Double Standard?
Around me some women bloggers are getting their lovers back. There is an outpouring of support from their readers and most of them seem to be happy for them. Over here, nothing. Virtual silence.
I find that curious.
I find that curious.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 3:18 PM
11 Comments:
Yup
Long time reader, and I observed the varying response a while back.
I think women are always seen as the 'victim', and that women dont actively seek out affairs.
Its sad.
Mermaid Girl, Badgirl, most of them all got 'supportive' responses.
Well at the end of the day, everyones playing with fire.
If it's any consolation I don't have my lover back...I am just playing with fire as per.
I think bloggers have a core group of readers who support their decisions pretty much irrespective of if they agree with them or not. The readers who disagree just read and shake their heads in amazement and leave it at that.
I have always thought you come across as a strong person and you respond to commentors with a level head and remain objective. Perhaps this is why people don't feel the need to handle you with kid gloves as much as other bloggers who are a bit more sensitive.
I am very happy for you that Sara is back, but more so I am happy for you that you are happy :)
MG
Of course I realize that Sara comes and goes, and that's probably why the ho-hum response, but the fact that she's been gone for almost 4 months this time, it is a little different than usual. But I don't consider her 'back' per se.
Probably because she really can never be.
MG is on track here I think. And here's the deal too (along the lines of anon #1): Women are typically seen as being 'cheated on,' being 'victimized' by men who cheat. So a woman who comes out and starts an affair may be seen (by other women, certainly) as a hero, in some sense...someone responding to passion, desire, etc. The man having the affair may still be seen as a cad or as callous. This may be a 'romanticism effect,' if you like. In your case, there's also the element that you have mostly asserted that you will not be leaving your wife/family. This, plus the four-year duration, marks the relationship with Sara as 'affair' for some people, no doubt. Meaning, it's not viewed as a romantic, sweeping, passionate thing that could end up with the hero and heroine living happily ever after (together). And you know me (as well as you can, given this forum): I'm happy when people live with integrity, feel whole, and trot over as few toes as possible. --VM--
I had to delete a previous comment, not for my sake, but because it totally inappropriately bashed other bloggers. Please feel free to tell me exactly what you think of me, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT use my blog as a forum to bash others.
are we really "back", or we are tiptoeing around...
seeing if what we have can fit into our lives somehow
or if we are really seeing if our lives need to change to fit our lovers?
(I decided to repost the deleted comment but deleting the offending part. He, she, they took the time to voice their opinion and its an opinion that should be shared. It's too bad he/she/they had to resort to vicious personal attack)
Yeah, kinda what they said. Men are looked upon as assholes if they cheat - women not so much. Double standard.
**snipped**
Oh, now where was I?
Everyone IS playing with fire. All of the cheaters - will be caught - you will pay, in some way, shape or form. But for those of you who are married with chidren - how can you justify staying with your spouse because of the children - when what you are doing by cheating is clearly without those very children in mind?
It's a joke - hypocritical, and outright disgusting.
Do you honestly believe your lovers when they tell you they "love" you? THEY LOVE TO FUCK YOU AND USE YOU!!!! Do you honestly believe them when they tell you that they are ONLY fucking you? 9 out of 10 of them are cheating on you, too. What makes your "relationship" any different? it's not.
Been there, done that - and back again.
Sara is trying to be strong - you are breaking her down. But at least you ADMIT to that.
God help all the children (and spouses) involved in your messes.
CarrieAnn & Bob
Now I can comment on the previous comment.
I'm not really sure why ADMITTING to that should make any difference in your opinion of me. You choose not to personally bash me. Why? You been there, done that, and are back again. Back again where? Doing it again? Wishing you were? Wishing the person you had done it with didn't dump you? Or is it that now your spouse has been there, done that, and that causes you to resent everybody else?
We can learn from others, but you just need to know how to teach it. Would you have responded positively to the diatribe you spewed (that I had deleted)? I would doubt that.
Try a little harder to reach your audiences' ears - they won't hear much if you're bashing them on the head at the same time.
I'm another variation on the affair/lover theme. After having a relationship with another woman for four months, I couldn't take the tension/guilt anymore and I told my wife of 23 years I was in love with another woman. This really was playing with fire, and everyone involved got burned. Several tumultuous months after that my wife and I split up, she left the country and I've been with the other woman ever since - and I've loved it, and I love her. I'm one of those personalities that can handle just one woman and one relationship at a time; the few months when I was involved in two relationships (one with lots of sex, one with none) was really tough on me, both women and my children, and it finally resolved as per above: I changed my life to fit my lover, as bellacara might say..
Another variation is the affair one of brothers has had for the last seven years. Eight years into his marriage he got involved with another woman, but he's stayed with his wife. I must say I don't understand my own kin and blood when, every time we talk, he complains about his wife (with whom he says he has no sex), says he's madly in love with the other woman (with he says he has lots of sex) and.....keeps it that way, not getting a divorce, but not dropping the other woman either. This, to me, is an pretty good example of the other scenario that bellacara mentions, wherein my brother's fitting what has, somehow, into his life..
I know, there are any number of possible explanations for this behavior, but my point is, we're all over the place, as human beings, in our dealings with the opposite sex. En fin, the human mind is a marvelous, mysterious mechanism that allows us to rationalize just about anything we want to do; that's what makes these blogs so interesting....
Well, you know when I have voiced myself that I am fairly consistent in my support or general lack there of.
But yes, I do think there is a double-standard. Its sad.
Overall, I am with Vm, "I'm happy when people live with integrity, feel whole, and trot over as few toes as possible"
Well, I've tried to only speak up when I've had something supportive to say. I've been quiet on a lot of these blogs lately or just wishing people the best with what choices they are making. I talk to you, DII2, so often via IM that I don't really comment here much anymore. But I resonate more with seeing people make decisions out of strength (like Bellacara) rather than weakness (like some of yours seem to be ... when you are strong you do nothing!) ... regardless as to whether they are "good" decisions or "bad", men or women. That also goes for decisions which are made when the blogger makes no decision but lets the world happen to them, which is the victim-mentality approach I tend to not respond positively to very much.
Just my two cents' worth.
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