Those Ocassional Nudges
Kayten, in an earlier comment, talks about how she feels my nudges make Sara succumb to the pressure she faces, and fights, daily. I agree to a point, however my nudges only give her an excuse to do what she really wants to do. Maybe it reduces the guilt if she feels she isn't instigating it? For what its worth, my nudges are the result of my succumbing to the almost daily pressure of needing to contact her as well. So in that respect I guess I do control when those times occur.
At the risk of sounding extremely selfish, if I were to walk away from something that I don't want to leave, what's in it for me? After all, I'm only human. But give me a little credit for trying to alleviate the pressure from my end. If I were only considering my wants and my desires, there are probably a lot of things I could be doing, and saying, that would keep her around more often.
For what its worth, I had another perfect opportunity to nudge her. I was visiting a place she used to frequent often with her kids last year. It was very difficult being there knowing she could have been there at the same time if she had known. No, I don't feel good about resisting the urge to nudge her. I feel regret.
At the risk of sounding extremely selfish, if I were to walk away from something that I don't want to leave, what's in it for me? After all, I'm only human. But give me a little credit for trying to alleviate the pressure from my end. If I were only considering my wants and my desires, there are probably a lot of things I could be doing, and saying, that would keep her around more often.
For what its worth, I had another perfect opportunity to nudge her. I was visiting a place she used to frequent often with her kids last year. It was very difficult being there knowing she could have been there at the same time if she had known. No, I don't feel good about resisting the urge to nudge her. I feel regret.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 7:30 AM
9 Comments:
I think this is why most of your readership doubts that you truly, deeply, fully love Sara. Because real love, at least as most of us long to feel it and believe in it, means selflessness. Does anyone else agree with this or am I alone?
The old 'if you love her you'll let her go' adage? Anybody agree with me that that is crap?
In every aspect I have always tried to be absolutely, totally selfless towards her. 'Always tried' is the important, and defining phrase here. Don't use my honesty of admitting a tinge of normal human selfishness as a reason to negate my true, deep and full love for Sara.
I ask again. What do I get out of walking away from her? The feeling and knowing that I've walked away from somebody who deep down doesn't want me to walk away? Replay that boring, overly used, and infuriating scene in the movie where you know they both love each other but think they are doing the other a favor by walking away?
Yes, I know, I know, I know that if I can't go away, I should then give her/us what we both want. Obviously since I can even entertain such an idea I can't possibly love my family that much.
(Kayten, none of this is directed at you, I'm just throwing it all out in frustration)
No offense taken; I would love to see how your normally very astute and articulate readers weigh in on this.
Life isn't a movie, though. She wants the happy ending that you can't or won't give her. No movie ever ends with people still compromising, straddling two worlds, never fully in one or the other.
I think the reason people shouldn't have affairs isn't that it's morally wrong, just that it's SO DAMN HARD to end without a lot of pain; sometimes more pain than the pleasure was worth.
Just my two cents.
If you truly love someone, you follow their lead and not do anything to cause them anymore pain.
By way of personal experience, if Dan says that he needs time to think by himself without seeing me, I wouldn't push myself upon him, even though it hurts not to see him.
Plus why would I want to push myself on someone who doesn't want me in their life right now? Who finds my presence unsettling and emotional?
What does Sara want?
do it in 2, it is an addiction, an obsession. knowing what is right and doing it are two different things. i understand where your head and heart are in this. i have no words of wisdom for you, just some understanding.
Here's a corollary tto consider. You are addicted to crack cocaine. I know this. You say you want to stop, but you don't - you keep using. When you come to me for money for your habit, I give it to you. I argue that I'd rather give you the money and keep you alive than hear that you've died from withdrawal or something. Am I keeping you alive or helping you die slowly? Am I keeping you alive by supporting this negative habit/addiction you have (and don't want to have, you say)? Am I helping you stay alive and addicted because I am too weak to deal with the possibility or reality of death? In other words - is your crack addiction partically about me and my selfish needs? I offer this analogy because I think it's close to this situation. You can love someone - knowing every little thing about them, feeling honored and respected by them, admiring them, feeling greater and grander because of their support and love - and *still* be selfish or self-centered. You can love Sara in this full-fledged, mature, fully aware way and still be selfish in the way you wish to put that love into play. You know what she wants (and probably has always wanted) from you but you will not seriously entertain it. Instead, you wish to keep meeting your need for her, on your terms and carried out to your satisfaction. It is this apparent reality that some of us are responding to and feeling some confusion about, I suspect. I appreciate your honesty in this forum, Sir. --VM--
The old 'if you love her you'll let her go' adage? Anybody agree with me that that is crap?
That is a double edged sword...Q has sprung that line on me before and I wrote it off as a pathetic excuse to hide behind to disguise his general apathy...yet there are times in my feelings towards him when I can see his point.
I read your blog all the time and can emphathise with you at times and at times with her.
I truly don't think there is a right or wrong, because every action and every reaction is so variable, can be viewed (or even judged) in so many different contexts.
Every affair is so different, the funamentals are similar but it is the dynamics of the two people involved that make it differ so wildly...therefore I believe there is no black and white....no right and wrong.
All I can do is wish you both luck and happiness...what form that takes is up to you and not for any of us to judge.
BC - I pretty much try to respect her wishes all the time. But I'm only human. What does Sara want? I'm almost certain she doesn't really know either. She has always put out mixed signals, unlike your Dan who tells you exactly what's on his mind.
tme - her/our daily presence in each others lives was definately an addiction. and its this addiction she doesn't want to fall back into. otherwise i'm certain she'd want to communicate on a routine basis.
VM - if you were to continue in the reasoning (in your corollary) then the crack cocaine would be okay if she used it fulltime.
I'm enjoying reading the responses on both our blogs, to both questions/issues.
Obviously I'm no authority on what should be done or how things should be. My own addiction to D has gone through so many changes, until it becomes something we are both happy with. We're never fully out of each other's lives. But at least in its current incarnation, it's like taking the nicotine out of the cigarette ... I'm still an addict, but I am learning to accept a much healthier substitute for the poison.
Post a Comment
<< Home