In My Defense.
VM left a comment that seems to echo most peoples sentiments and I'd like to try to shine a little more light on what I see was/is the common thread that has bound us together for almost 5 years. And I'll try not to oversimplify. Sara never made the conscience decision to have an affair. Including that very first day. So on those mornings when she'd wake up and realize her actions were indicative of one, she left me. No discussion, no goodbyes. Just left. Guilt was the driving factor for the most part.
I honestly didn't have a clue why she would come back, and how she resolved the guilt issue, but she did. Is has only been the past year of blogging and (more recently) her opening herself up totally to me that I came to a better understanding of what brings her back. Our relationship can be looked upon as very complicated involving many layers. Or... as I see it.... very simple with actual *gasp* love driving our needs/desires to be with each other.
It's possible her recent insistance on the 'all or nothing' approach is a way to resolve the guilt issue that has constantly plagued her. If I want her, she is now insisting that I make an honest woman of her. I do. Oh gawd how much I want to. But I can't.
I honestly didn't have a clue why she would come back, and how she resolved the guilt issue, but she did. Is has only been the past year of blogging and (more recently) her opening herself up totally to me that I came to a better understanding of what brings her back. Our relationship can be looked upon as very complicated involving many layers. Or... as I see it.... very simple with actual *gasp* love driving our needs/desires to be with each other.
It's possible her recent insistance on the 'all or nothing' approach is a way to resolve the guilt issue that has constantly plagued her. If I want her, she is now insisting that I make an honest woman of her. I do. Oh gawd how much I want to. But I can't.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 8:25 AM
4 Comments:
What I can't figure out is why you spend so much time trying to anyalize this situation? I mean why not just let her go and free the both of you? I guess I either don't understand or I think what you are doing is very unhealthy and yes selfish. Though we're all selfish in our own right so I wouldn't take that as an insult or anything.
Hugs
Des
What sort of responsibility do we have to those we love? Are we responsible for keeping them from harm, self-recrimination, shame, guilt? Are we responsible for not (further) harming them by tapping in them their most-reviled feelings (in her case, guilt)? It is true that Sara has 'free will,' but clearly she does not have any power or control to be in your relationship free and clear. The marriages get in the way of that, and moreover, she has no free will to force you to leave yours (so that she can get what she wants). If she never wanted to be in an affair, then maybe she really wanted to be in a relationship with you instead...and she wouldn't be the first woman who'd ever traded her real desires for what she was being offered instead - the tradeoff of deferring what she wanted from you in the hopes that if she waited long enough, you would eventually give her what she really wanted. And her 'leaving' was her realizing - even if fitfully - that her deferred desire for a future with you wasn't satisfying any longer. In some ways, opening the door and/or 'letting' her come back is akin to what the crack or heroin dealer says; 'Hey, I'm just minding my own, quietly holding my product, and my customers come to me. Is it my fault if they come back for what I'm selling?' In other words: what responsibility do you owe her - out of love - to cut off her ability to come back repeatedly when you know it helps her harm herself, in essence? [I pray that you know none of this is meant as some attack on you. I don't have enough discretionary time to be wasting it attacking you, frankly, and I'm really just thinking aloud with you/in your direction.] i'm also feeling as if I'd truly like to know what you love about her and *why* you love her...give me some emotional context (I'm a chick, after all). Thanks for being so honest with us all the time... --VM--
*sigh*
VM you have such an ablility to put into words how I feel (and perhaps Sara) when the right words elude me. I have "traded my own real desires for what was being offered instead". Initially it was fulfilling but as time has passed I am left feeling rather empty - knowing it will never be more than what it is when we are together.
Des - I analyze more for others sake than mine. I love her. Truly, deeply love her. I want to be with her every minute of the day. I (now) totally get love songs, love poems, and romance. I feel my heart being hugged even when I'm only talking to her on the phone. And I feel my heart tear apart when I know I've hurt her in some way. And I don't say that figuratively, I mean I actually feel it for real.
VM - I guess what I just said to Des probably answers your question as well. But to be more specific: how her eyes can speak to me, her smile, her laugh. Her bouts of jealousy. Her strength in life, her weakness with me. When we make love, how it brings us both to tears. And how sex with her is a truly raw, and unbridled experience.
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