Reply

This started out as a reply to a comment, but became more a subject for a new post. VM - Yes, you are correct in everything you say in your comment to my previous post. I did say I find myself heading in that direction, but because of the same reasons you've mentioned, I've kept my distance. My emotions will carry me in directions that my mind has to fight off. And this is the big one. I've made subtle attempts to provide Sara with a safe way of contacting me so we could exchange Holiday wishes, but so far they have gone ignored. I know why. I try to understand why. And I try to except it. But I don't have to like it. She has drawn the line now, and now I truly feel I need to make a decision.

Needless to Say

**revised for clarification**
Today will determine just how my mood will be during, and after the holidays. Oh, come Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I'll definately be enjoying my family. There's enough going on during that short period of time that I won't have time to think. But what will be loitering around in the back of my mind is how Sara has chosen to forget me. Chosen to be more concerned about herself and made the choice to not care about me. This obviously isn't the first time she took this road. But that doesn't mean the hurt isn't still going to cut deep. That doesn't mean that I haven't overestimated the power of true love. *** Which means I have overestimated the power of love. *** Today will be the last chance she will have to get in touch with me before Christmas. I have set myself up for an enormous letdown. Damn those expectations.

Something MG posted the other day is where I feel I'm heading. I can't sit back and let her get away. Of course, she has to feel the same way.

Resignation

I'm resigning from the hope/expectation I had of Sara calling me before the holidays. And because she hasn't you probably have come to the conclusion that after our last conversation things were not good for her. You know that she is not in a great place right now, but a better one than where she'd be if she called me again. You know that all I need to do is tell her I want her all to myself and she'd drop everything to be with only me. But you know I'd hurt 3 other people I love dearly in the process. You know I'm in a special place in her heart. And you know that she spends all of her time either thinking of me, or trying not to think of me.

Now if only I can convince myself.

Afraid

In a comment to my previous post, VM had asked what would be so bad about meeting a new woman. I'm not against doing that, especially if it helps me help Sara move on with her life. The problem comes from a realization that only had occured to me yesterday. Since the moment I laid eyes on this new woman, I had never looked at her in a sexual way. Yes, she is very sexy, but the thought of what a great lay she would be had never entered into my mind. And it still hasn't. That has only happened once before in my life that I can remember. Yes. The time I met Sara. All those feelings I felt that night are identical to what I felt with this new woman. Including not being able to sleep most of the night afterwards. I'm afraid to find out that those deep, one of a kind feelings I had for Sara in reality wasn't so special. And that would really make me feel terrible. Betrayed by my own heart.

Strangers in the Night, Exchanging Glances.

I was asked recently if I would still continue my blog even if Sara does move on for good. I wasn't sure if I would, and figured I'll deal with that when the time comes. Well, something happened over the weekend that made me realize how important writing this blog really is to me. I couldn't wait to tell somebody about what happened, yet it was a thing that I can tell only to you. As has been the case with Sara and me. I 'met' a woman over the weekend. I say that loosely because the situation I was in, it was inappropriate for me to talk to her, much less meet her. But from the first seconds we laid eyes on each other, it was obvious this was not just casual flirting. Throughout the evening we exchanged long, long glances. I'll even go as far to say they were longing glances. Usually those long glances are accompanied by nervousness, and because of that, one or the other would look away. But not these. If it wasn't for the people around her, interupting us, we would probably have 'glanced' all night. There were a few times we were able to talk, but it wasn't in private, so it was just small talk. But even when we seperated, there was this look on her face. In her eyes. That conveyed to me she wanted more. She wanted me to take the next step. This wasn't just once, it happend on three different occasions.

She was beautiful. And therein lies the problem. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized she was identical to Sara. Blonde, slim, perfect lips, perfect eyes. And an awesome, playmate type body. The more I looked at her, the more of Sara's features became apparent. Did I notice this at a subconscience level and that's why I was so quickly smittened? I don't know. Does it matter? I had a note in my pocket I was going to pass to her if the opportunity arose. And it did. But I didn't. By this time Sara was in my head. Nevertheless, I still had a sleepless night kicking myself because I didn't. I can't get her out of my head. And I'm so sure what I saw in her eyes, I'll go as far to say, she's still thinking of me as well. At least I hope so.

With all that said, I really need to hear from Sara. My expectations of her calling before Christmas is now turning into anxiety. I know one call from her will snap me out of this desire for this other woman. But if she doesn't call....??

Hidden Expectations

I'm beginning to wonder if the reason for my contentment right now is less a result of exceptance and more a result of hidden (subconscience) expectations. Yes, I do expect Sara to contact me before/during Christmas. But that's the extent of my expectations. Yes, I do hold out hope that we will be together again. But that hope isn't driving any expectations. That I'm aware of. I've been taking this day by day. As I've mentioned before, I don't even attempt to envision a future that does not include Sara in some way. But if day by day that time in the future arrives without her, then so be it. But I don't think exceptance will ever occur. Just continued hidden expectations. And if they remain hidden, and I continue with my day to day contentment, is there unforeseen problems lurking up ahead for me?

The Many Faces of Her Eyes.

Since I didn't get to see them much, I would always spend as much time as possible when I could. But there were three faces in particlar that have become permanently etched in my mind. The first, of course, is the 'smile'. Her eyes would just sparkle and light up. I would not have to see the rest of her face to know she was smiling. Another face her eyes would put on is what I called her 'fuck me harder' eyes. Whenever we were getting to that climax, at that point where we both were going over the edge, she would get this look. Her eyes would be really wide open and would look at me with such determination, yet with a hint of disappointment. But it was just enough to kick in the last ounces of my reserve energy to finish her off with a bang. But my favorite was the one I had no name for. It was confusing to me, yet I know it made me feel the deepest part of her love. I couldn't tell if it was desire, love, longing or even sadness that her eyes were trying to convey to me. Then I heard these lyrics in a song and that feeling of knowing her deepest love suddenly overwhelmed me.

Must be doin' somethin' right.
I just heard ya sigh.
Lean into my kiss and close
Those deep, blue need you eyes.
Don't know what I did
To earn a love like this,
But baby I
Must be doin' somethin' right.