The Complete Picture.

I think all the pieces have come together and I'm ashamed to think I really did lead Sara on about our chances of being together. It wasn't on purpose, but after figuring out how she was seeing things, and how she could have interpreted my thoughts, I think that is what happened. It all fell together while I was watching a movie. In one scene, the hero saves the woman, and after being resuscitated she looks up at him with the big "need you" eyes and says "What took you so long?" At that instant I pictured Sara saying the same thing to me if I were to show up at her doorstep. Then the realization hit. She has probably been waiting for me to save her this whole time. Couple that with the recent realization that her 'all or nothing' meant she wanted it all from the very beginning. Then I remembered her song she thinks about me singing to her, which was 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias, it all made perfect sense.

Would you dance
if I asked you to dance?
Would you run
and never look back?
Would you cry
if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by your forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

I feel so horrible not putting it all together long ago. She would always ask me what I was getting out of this. My reply was always something like "because in my gut I feel we'll be together someday". This was a gut feeling, not based on any thoughts of leaving our families, but on the unthinkable of something bad happening that would find us together somehow. I thought she understood that, but I don't think so. Or at least she wanted to read more into it. Hope.

But I know now that she does understand, and because of that she will succeed in staying away. I'm convinced of that and that's probably why I'm having a much easier time in dealing with her being gone. I love her. I miss her. But seeing the complete picture I totally understand now that it never was about her not being satisfied only being my mistress - it never was an option to begin with.

She's Back!

No, just kidding. She did send me this text the day after I locked the account:
thank you. please remember that i did ask you to forgive me. i love you.

Unfortunately, the last words she read from me was something like "you're right, it's much easier when pissed". Maybe that's a good thing (for her) that she feels I'm pissed at her. But I doubt it. I always would have one last email for her to read, to make sure she left with pleasant thoughts. But not this time. Just those words.

It's Over.

Now who really believes that? Things got really scary this past weekend. Sara truly went off the deep end. I think this email I wrote is what set things off.

regret. been thinking alot about that lately. when i ask myself why i can't let you go, the answer is always regret. i know i'll regret it if i stop fighting for you. but i don't know how much longer i can hold onto you. i'm sure your mind is saying 'its about time', but i doubt your heart agrees. but will i also regret waiting for someone who never comes? is there somebody out there who will be content? but then regret i let that happen if you choose to come back? a vicious circle. but i remind myself that my love for you is unconditional, and i won't let that happen.

"is there somebody out there who will be content?" That is what set her off. I guess it prompted a final push from her to make me 'shit or get off the pot' as she put it. Now what's ironic, or sad, is the face she showed while doing this, was about as ugly as it can get. (I have no desire to explain just how ugly) How in the world could she feel I'd have any desire to move on with her after seeing this side of her? I know it was a cumulation of years of frustrations. With herself and with me. But it was pretty much like her beating me with a bat while asking me to decide between her or the road.

Truth be told, I was nearing that point myself as well. I had just started what I felt was a final campaign to get her to come around my way. It was a 4 step process, and she interrupted it before step 2. Of course this is probably a moot point, other than pointing out the fact that I was probably ready to see a final decision made as well.

To her, this common email account we shared was the final thread connecting us. She was unable to severe it by staying away. And I was unable to stop writing her emails. This thread was something she told me I didn't deserve to have. Not if I didn't have the balls to make something together with her. But she had a stroke of genius and had come up with a way to remove this final link between us. She told me if the account stays open, she will anonymously email my wife the account name and password. This assures her that if I choose to continue writing emails, it better be something I won't mind my wife reading. Well, she's got me. Very clever. I locked the account.