwards told me I was. She was not upset that I called but later she did think to tell me that her husband is working weird hours and can be home anytime of the day. I asked her (jokingly) if that meant I was to wait for her to tell me when to call. Her laugh pretty much told me that wasn't the case. I honestly had no hidden agenda or expectations when I called her, but obviously some were going to be there anyway. My joy in talking to her turned south pretty quickly and sadness overtook me. I knew that was the risk, in fact I was sure it was going to happen, but I'm glad I helped ease a possible concern of hers. I'll deal with my sadness and maybe it is just what I need to move on now.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 2:22 PM
7 Comments:
I'll head off some of the comments by saying that I realize I've probably disappointed a lot of you by calling her, but you will agree that I must do what I feel I must do. I have to live with the decision and prepare myself accordingly. Yes, I realize I have no idea what I've done to Sara's resolve but I'm pretty confident that the few bricks I might have knocked off her wall was pretty negligable. She sounds in a good place - and will survive this.
I have to admit that I cringed when I read you'd call her and I'm grateful it went ok...for now.
I hope you stay true to your word of never calling again.
It seems you've reached another step in distancing yourself...I can't imagine what kind of hollowness you must feel.
Problem is, Leandra, I'm afraid I won't. She was too receptive to my call, and after I hung up there was so many things I wished I had talked to her about. And that's where I think the sadness was coming from. But lets face it, I will always have something I want to talk about with her. That's why I continually left her emails whenever she would leave. Now, I don't have that outlet anymore.
I have that same feeling talking with my D now in our remaining "business" transaction. Even though he wants to know about what's going on in my life though, the problem is that I want to share all of my life with him, not just the tidbits. And since he doesn't want that, since he has chosen someone else and continues to do so, to share his everyday life with, he does not get mine. I will continue to be friendly and polite as best I can and not let my love make me weak anymore. The hard part is that I both wish he would respect that desire in me to let go, and that it disappoints me when he does.
I cannot have what I want and I am always searching for the path of the least amount of pain.
Let
It
Go
You shouldn't have called. But you did. You didn't get caught. You were lucky. The seemed to serve call whatever purpose you think it had.
Now
Let
It
Go
remember you are unified in some way. as separate as your lives are. that somehow. someway. you are blessed with the ability to connect. to know that alone can never hold you hostage so long as you are both alive. you didn't need that phone call to realise this.
even if you’re never together again. prove that everything you remember is true. that it happened and could again. given the chance. and that you would take that chance all over again.
to know how it tastes. to know what it means to be.
i think for you what hurts more than losing her. is knowing she’s not fighting to keep you.
and now she’s gone for that very reason.
they say 'nothing leaves you until first you leave it.'
maybe in some other time. this would have all worked out.
when motion coincides. with the waves of your hearts.
yes, no doubt the fact that along with the hurt of losing her is that she has stopped fighting. or is it she's able to keep the fight - to stay away. either way, its the same. she's found strength and i haven't.
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