Hangup Part II

We accomplished in a morning what normally took a week. Sara started off the morning with an email telling me how happy she is, what a wonderful summer she's having, how good sex is with hubby, etc. etc. (Next week will be the festival where we met 5 years ago) Then in an email she tells me shes going to the festival but only because her friends talked her into it. And that if she does good (stays away from me) then she's well on her way. Later email tells me she's tempted to give me a time and place (at the festival). A later email tells me a time and place. Then she says she'd better get fucked by me soon or she'll have the poolboy take care of her. Ok, so we're at the top of the biggest hill now. She goes from being pissed to telling me she hates me because I used the word 'was' when I was referenceing a time I told her being in love with her. She took the past tense to mean that my love was as well. WTF?

So I call her and we have a semi-heated discussion where she acuses me of this being only a ploy to trap her. And that it always has been like that. Basically saying love has nothing to do with why I'm around all these years. The last thing she says before hanging up is "now I know what you've wanting all along. its the same thing everybody around me wants. my legs open and my mouth shut!" Double WTF? The topic of sex never entered into this phone conversation. But obviously its what was driving every comment she was making towards me.

By noon we had hit the bottom of the hill. Again.

A Day.

I left Sara this email today. Not that she's checked in almost 2 months, but had to get it off my chest. An overwhelming urge to get it off my chest.

don't know if you care but here's what a bad day is like for me. i start to miss you so much i feel something like an anxiety attack coming on. actually it's probably just an overwhelming urge to call you, but feels the same. i have to go for long walks to try to subdue it, thinking of other things trying to get my mind off you. but seems the more i try, the worse it gets. people i know pass me in the halls or outside and i don't even acknowledge them because my mind is so into thinking of you, or trying not to think of you. then i feel myself starting to break, realizing the only way to have you is for us to be together forever. so now i want to call you to tell you that i'm ready. but then the fear of you telling me no keeps me from calling you. vicious circle that lasts most of the day.

like today.

I know. Sounds pretty pathetic, but it was therapeutic. Thing is..... today she finally checked in. Not really sure I wanted her to read that.

Leaving A Door Open.

I struggle constantly with finding the rationale for why I can't just let this go. I know I can't fool myself into thinking I'll be happier if I just walk away and let time heal the longing I feel for Sara. I also know that I won't fool myself into thinking my life will be joyous if I make the committment to Sara and create our own life for each other. I have a wonderful and fun life, yet I'm not truly happy if Sara isn't in that life in some way. So I foresee the first scenario as being a daily struggle to accept that I will never be truly happy. In the second scenario, I foresee my (now) daily longing to have Sara in my life replaced with a daily heartbreak of seeing how our decision has disrupted the lives of the ones we love. So, my logical brain tries to conjure up a midground where everybody can be happy. Unfortunately, that place always leaves Sara unhappy. So I keep trying.

Started

I've started many posts over the last two weeks, but never would finish them. Seeing what I wrote only convinced me more how unsure I am with what I want to do. I bounce back and forth between my need to contact her - hoping to have that face to face talk - and my need for her to contact me first. Either way, it's become obvious to me that the option to let her go is not even on the table. The way I look at it, as long as I can wait for her to contact me, the better the chance that I will have moved on if I don't hear from her. But there is one concern she has always had, and that is hearing from me years down the line. At a time when she has finally settled into the life she was dealt, she is afraid I will come around and stir up all those emotions again. I have to admit, that will always be a possibility.