What Will It Take?
My anger has subsided, as usual, and is replaced with disappointment. Disappointment in her, and in myself for allowing her to escape once again. Just what will it take for me to finally let her go? I understand what 'us' is doing to her, and I understand why she has problems living with my suggested compromises. But that's the rub. I look at this as an unsolved problem. Like the prospect of peace in the Middle East, this relationship has everything stacked against it. But there is an equitable solution. Somewhere. Somehow. I really felt the vacation analogy would help her deal with the reality of it all. But what she doesn't want to believe is that one of the biggest parts in this reality is the slim to none chance that we will stop wanting each other. She refuses to address that issue. She hopes that 'want' will just go away. And I refuse to be the bad guy that makes that happen.
Although it appeared that I lured her into coming back this last time, as it turns out, she was already on her way back. If she had remembered the password, she would have been back before she even received my package. You would think she knew I would welcome her back with my arms wide open, yet she has said it's always a concern for her. She keeps thinking the last time will be when 'enough is enough' with me.
I wrote this post mainly to help myself answer this nagging question that's been running through my mind all week. "Why am I letting her leave again without more of a fight?" In the past it was because I wanted her 'experience' to be pleasant and free from pressure so that she would do it again more often. It couldn't have gotten any more pleasant and pressure-free than it was last week. Let's see if she comes back sooner. I hope so because its a whole 4 months before our 5th anniversary. I can't wait that long to have an excuse to be luring her back again.
Although it appeared that I lured her into coming back this last time, as it turns out, she was already on her way back. If she had remembered the password, she would have been back before she even received my package. You would think she knew I would welcome her back with my arms wide open, yet she has said it's always a concern for her. She keeps thinking the last time will be when 'enough is enough' with me.
I wrote this post mainly to help myself answer this nagging question that's been running through my mind all week. "Why am I letting her leave again without more of a fight?" In the past it was because I wanted her 'experience' to be pleasant and free from pressure so that she would do it again more often. It couldn't have gotten any more pleasant and pressure-free than it was last week. Let's see if she comes back sooner. I hope so because its a whole 4 months before our 5th anniversary. I can't wait that long to have an excuse to be luring her back again.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 2:24 PM
3 Comments:
Maybe the question is, what will it take for you to understand that Sara simply isn't cut out for the compartmentalization which a long-term affair requires? That there may never be a way that she actually feels "good" about what you have together, and just some ways that make her feel less "bad" than others? That maybe there are more important things than desire, at least until you and she reach a point like Bellacara and Dan, in pragmatically discussing life changes so that you can be together?
Maybe not, but just trying to help show you what her point of view might be as always. ;-)
Kayten's echoing what some of us have been saying for a long time now. It's shit or get off the pot. And at this point, I'm wondering what the appeal is anymore. You haven't had sex in months. You haven't even held her hand in months. Other than last week, you hadn't communicated in months. Most people would consider those things signs of a -done- relationship. Also, it's got to gnaw at her that though she has given you symbolic ultimatums (uh, what do you think all this 'leaving' has been about anyway?) you have not taken the bait, so to speak. Simply sending secret 'I'm thinking of you' messages is not the same as arriving on her doorstep to announce you're going to whisk her off to a lifetime of love, marriage, etc. *That's* what she wants, obviously. Honestly, who gets into a relationship - affair or otherwise - thinking, 'I can't wait for this end in a ball of flaming heartache, agonies, recrimination, and guilt!'? People get into relationships for desire, companionship, connection, etc...and if they find these things in an affair, then naturally they ponder the affair supplanting the (ailing) marriage. And extremely few people are, sad to say, honestly and wholly non-monogamous. I mean that very few people have multiple (sexual) simultaneous relationships, happy and contented in all of them, and feeling as if their entire being is honored and validated through nonmonogamy. Most people are monogamous, value monogamy, believe in 'true love,' and fervently desire to find a 'true love' to whom they can devote themselves. Sara does -not- seem to be a person who is capable of or interested in non-monogamy for its own sake. And if you refuse to even entertain the idea of ending your marriage to be with her & raise her family, etc, then it seems hard to believe that she would ever get comfortable taking occasional 'vacations' from her less-than-satisfying life, vacations that don't honor her fondest dreams and hopes for herself and her life. Apologies for length...--VM--
Kayten - What makes more sense to me, and I seem to remember her saying this once, is that she feels bad for feeling good about us. That's where most of her guilt is, or was, derived from.
VM - Like most guys, if there's still good reading material, our shit could be long over but we aren't getting off the pot just yet. ;)
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