Angry.
I'm really angry at her right now. Probably no different than any other time she's left, and it passes, but for some odd reason I'm questioning myself if I even have the right to be (angry). I look back at the last conversation we had where she had called me (last Thursday). Since my schedule was wide open, we were going to try to fit in some phone sex. She called that morning to tell me that her day wasn't looking so good and I told her we'd just play it by ear. Since I had nothing going on, I'd be available the moment she called if time did open up for her. No sweat. Up until this time, I was never expecting a call from her, yet that made 4 days in a row now. Well, of course, now I was expecting a call. And it never came. It would figure. By late Friday afternoon I was getting that gut feeling so I called her. Within seconds my fears were allayed since she was very happy to hear from me, and actually fell into her 'seductive' voice. But the feeling was temporary. She proceeded to tell me she had thrown away the numbers the day before (not very long after she got off the phone with me). That's when I knew my fears were correct. But the conversation was good because she was still all there, and when I got off the phone I was feeling good about things. Not happy she bailed again, but I was feeling good about our week.
The anger set in when I realized (yesterday) that our conversation on that Thursday was intended (by her) to be our last. Considering it was short and more a 'matter of fact' phone call, that sucks. Do I have a right to be angry?
The anger set in when I realized (yesterday) that our conversation on that Thursday was intended (by her) to be our last. Considering it was short and more a 'matter of fact' phone call, that sucks. Do I have a right to be angry?
posted by do_in_it_2 | 8:00 AM
3 Comments:
IMO, no.
You have a right to any feeling you feel. Was she wrong? NO! Let her go. She is trying to move on. She doesn't want what you can give her. She wants more. You are not willing to give her more. So it's time to let her go. She is clearly showing you that that is what she needs from you right now. As hard as it may be it is what you have to do. Good luck! Sorry for your pain.
Hugs
Des
I think maybe you need to look at it that she is not really escaping YOU but the CONTROL you have over her. Whether you choose to exert it or not, it is always there for her. Even if you choose NOT to exert it, she feels the absence of it. It is this third thing that rules her life which is invisible to you, and because you don't see it, you don't get it. I am going through this same thing with D right now. And always. He is doing everything right as a platonic friend, really trying to respect my boundaries, but the memories of what were hang with me. As long as he is in my life in any way they will always control me, and those are what I need to escape, much more than him as he is now. Make sense at all?
Ironically, the very control he has over me is outside his own control now. In my escape, there is nothing he can do to rescind it. I can see that he can be angry at me sometimes because he is trying everything and I still need my space and distance and my own idea of freedom from the memories of him which haunt me. He tells me the pain will never fully go away, and he may be right, but it's much less when he's not unconciously inflicting it on me simply by being a presence in my life.
Unfortunately, his always coming back and never letting go but never giving me everything means that in my mind, even when I think I've escaped that control, I know it's never going to be complete. Even the day he dies I know I will get a call from his brother-in-law. It's a door which, once opened, can never be closed and yet can never be fully opened again. I have to deal with the occasional slamming or draught - the lifetime pain to myself that my actions have caused. At the risk of hubris, I think this may be a little of what Sara is going through also. Putting herself and her pain management first and ignoring how it affects you. As it should be.
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