Her Decision.

Although Sara has been in and out the past few weeks, I've found it difficult to write about it. I'm not sure why. I still feel she's on a fishing expedition, and as such, I seem to bait her with comments as well. It all stems from her belief that I never had any intentions of wanting to be with her all the time. And although that's true - its not for the reason she still believes. Now she has been confiding in a couple of her friends and they, being good friends, are trying to convince her she is right to believe what she believes. I certainly can't fault them for that.

Through our conversations, she's tries to convince me she never intended for there to be an 'us'. That it was a ploy to scare me away since all her other attempts have failed. And at the same time she would tell me why her friends think that its a bad idea. And why she thinks its a bad idea. Although I don't buy it for a second that she's never wanted to leave her husband for me, what I'm not sure of is why she's trying to convince me of it. Anyway, she now says she will think about it and decide if its something she does want. Go figure.

There is no doubt that if she now seriously considers it, she will see the same obstacles that I see. And I'm hoping she'll realize her decision not to leave her family is not based on her loving me any less.

So what then? I believe the 'all or nothing' comes because of her insecurity in me. She feels that's the only way to know for sure that I'm not just playing her. Everything I've said and done up until now has been with the hope of removing that insecurity. And hopefully her 'all or nothing' attitude goes with it. I then hope she can be happy with whatever I am able to offer her.

Lots of Drama.

A lot has been going down the past couple weeks. So much its tough to keep straight what's happening. I hope to blog about it soon, but just wanted you to know I'm still here. And no, the shit hasn't hit the fan. Just a lot of emotions have come forth.

Went Fishing.

Sara checked in over the weekend. Normally when she leaves, she checks back to read one last email from me. I guess I write one everytime to make sure there is no misunderstandings, or to apologize for anything said that I might regret later. This last time she never came back to read it. Well, considering I waited almost a month to write it, it still took her another month after that before checking back in. I'm not sure if that's what she was looking for, but she read my email several times before sending me a reply. After a very brief exchange of emails, she ended it with:
"i guess it stops here then. i offered once, you turned me down. i will not offer again."

She has not been back.

My guess is, she, like me, is having a hard time moving on. And she, like me, is still holding out hope the other will come around. But if she isn't planning on offering again, then why did she come back? Fishing for something? I think the main point from my initial email is that she went over the edge so quickly, she never really heard anything i was telling her. Or asking her. Maybe she's waiting for me to offer?