Late.

I just re-read my last post and realized I should have updated you a lot sooner than this. Yes, she has been reading my emails since the last one she left me. Yet, she still chooses to remain hidden. She had out-patient surgery last Monday and I was hoping - and yes, nudging her via email - she would let me know if all went well. Since she never said a word, I called her yesterday. Even though I had no expectations from the call other than to hear how things went, I was still left feeling discouraged. Discouraged that she still expends so much energy fighting me. Fighting us. She's all excited about a project she's working on for her husbands new business. It takes her back to her days in school doing what she's trained to do. I loved hearing the excitement in her voice, and loved her telling me how bad she wants my opinion on it. But she refuses to send me pictures because, as she puts it, "we know where that will lead". Yes I do. So, whats so damn wrong with that? Don't answer that - its rhetorical.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Sara surfaced yesterday after remaining quiet for about 3 weeks. But an email she left me last night has me wondering if she's gone already.

i've changed haven't i? i used to bounce back after disappointments, after fights,etc. i'm not bouncing back & there seems to be another one on top of another one. they're uncontrollable disappointments but they are still disappointments. the hurt, the pain, the disappointments are far outweighing the happiness.
i know i can here you right now. lol "cause u don't ever let me see you. let me tell you i love u in person. etc. etc. etc." it hasn't been that long ago - you remember what those times do to me.

i feel like i've said this a 100 different ways (i actually have). this time i'll only say ---- "please forgive me."

What threw me for a loop was her last sentence. If it said "please do the right thing and close down the email.", then the email makes sense. I was expecting that. But to apologize? For what? That was totally unexpected. Then it hit me this morning. She ran out of ways to tell me, so instead she's hoping I forgive her for leaving - once again.

Since this is the week when she will start having some free time, I think she surfaced only to let me know she's not in the right place - for me. I'm just curious if she'll just go back to hiding, or if she will really make an attempt to stop reading my emails. Time will tell.