It Worked.
Sara called me this morning to thank me for her gift. And my heart is still pounding. She received it on Saturday but had to hide it before she had a chance to open it. It worked perfectly. She caught all the hints and memories that I hide inside and it made her so excited the whole weekend, her husband even asked her what was up. We had a wonderful conversation, but she's still trying to stay strong. All her words told me she still wants me, wants us, even if its just part-time. But her resolve says otherwise. I asked her how 99% of her 'being' pulls her one way, yet the 1% keeps her on course. She points to her husband and said she would feel horrible if he were to be living a lie. I, of course, reminded her that he already is, and unless she can erase me from her mind totally, always will be.
Apparently she was waiting for me to call her all last week. When Friday came and went without a word from me, she was depressed and even broke down and tried to get into our old joint email account - hoping I left her a birthday wish there. When she couldn't get into that (she used the wrong password) it just made her more sad. So receiving the package on Saturday was perfect timing.
If you remember my last phone conversation with her, I tried to make sure that we kept the conversation lite and casual. I was hoping that the lack of pressure on my part might make it easier for her to talk more often. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, it backfired. She said it took her almost 2 weeks to get over that call. Mainly because I sounded distant to her, and that it appeared that I was moving on. I told her I regretted that as well and promised myself I was not going to hide my feelings if there ever was going to be a next time.
I feel like today will carry me for forever. But I know it'll just be a matter of time where I begin to doubt her feelings for me again. How is that possible? Am I that insecure? But I do know, the desire to see her only grows stronger by day. And I need to see her. I want to see her.
And I told her so.
Apparently she was waiting for me to call her all last week. When Friday came and went without a word from me, she was depressed and even broke down and tried to get into our old joint email account - hoping I left her a birthday wish there. When she couldn't get into that (she used the wrong password) it just made her more sad. So receiving the package on Saturday was perfect timing.
If you remember my last phone conversation with her, I tried to make sure that we kept the conversation lite and casual. I was hoping that the lack of pressure on my part might make it easier for her to talk more often. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, it backfired. She said it took her almost 2 weeks to get over that call. Mainly because I sounded distant to her, and that it appeared that I was moving on. I told her I regretted that as well and promised myself I was not going to hide my feelings if there ever was going to be a next time.
I feel like today will carry me for forever. But I know it'll just be a matter of time where I begin to doubt her feelings for me again. How is that possible? Am I that insecure? But I do know, the desire to see her only grows stronger by day. And I need to see her. I want to see her.
And I told her so.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 8:42 AM
2 Comments:
Wow. I'm a bit nervous for you both. To bring everything back to the surface again, yet what is different this time? (I am soon to find out that question myself so I'm not being hypocritical here.)
I just started reading your Blog and I must first commend you on your strength in letting your guard down so fully and honestly and completely. I have a world of respect for you in that mere fact alone.
I have no answers for you. No words of wisdom. Not much of anything at all really. But I do wish that you find the answers and peace of mind that you're searching for...wherever, however...and in the meantime...stay true to who you are deep inside. That's sometimes easier said than done...but you're already ahead in this game we call life because you're real about it...and not many people can even say that for themselves.
Take Care,
Debra
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