Nothing Much
I've got nothing much to say. I'm still in the same place I was last week and haven't waivered any since then. I still long for her but its a good feeling - for now.
I had wanted to address the issues of affairs but I seemed to have forgotten why. But since I mentioned that I had had two previous affairs, I guess I could at least synopsize them. The first was with a married woman I worked with, or rather worked in the same part of the building as me. I wasn't looking for it, but we became close over time and things took the obvious course. But it never went past the heavy petting stage, and never extended outside the workplace. When things seemed like they were heading that way, I freaked and ran. Disappeared as much as I could considering the situation. I didn't say more than 10 words to her afterwards and looking back now, I was an asshole.
But the thrill of having that 'second' life never left me. Less than a year later, another woman moved into my office. Her name was Monica. She was married as well. I did set my sights on her. Within a couple weeks we became good friends and we both put out enough signals that we wanted to take this farther. And we did. She was perfect. Looks of a model, but a personality like 'one of the guys'. She was the party-type, but still exuded a lot of class. I didn't realize it at that time but looking back at the relationship we could pretty much call ourselves fuck buddies. We never let it spill outside of the workplace/time environment. It was the perfect situation. I was still with her when I met Sara. I wasn't looking for another affair - I was in the perfect one already. But it was too late because I had already fallen for her. With Monica, we always told of our exploits over the past weekend, and so I told her about Sara. Not that I had fallen for her, only just what had gone on. But she must of have seen it in my eyes, and considering our emails starting falling off between us, she decided to dump me. I realized then that she had a more emotional attachment to me than she had let on, and I felt bad that I didn't see it. I probably would have responded in kind. I apologized to her for being so insensitive and asked her to reconsider. I told her I needed her to keep me from getting dragged in deeper with Sara. Yeah, I really did say that. I meant it in the most sincere, and flattering way, but boy was that a dumb thing to say.
*** side note - I hadn't had the benefit of insider knowledge from you woman bloggers yet, so be a little more understanding. ;) ***
We're still friends, in fact she sits just 50 feet away from me, and to this day she still gives out signals that she wants to try again. But I just follow her lead, and each time it's straight into a closed door. To this day I'm still wanting her to keep me from getting dragged in too deep with Sara.
So much for not having much to say.
I had wanted to address the issues of affairs but I seemed to have forgotten why. But since I mentioned that I had had two previous affairs, I guess I could at least synopsize them. The first was with a married woman I worked with, or rather worked in the same part of the building as me. I wasn't looking for it, but we became close over time and things took the obvious course. But it never went past the heavy petting stage, and never extended outside the workplace. When things seemed like they were heading that way, I freaked and ran. Disappeared as much as I could considering the situation. I didn't say more than 10 words to her afterwards and looking back now, I was an asshole.
But the thrill of having that 'second' life never left me. Less than a year later, another woman moved into my office. Her name was Monica. She was married as well. I did set my sights on her. Within a couple weeks we became good friends and we both put out enough signals that we wanted to take this farther. And we did. She was perfect. Looks of a model, but a personality like 'one of the guys'. She was the party-type, but still exuded a lot of class. I didn't realize it at that time but looking back at the relationship we could pretty much call ourselves fuck buddies. We never let it spill outside of the workplace/time environment. It was the perfect situation. I was still with her when I met Sara. I wasn't looking for another affair - I was in the perfect one already. But it was too late because I had already fallen for her. With Monica, we always told of our exploits over the past weekend, and so I told her about Sara. Not that I had fallen for her, only just what had gone on. But she must of have seen it in my eyes, and considering our emails starting falling off between us, she decided to dump me. I realized then that she had a more emotional attachment to me than she had let on, and I felt bad that I didn't see it. I probably would have responded in kind. I apologized to her for being so insensitive and asked her to reconsider. I told her I needed her to keep me from getting dragged in deeper with Sara. Yeah, I really did say that. I meant it in the most sincere, and flattering way, but boy was that a dumb thing to say.
*** side note - I hadn't had the benefit of insider knowledge from you woman bloggers yet, so be a little more understanding. ;) ***
We're still friends, in fact she sits just 50 feet away from me, and to this day she still gives out signals that she wants to try again. But I just follow her lead, and each time it's straight into a closed door. To this day I'm still wanting her to keep me from getting dragged in too deep with Sara.
So much for not having much to say.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 6:37 AM
10 Comments:
Ah. This answers many questions...such as why you wouldn't leave your marriage, and why you wouldn't just ask your wife to have a true open relationship. Thanks for your candor here. --VM--
VM - I'm not sure what you read into this, but I don't think it answers any of those questions. Or am I missing something?
I think this line answers those questions:
"But the thrill of having that 'second' life never left me."
It's not neccessarily a bad thing-just something true about you.
I'm certainly not going to be the "pot" (so to speak) here_I enjoyed the secret for awhile, although now I realize I never want to live like that again.
Yes, the 'second' life was the reason for my second affair, and possibly the third, and most definately my inevitable fourth. It would definately answer those questions relative to the first two (and any pending) affairs. But in regards to Sara, it has nothing to do with why I wouldn't want to leave my marriage, or ask for an open one.
The post I had opted not to write was comparing how each were different from each other. And how each presented me with different circumstances to deal with.
query: why choose to stay married and know that you will have affairs that are inevitable and that you will have to lie about?
Is the thrill really that great?
Do you think about those you harm in the process?
anon2 -
it's my choice
yes
no
Here's why you wouldn't leave wife for Sara: because the thrill of the double life is too great. Sara can't be Wife Two because someone else would inevitably become the new double. And you wouldn't ask for an open marriage - to give your wife the choice that you have made - because then there's no secret thrill (by definition?). And I don't know if it's safe to say the double (or triple, etc) life is -not- a bad thing. In other words, I think it normally is and ends up being a bad thing. Most people don't live well with the level of fragmentation necessary to pull it off. It makes them physically and psychically ill. And I have never ever once heard of an instance when someone - a spouse - discovered evidence of the other life/lives - and said, 'Oh, hmm. I don't care. I'm glad you've been sleeping with others while I was home unaware.' The double life - whether sexual or not (eg, secrets about money, drugs, addictions, etc) - never pleases the unaware partner. 2ยข. --VM--
VM - Although I'll agree that's true in most cases, I don't believe its true with Sara and me. I truly, deep down to the core of my soul, love her. If not more than, at least as much as I love my kids. Am I foolish enough to believe that if we did have a life together that I'd never have the urge to stray? No. But knowing the sacrifices we both would have made to be together, I could guarantee it would never happen.
So, despite urges to stray you wouldn't with Sara? So you can give up the "thrill." But you almost entered into a third affair *while* you were "with" Sara (and married to your "unsuspecting" wife.
Good points by VM, esp. regarding the unhealthiness of secret lives "The double life - whether sexual or not (eg, secrets about money, drugs, addictions, etc) - never pleases the unaware partner."
With a dark cloud of lying, deceit and infidelity hanging over your relationship, you really think that if you and Sara were togther you could trust each other?
I agree with anon. You were ready to move on to a third one. Or am I mistaken and this was just to fill a gap?
You have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Sara is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my (our as she is/was willing) need?"
in all honesty and candor you own your choices. You're the one who is running your marriage in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your wife. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility.
If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get some sort of help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
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