Simple
I was in the process of writing a post that would help me view things from Sara's perspective. Fuck it. Its this simple. I'm the cause of our heartaches. She's willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for us to be together. I'm not. I want to reach some middle ground. She doesn't. No amount of understanding will change the fact that my heart breaks when I realize I will never be with her again. The knowledge that I can fix it by leaving my family doesn't ease the ache by any means. The fact that if she did come back it still won't end the cycle of heartaches - and that makes no difference to me. The reality is that if we did see each other again, nothing will have changed and we'll still end up where we're at right now. I don't care. Facts are facts. Reality is reality. And the emotions I feel for Sara run way too deep to just 'let it go'. I'm beginning to feel the desperation she felt when she wanted to just tell her husband about us so all this would end. For better or for worse. Anything. Anything, has to feel better than this.
Except, maybe, watching the devastation afterwards. Shit.
Except, maybe, watching the devastation afterwards. Shit.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 9:33 AM
4 Comments:
Your blog, or at least this post, should be required reading for anyone considering an affair. If only we could all learn through another's mistakes.
Kayten - I can't expect this to ever keep anyone else from venturing into an affair if I know it won't even stop me from doing so if there is a next time. But I do know where the pitfalls lie and hopefully others will learn to recognize them before they fall too deep.
I second Kayten's observation. Its somethings I have said in my own blog.
It's so difficult to accept the limitations of an affair,
a few months/ a year or two into it, and one or the other person's heart is SOOOO invested, that they can't help but wish it was permanent, that there were not those limitations of time, communcation, physical presence...
Even those of us who go into this with eyes wide open, where both parties have no desire to marry, EVER to each other, there is still the nagging wish, for more....., for security, for the simple boring day to day that husband and wife share, for no limitations, for EVERYTHING.... to be TOTAL to be ONE in everything, and in every way,...
Well, that nagging feeling, just will not go away because the logical brain says "SORRY NO CAN DO.... this is all you get"
Very difficult to balance on top of the fence of heart and logic.
Perhaps impossible in the long run.
And eventually, all affairs end.
retirement, death, illness, being found out, or just the heart splits in two, and there is more misery than joy any longer.
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