Totally Blindsided
It comes as no surprise that this is usually how it happens. But for some reason I was certain this time was different. It felt like she had settled into a good place. I can give several examples of why I felt that, what made this time so different, but it makes no difference now. I was mistaken. In the timespan of lunch, she progressed from emailing me, asking me to list all the ways I want to make love to her, to calling me an hour later and asking me to walk away and promise I won't come back. She didn't even wait for me to finish that list.
That last conversation was a mixture of laughing and crying. I'm sure she was joking and laughing to keep from breaking down, but as usual I tried hard to refrain from 'talking' her back. I only defended myself when she'd - as usual - doubt my true love for her. And whenever I'd say something that touched her heart she'd shoot back that I'm just a damn charmer and so full of shit. I know these are all self-defense things she needs to do, but it's not easy to listen to.
Kayten mentioned about the 'jinx' whenever she assigns a guy his own special ring on her phone. For me it has always been whenever I'd make the decision to recharge our phone card. When she called, she noticed it'd been recharged and laughed saying I should have known better. I guess I should have known better.
That last conversation was a mixture of laughing and crying. I'm sure she was joking and laughing to keep from breaking down, but as usual I tried hard to refrain from 'talking' her back. I only defended myself when she'd - as usual - doubt my true love for her. And whenever I'd say something that touched her heart she'd shoot back that I'm just a damn charmer and so full of shit. I know these are all self-defense things she needs to do, but it's not easy to listen to.
Kayten mentioned about the 'jinx' whenever she assigns a guy his own special ring on her phone. For me it has always been whenever I'd make the decision to recharge our phone card. When she called, she noticed it'd been recharged and laughed saying I should have known better. I guess I should have known better.
posted by do_in_it_2 | 6:50 AM
5 Comments:
I'm sorry it was so short-lived. But you could be onto something with the jinx of recharging the phone card. If she needs the freedom to come and go at will, then she might see your recharging it as a string to her. And unless you are tying her to your side with a ring on her left third finger, I get the feeling she doesn't want to be tied to you at all.
She does sound like she is very conflicted about the affair with her accusations, etc.; almost as if she had a religious upbringing and has to "split" herself somehow to accept that she has the desires she does and makes the choices she does while still having her "good girl" life of wife and mother. She seems to have these categories of acceptability in her mind, departing from them only momentarily in response to a need, and if something doesn't clearly fit in somewhere she wants to shut it out altogether.
Maybe that's a real stretch but she doesn't sound like the kind of person who can shrug her shoulders, say, "it is what it is," and enjoy it to its fullest extent for only that. Kind of like you do.
In most all cases, she had no idea I had refilled the card. In this particular instance, since I've joked about it in the past, she was going to email me 'not' to refill the card because she was thinking of dumping my ass. She decided to call me instead, and that's when she discovered it was too late.
Obviously the money means nothing, and I do appreciate that she was trying to keep this painful situation as light as possible.
So is this finally it for you and the idea of her 'being back'? Are you ready to move on and maybe out figure some other aspects of your life? --VM--
If you dont mind me asking, do you think she loves you?
Do you think she would leave her husband to be with you?
Obviously she would want certain things from you, or things to happen, but if given the chance, would she?
LTR
Just when I thought she was back, she does it again. *sigh* I think she DOES love you, that is why she comes and goes. Each time she returns it is with the hope that the 2 of you will be together - not you just seeing her on the side. That is not enough for her.
I understand your frustration, but Sara is not able savour the time you have together and accept it for what it is. She wants all or...nothing.
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